One Out of Six

Happy Thanksgiving 2010

2010-11-29T11:51:00.000-08:00

As I revisit this long neglected blog - I am grateful for this past week's Thanksgiving celebration. My husband, my mom, Jack and I drove down to Virginia to be with my sister R and her family. R has seven children - her newest, baby Brian, is 3 months old. Her oldest son is 21. A little over 2 years ago, her 15 year old son David died of suicide. Baby Brian has David's eyes, he is so beautiful and such a balm for my sister's soul. She seemed happy.

My other sister, L, made it to Virginia as well with her 3 children. Her oldest son is 23 and suffers from significant and severe mental illness - bipolar and it appears schizophrenia as well. Our family has struggled with this for years, and my sister - widowed 5 years ago when her husband died suddenly and shockingly on a November night from an accidental drug overdose - well - she suffers from chronic depression and between her husband's death - really bad financial problems (drug addicts rarely leave a big inheritance behind when they die, they more typically leave a mountain of debt and her husband was no exception..) -- and her son's mental illness - it's tough. VERY tough. She lost her house this past summer and is now renting a duplex from her (former) in-laws and they are their own brand of kooky and do not like my sister ... her car is a wreck (literally - all banged up) - and that same car nearly kept her from joining us all in Virginia much to my much beleaguered mom's dismay. HOWEVER .. the spirits (literally?) intervened - my sister got her car patched up enough to make the 5 hour drive - and she and her kids made it too. Her son is now on risperdal and it's helping, a little. But right now, a little is good enough, we'll take it!

It was a nice visit. And a nice Thanksgiving. My mom and I both remarked on how it reminded us of how Thanksgiving "used to be" - before my brother-in-law died ... before my nephew committed suicide ... before we all became more jaded and quick to laugh at foolish cliches like "everything happens for a reason" (nope, some things are just random and awful and there is NO "reason" behind it, certainly no reason good enough to make it "make sense" as so many people are desperate to have happen in the wake of something truly awful) and "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" (no, I don't think He does, because I don't think he hands out bad things any more than he hands out "treats" to people are really really good and pray really really hard! What kind of God would "give" a mother a dead son, or let someone's entire family be tortured and killed while they were in hearing distance (like that doctor in Connecticut?) A really creepy one, like, from a horror movie maybe. But in my opinion, it's life that's hard, not God. And life sometimes DOES give you more than you can handle.)

But this Thanksgiving - all life gave my family was a pleasant couple of days, turkey and some fun. No fighting, no craziness - it really was the way Thanksgiving used to be. We even took a photo of all of us outside my sister's house - last time we did that was 2004 - when my brother-in-law and my nephew David were still with us.

And my now two year old? Is wonderful. Sweet, and funny, and sassy, and TALKING more and more. So smart. Such a blessing, I love him more everyday. We are talking about another one ... it's probably just talk, as I am 39 and J is 41 and Jack wasn't easy to come by. We will not be pursuing any additional fertility treatments, and truth be told, the only thing we're currently pursuing is couples counseling... but, it's going well. For the moment, we're feeling happier, both of us - and a few months ago we were NOT feeling very happy.

It was a nice Thanksgiving. And for that I am thankful, grateful and happy.

Hang in there little ones...

2010-04-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

There are babies in the rhododendron bush outside my front window.

Baby robins of course (did you think there were human babies in the bush outside my house?)

And I am obsessed. And worried. They hatched today and I CRIED - because it is really cold here, we're in the middle of a 2 day cold snap - went down to 34 last night and will be 38 tonight. I have been watching this nest and mama robin for over a week now (when I first saw the nest and the tiny blue eggs inside of it!!!) and I thought they'd hatch this weekend but nope - they must have been there for a few days before I discoved them. I saw mama with her beak in the nest today and thought she was just moving the eggs around but when she left I saw a tiny sliver of very still pink ... so got a chair and climbed up and stuck my head out of the top of my front window so I could peer down into the bush and into nest - and saw 2 very small pink embryo type little birdie babies - and they looked so still my heart stopped - but then they squirmed a bit.

Called J sobbing though, sure they were going to die and so worried because it stayed very cool today.

He called our state Wildlife Center and they told him that when she is sitting in the nest - underneath her it's 106 degrees!!! That made me feel better - and I did see her feeding them a couple times today with little necks craned up to eat so they do appear to be alive. There also appeared to still be at least one egg when I looked earlier today so another may have hatched, we may be up to 3 .. not sure.

Wildlife Center also said you just have to let nature take its course, let mama do her thing, sometimes first broods of the season don't make it, but if she's there and sitting on them and feeding them - they have a good shot - and she is - so I'm hoping and trying not to obsess over them.

Oh - and this was awful - a strange orange CAT was in my driveway today and then walked up my front stairs TOWARD THE RHODODENDRON - I know he sensed them and prob smelled them too - I opened the door and chased him away but now that's another worry - her nest isn't high enough up. It's a very large rhododendron but still, not as high as a tree. Ugh!!! Nothing I can do though. Except hope for the best.

Send some T & P to my robin mama and her babies! I know I'm crazy! But I want them to make it. I've adopted them.

I hope your Easter was better than mine...

2010-04-06T14:15:00.000-07:00

I really didn't think we could top Christmas (J's brother threatening to punch him in the face) - but - we did! I am not sure how the family that travels 6 - 8 hours with a toddler is somehow always in the wrong - but - we are!

This trip got exciting when MIL lectured us about co-sleeping with Jack, how "it's wrong!" (said several times) and we "can do whatever we want with our child" (ya don't say) but she "says what she THINKS!"

I took deep breaths .. and blew it off. Oh, and this was after she threw a mini-tantrum because we went and got a pizza Saturday night because THERE WAS NO FOOD AND WE WERE STARVING ... a pizza that we brought back for everybody (along with a meatball hoagie that I cut up for Jack who, um, also needed to eat because he's a TODDLER.) We found out she was mad because she had wanted to cook a roast. Or so she told DH's brother. Except ... there was no roast. Hmmmm....

We had Easter brunch Sunday (instead of Easter dinner) and J's brother texted him that we were totally selfish and "that's EFFED!" that we changed the plans to brunch from dinner and he wasn't coming!

Except we didn't change the plans. We were informed of the change by MIL Friday night when we arrived in town. We could have cared LESS when or where we ate on Easter. But ... we're the villains, so it musta been our evil doing.

Earlier Easter morning MIL stormed out of the kitchen with a bowl of Kashi and locked herself in her bedroom for 3 hours because of something DH said, I can't even remember what.

Monday morning (MIL's birthday .... oops) she started on Jack. First she said it was FINE for him to play with the table pad "go ahead" in sugary fake voice and then "OK .. no. NO. NO!!" and then "OK ... go ahead." When I (nicely) said, "if you tell him no, don't then tell him yes, it will confuse him," I got:

"You have to tell him no sometimes!"

"Yes, that's fine, but if you tell him no, then yes, you'll confuse him and make him cry."

"Well sometimes he's gonna cry!"

"Right, but we don't need to MAKE him cry by confusing him."

"Well, OK, that's right, that's a good way to get back at me (huh?) but I only told him to go ahead because of that LOOK on your face!"

Funny ... she hadn't even looked up at me so I'm not sure how she saw my face.

Well ... that was it. I was shaking mad ... went in the bedroom and packed ... took Jack outside and then told FIL I didn't feel well (true) and wasn't going to eat breakfast (that she was making) and we were going to take a walk.

When I got back - she was gone, and never came back to say goodbye.

And the kicker!!!!! J ..... is mad ..... at ME!

Ta DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(Qualifiers: MIL is old. And batty. I could've been the bigger person and ignored her. And sat and ate breakfast. Especially given that it was her birthday. But I had a human reaction and got angry. This is not new behavior on her part but I have ignored it in the past. But when it got personal with my baby... I got really ticked. I did not say anything rude. I just took a walk to cool off and blew off the scrambled eggs because I could not sit at the table with her at that point. But in acknowledging her nastiness AT ALL (you're not allowed to do that) I am very, very evil.)

Ugh. I don't ever want to go back. I really don't.

This is resonating with me right now.

2010-02-08T18:26:00.000-08:00

Something I just read on an internet board I frequent.

Feeling heard, feeling safe, feeling loved, feeling free.

Just had to write it down.

Anxiety

2010-01-28T11:11:00.000-08:00

Anxiety has become such a regular part of the fabric of my existence - I don't remember what it was like not to feel it. But that doesn't mean I don't notice it anymore. It is nausea mixed with a chill of fear mixed with a knot in my stomach and a feeling of not having taken a breath in too long. Sometimes it's right up front - and big - sometimes stuffed way down and small - but there.

My sister, R, is pregnant with #7. She'll give birth at 42. Her due date is right around her son David's birthday. David died, lost to suicide, at age 15 a month after his birthday, in 2008, a little over a year ago. She does not want to give birth on David's birthday.

R is very thin. She is always tired. She has been drinking to excess in the year plus since David died (but has stopped with the news of her pregnancy, and I don't judge her for the drinking, she's suffered an indescribable loss.)

She has 5 other surviving children .. 20 years old - having trouble dealing with anger. 18 years old - dealing with OCD. 14 years old - holding steady. 5 years old - a delightful princess. 2 years old - very needy and still nursing (nothing wrong with that! I'm a big fan of extended breastfeeding. But perhaps not so much when mom's been drinking. I don't really know the extent of that - nor do I want to, frankly. And she's not drinking now.)

My other sister, L, has a 22 year old mentally ill son who is angry, mean, and verbally abusive to her and to her two daughters, his little sisters - 16 and 8. He spit at the 8 year old the other day - in public. She, my sister, has very little money to get by on. Her husband died 4 plus years ago of an accidental drug overdose. Her son has no insurance. He lives at home with them. He refuses any treatment or medication, and also refuses to try and get disability "welfare," he sneers. He is paranoid and riddled with anxiety. He lived with his grandparents for a while after a particularly ugly meltdown - but eventually moved back home. And so her girls grow up with a menacing adult male in the house -- and a mother who suffers from depression, ill equipped to deal with the very harsh cards life has dealt her. She loves her son - but has no idea what to do about him. I don't either. There are no easy answers. There may seem to be ... "she has to tell him to leave!" ... "she has to get him help!" ... sure. She has to do a lot of things. None of them "easy." (He has not gotten physical with her or the girls. But his words undoubtedly take a toll on his little sisters - as they struggle to grow up amidst a very chaotic, very messy (figuratively and literally), very unstable environment.

And then there's me. In love with my son ... struggling with my marriage (never having been in or exposed on any long term basis to a healthy marriage - I wouldn't know one if it landed in a flying saucer in my backyard. Sadly - my father was also abusive - verbally and physically. Certainly I know this is a large part of the reason for my sisters' dysfunction. And my own.) I want my son to be healthy ... happy ... loved.

I cannot live my sisters' lives. I tried to - before I had a child. I got people insurance ... healthcare ... assistance. I made (millions of) phone calls ... I made bold strides (or so I thought) ... I encouraged ... I applauded ... I purchased ... I saved pet's lives (well, one) ... I spent money I didn't have ... I cleaned (and cleaned and cleaned) ... I talked ... I listened.

But after so many years ... and with the arrival of my own child - who I want SO much for (and who I wanted so much) - I stopped. Literally. I just - stopped.

I am still available to my nieces. They know I am a phone call away and they come to my home and spend time with me. I do not go to their home, although it is just 10 minutes away. A fight with L a couple years ago, right before I got pregnant actually, over how dirty and chaotic it was and how unhealthy that was for her and the kids that resulted in her telling me not to come over anymore if it bothered me led to - exactly that. I don't go over there anymore.

And even after I "stopped" ... I reapplied for the girls free state supplied health insurance when my sister forgot to. I gave them a refrigerator when theirs broke(and broke my foot, whilst 7 months pregnant, in doing so. That too was a moment of clarity for me - as I fell out of the Uhaul van I rented and drove to my home that day because somehow L couldn't pick it up - but her giant pregnant sister (me) could - a moment of clarity that I needed to STOP ... as that day could have resulted in unspeakable tragedy had I landed differently after that fall. I was lucky to only end up with a broken foot - and not a broken soul that day.)

I did not attend my nephew David's funeral. I was in my 35th week of a high risk pregnancy - physically ill (sinus infection) - and was advised not to travel. So I didn't.

It is a stressful life. I am very lonely sometimes. My husband has a hard time dealing with my extended family's chaos. But he does the best he can, and when my 8 year old niece called the other day, feeling frightened of her brother, he raced over to their house and collected her and brought her to our home.

My mother has high blood pressure and is pre-diabetic. She is a wonderful, loving, kind grandma to all of her daughters' children - especially my Jack - who she cares for 4 days a week while I'm at work. She regrets every day that our childhood - her daughters' - was difficult. And chaotic. And sad. She wishes she'd done better .. known better .. but she too had very few tools at her disposal. Her parents were not going to win any awards in that department either - between their alcoholism and neglect of her when she was a child - that which pushed her right into the arms of an abuser - my father.

I used to think that bad situations eventually turned out OK ... if you tried hard enough - if you just "believed." I don't anymore. Some bad situations do NOT turn out OK. And for those who think "everything happens for a reason" - I roll my eyes at you. And then roll them again. Tell THAT to the children in Haiti who survived the earthquake and are now wandering around starving and terrified - with no one to hug them or help them. Tell THAT to children who are being trafficked, right now, by sexual predators around the world. I don't think they'd appreciate being the means to an "end" - to a "reason."

I don't want to be jaded, and cynical. I miss believing that things eventually turn out OK. I miss faith. (And I have not abandoned a belief in God - it's just less comforting than it used to be.)

I try to be a good person. I like to help people. I love to help people, actually. (Nice people. Mean people can go eff themselves.)

But yes, I suffer from anxiety. I mull going back to therapy ... perhaps going on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med. I wonder what's next ... I wonder what my family will look like in 2 ... 5 ... 10 years. Will they be "OK?" Time will tell.

Life is hard. Life is difficult. But life is precious. My son is precious. I want so much for him. And I want to not pass on my anxiety. And my family's dysfunction. But J and I are struggling. I hope we can find our way back onto a better path. And be good parents. And good to each other.

What a horribly long maudlin post. But it feels better sometimes to put it "outside" ... to type it out ... and let even just a little bit of it - go.

My almost 14 month old still drinks out of bottles. Yep, mm hmmm. Bottles.

2010-01-07T11:45:00.000-08:00

And even though on some of the baby boards I frequent this news would elicit not only a raised eyebrow or two - it might even get a gasp...

I. don't. care.

So there.

OK, wait, here's a bit more detail.

Some people say bottles are bad for a baby's oral development. That's actually not true. Well, it might be if an older baby or toddler had a bottle stuck in its mouth, oh, 23 hours a day out of 24 - but beyond that - the occasional bottle here and there isn't enough to shake a stick at (or threaten with braces.) From what I've read - there isn't enough pressure from a bottle nipple to cause malformation of the teeth or hard palate. Although the sucking that a baby does with breastfeeding IS said to be beneficial down the road when it comes to orthodontia (another reason extended bf'ing is a good thing.) I'm not saying extended bottle feeding provides the same benefits - only that bottle doesn't equal braces. (My kid's going to need them anyway - J and I both had them - Jack's doomed. Hey, rite of teenage passage.)

There IS one potential health problem with toddler bottles. Once a baby gets teeth -if baby takes bottle to bed with them, and falls asleep with bottle, and a pool of milk or formula (or juice - gasp!) in their mouth as well - that can lead to decay.

Jack has never taken a bottle to bed, he doesn't even hold his own bottles, he still likes mama to! So we don't sweat it. We'll get rid of the bottles in time, just not a big rush at our house.

The best thing that ever happened to me as a new mom was realizing along that way that comparing milestones was an exercise in futility and the "you HAVE to do THIS" (whatever "this" was - putting baby down drowsy but awake, not rocking to sleep, pick your poison) was actually - not the case at all. I don't have to do THIS .. I can do ... THAT, instead. And I do rock Jack to sleep - every night - a practice that has literally resulted in some of the best, sweetest, most beautiful moments of my life (nothing, NOTHING, trumps drowsy, open mouth baby kisses. And the "singing" Jack does against my shoulder as he's falling asleep.) I also put him down totally asleep most nights - unless while very drowsy he practically flings himself out of my arms as if to say "Put me DOWN - your shoulder is bony and uncomfortable!" So I put him down in his crib. And later in the night he comes into bed with me and sleeps there. And I love it. I love sleeping with him, and I love waking up to his smiling, beautiful face, right next to mine. To me, there is nothing more natural in the world than sleeping with your baby next to you. Most adults don't like to sleep alone. So why should my baby?

Here's what is so great - as long as my child is happy and healthy and thriving - I don't have to follow anyone else's recommendations. Hooray! And so far, my child is a good sleeper (not great, but definitely good!) a good eater, guzzles milk out of sippies or bottles, gave up paci's on his own months ago with zero encouragement from us, just decided he was done - and is such a happy, sweet, pleasant baby.

I still get the occasional pangs of "am I doing THIS right?" but far less often than I used to! "Rules" be damned - it's bottle-palooza at our house. LOL!

(And here's an "expert" on whether saying bye-bye to the ba-ba is really all that big of a deal... just for some interesting additional reading!)

http://www.babycenter.com/404_my-toddler-refuses-to-give-up-the-bottle-what-can-we-do_13364.bc

Ta DAAA!

And here are some recent pics of my bottle drinkin' rebel baby :-)

I love that baby!

Goodbye 2009

2010-01-05T13:44:00.000-08:00

Another holiday season come and gone. A new year upon us. It's going so fast.

My resolutions ... write more. Yes, I've said so before - but this time I mean it. I am really struggling these days with being a working mom. I knew it would be a struggle - before I even had Jack. I didn't know exactly how it would feel - but I figured it would suck. It does. I am constantly whirling around in my mind - trying to figure out how to juggle finances and work less - while not totally fucking up our lives in the process. I have not reached a great answer yet. And have been feeling bad about myself in the process (mid-life crisis?) - wondering - why I'm not more successful (yes I've won some awards but recently had a semi-crappy review at work - it's not the crappy review, hello, it was bullshit, basically me getting blamed for not doing enough to help a HORRIBLE IDIOT who never should have been hired and was a complete lying FAILURE. So, not the review itself - but the fact that I was even BEING reviewed. By someone who can go eff herself, truly, for all I care. Someone who's opinion I do not respect, personally or professionally - yet have to pay attention to at least in some small part so as not to get, well, fired. Except that I want to get fired. Well, laid off. Not fired.) But I digress..

Back to being a working mom - it's tough. Not just for me, for millions of moms. I know there are some who love it - but on the baby boards that I frequent - I just cringe in sadness when I see yet another mom headed back to work after maternity leave, crying, hurting, hating to leave her baby. Such is life I suppose. And it can always be worse. But that it can be worse - doesn't make what it IS - better.

So I have always thought of myself as a talented writer ... although lately in my morass of feeling bad about myself I question - how talented? and even - talented at all? or - enough? I don't know. But letting fear hold one back is lame (unless fear is holding you back from doing something dangerous. In that case - not lame. Smart!)

This blog is going to change too. I haven't written a lot of what I've wanted to write here - because I think of it as my infertility and subsequently my baby blog. And it is that - but I see it becoming more of my "me" blog too. Not always baby related - except for the fact that truly, my life revolves around my baby, and so everything I do, every decision I make, is in some way related to his well being.

But it's about to get more raw here. More swear-ey. More real. More me. And I'm not even sure I HAVE any readers left - I never had the legions that some infertility blogs have anyway. But I have still found myself not writing certain things, certain opinions - about parenting or specifically attachment parenting for example - for fear that I will offend folks who may read this blog.

I'm not going to do that anymore. I am going to share my opinions, offensive though some of them may be to others. And I hope that those who disagree won't be (terribly) offended, or take anything I say personally. I have some strong beliefs that have developed over time, as I've grown into being a parent. And boy if there is one touchy subject for a mama - it's whether or not she's a good parent! But the opinions and beliefs I will share here in the coming year are mine - and I am not so closed minded to not know there is more than one way to skin a cat (GROSS AND HORRIBLE ANALOGY) or successfully raise a child. So we will have to agree to disagree sometimes. And really, as I don't think anyone reads this poor neglected blog anymore - who cares? Hello? Is this thing on?

So here I am as 2010 commences. At a personal and professional crossroads - in need of some sort of outlet. A place to bounce ideas around - even off of my own head. A place to find myself again - to figure out where I'm headed and if that's even a place I want to go.

I have felt sort of lost over the past several months. Unsure. What is the right decision? How will it affect my son? My marriage? Should I leave my job? And do ... what?

I hope to find answers - or even some good clues - in the coming months. So Happy New Year to me. One thing is certain, time will pass, no matter what. In a little less than a year, we'll all ring in 2011. If you ARE still with me - my hope for me - and you - is a good year. Of growth - and happiness. Good decisions. Peace. Love. Joy. Hey why not, right?

Thanksgiving

2009-11-24T13:55:00.000-08:00

Is almost upon us.

Thankgiving is my favorite holiday. Christmas, for many years, was a big source of stress for me. Because I was alone. On Thanksgiving - my family would all gather together - for many years at my mom's house - or one of my sisters - we would all be together, my mom, me, my two sisters and their husbands, and their numerous kids. I did not get married until I was 32 - and so when Christmas rolled around - my oldest sister and her children were at her in-laws house. My second oldest sister was out of town and usually at her in-laws house with her kids as well. My mom was very busy with church on Christmas Eve and Christmas - and for a while there - busy with her second husband's family (until they got divorced.) And I was - alone.

I never actually stayed home alone - I don't think. I usually foisted myself off on somebody - my in town sister and her in-laws (where I felt out of place - why am I my sister's in-laws on Christmas Eve?) ... or I'd be with my mom and her husbands' family ... one year I actually flew to Los Angeles with a friend and stayed in the Georgian Hotel in Santa Monica for Christmas. I can't remember what we actually did on Christmas Day though. Maybe that was the day we flew out. Anyway - I pretty much dreaded Christmas. But I have always loved Thanksgiving.

Last year though - we pretty much skipped Thanksgiving. I was a hot post-partum mess - with scabby, bleeding nips from my ill fated breastfeeding adventure ... Jack was a week and a half old and losing weight (and would soon end up in the hospital diagnosed as failure to thrive) ... I was so stressed out and exhausted. I stayed home and nursed my anxiety and attempted to nurse my (literally) starving child and cried and someone brought us turkey later in the day.

So last year sucked.

Far worse than my breastfeeding misadventures though - was the October death of my nephew, David. A month before I gave birth - my nephew took his own life. He was 15 - and he climbed up a tree in the woods near his house - put a rope around his neck - and jumped. He was found a day later. My sister, his mother, was still pretty much in shock when Thanksgiving rolled around last year. I think it takes a long time to register that your child is not just at a friends house or temporarily absent somehow - but truly has died and is never coming back. I still don't think I've really dealt with David's death. I was in the middle of welcoming a new life - and I don't think I really have ever wrapped my mind around it, to be honest. And so this year will be somewhat somber as well, because this year, my sister does know that David is gone - lost to suicide - a suicide that no one predicted, that he never threatened, and that rocked his family to its core. David left his mother, father, 4 brothers and a sister behind.

November is also the month that my other sister's husband died. Four years ago, on November 9, from an accidental drug overdose, at age 39. Leaving behind my sister, a son, two daughters, and a pile of debt. That son, my nephew, struggles now with a serious anxiety disorder and may be bipolar. At 22 years old, he spends most of his time at home, in his room, cannot work, but refuses to go on disability - "welfare" - as he calls it. My sister is chronically depressed, and approaches life - and problems - with a lethargy that alternates frustrates and angers me -- and makes me sad. She and her children get by on very little money, and are always struggling to make ends meet. Her youngest daughter, now in second grade, is also anxious -- her oldest daughter, 16 -- doing fairly well -- but not as well as she would be if her father hadn't become addicted to drugs - died - and left behind a mother who is literally crippled by her own depression and fear.

But with November - comes my son's birthday. And Thanksgiving. And though I have tears in my eyes as I type this - I am thankful. I am thankful for my beautiful son. I am thankful for his November birthday - a light in what could be a dark season for all of us, year after year. I am thankful that all of us will be together this year - at my home - and though it will not be perfect, and there will be sadness - there will also be laughter, and good food, and we will manage to have some fun.

Life is hard. Harder for some than others. Savor every beautiful moment you are graced with - and eat as much as you want this Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

~A

How Did This Year Go So Fast?

2009-11-14T13:36:00.000-08:00

Almost one year old. Impossible.

Slow down little man.

Oh. Um .. hi.

2009-11-03T10:02:00.000-08:00

It is pathetic - PATHETIC! - that it has been this long since I last blogged. So let's catch up!

I left off thinking Jack's helmet would be off in early August. Nope - mid-September! And his head is still not perfect - but we definitely achieved some correction. I am a spaz though - and lately (a month and a half out of the helmet) I find myself focusing on some of the facial asymmetry that I literally DID NOT SEE before - a slightly fuller right cheek ... the remains of the forehead bulge ... to the point where last week I felt panicky wondering if his head was regressing ... if the helmet did not do what it should have ... if we took him out of it too soon (we had too though - one of the helmet "sideburns" was starting to press into his face.) I talked it over with the specialist at Children's Hospital - she was mildly helpful. I'm taking him in for another scan at the orthotist's office next week. Just to see. I really hope she scans him and says "you're crazy, his head looks better than ever." Because if she says "hmm. Yeah. There does seem to be some regression" - I don't know what I'll do. I really don't. Ugh. It never ends.

In other news ... head and face imperfections notwithstanding - Jack - is beautiful. (Maybe that's why I obsess - he is such a beautiful child - I just don't want him to ever have to worry about a cranial-facial deformity that never should have happened in the first place. OK deformity is a dramatic word but I don't know what else fits.) Hospitals should educate new moms and dads about PLAGIOCEPHALY - not just say "do tummy time!" That means nothing. There should be clear instructions to alternate the side of the head your baby sleeps on - EVERY NIGHT. The whole thing pisses me off. If we ever have another baby (and that's another topic for another post) you can bet your ass I'll be more on top of it. Plus everything else that "went wrong" with my fledgling attempt at motherhood. Don't get me wrong - I am blessed with the best baby in the world - he is beautiful, sweet, not fussy - I am so lucky. And I know I'm a good mom - and I know that every mom has to figure these things out as she goes. People can only tell you so much - most of it - you just have to make up as you go. And then you understand how it all works. Like many things in life!

OK .. so that no one is alarmed and thinks poor Jack has a big weird bulbous head now or a deformed face .. here is my beautiful baby boy - just 2 weeks away from turning one (which is equal parts wonderful - and awful. How did it happen SO FREAKING FAST???) I want another one.

And because I haven't posted in so long .. here's a few from our August beach trip as well!

LOVE THAT BABY BOY!!!

Heading Toward Helmet Free....

2009-07-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

... well, I don't want to jump the gun but Jack's head looks GOOD. Helmet check tomorrow morning - and we should get an END DATE tomorrow - probably within 2 - 3 weeks. Woot!!!

Lay-Offs

2009-07-07T18:41:00.001-07:00

Some good friends were laid off at my company today. I am still standing - but very possibly - not for long. I am sick about it. I hate how fucking stressful life is - for some of us. And for some people - not at all. Nobody said it was fair though, right?

DENIED

2009-06-25T18:27:00.000-07:00

So I got a bill from the Orthotic and Prosthetic company the other day .. for TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS. Um, what? I thought for sure it was a mistake as they told me we were good to go as far as insurance coverage. I didn't check, but they did - or so I thought. Well, I guess they didn't. Because Highmark denied us. The cost for the helmet is 3000 dollars .. the discount for non-covered patients is 1000 dollars - hence the unexpected bill for 2000 bucks.

I'm fighting it. Will appeal to the insurance company. But it's yet ANOTHER battle to fight and if you've read this blog over time - you know I have fought and fought and FOUGHT. From infertility ... to a risky pregnancy ... to breastfeeding disaster ... and then fighting for the plagiocephaly diagnosis after pedi blew me off and now - this. Another fight. (And I've never even gone into detail here about the battles outside of my immediate family ... my sister's loss of her husband and the (ongoing) battle to keep her and her kids afloat ... my other sister's unspeakably tragic loss of her 15 year old son last fall. Yeah, we've had more than our share heaped on us in recent years.)

And even stupid stuff ... working to get our house refinanced (successfully! woot!) Laboring over whether or not to go part-time in the fall so I can spend at least one more day a week with my son (I think I'm doing it. We'll take a hit financially but working five days a week is eating my soul. I fought so hard for my little guy - it's too much time away from him. But that's a battle I fight with J - who is afraid of financial insecurity - and understandably so in this shaky, fucked up economy. So it's an internal battle I fight with myself too - my own fears and doubts - wanting to make the best decision for JACK.)

Mama's tired.

But I'm on it. I found some really well written successful appeal letters (insurers love to deny coverage for these helmets) so I am cutting and pasting the good stuff and customizing it to reflect Jack's situation. And making calls to the specialist he saw at Children's and asking them to gather up paperwork and help me out and having my mom sign an affidavit that as his childcare provider she participated in efforts to reposition him since before he was 3 months old and etc., etc., etc. I'm on it.

BUT THIS NEEDS TO BE MY LAST BATTLE! At least for a few months. I need a break. Really.

Urgh.

3 millimeters!

2009-06-16T18:57:00.000-07:00

That's how much Jack's head has grown in 2 weeks - this is good - we are trucking right along in helmet-ville!

I brought up our August vacation and the fact that we'd be going from PA to SC - where it will be HOT HOT HOT and at first the orthotist was just very matter of fact "he'll be fine, and you can take it off as needed if he gets overheated" and I was so bummed because I was hoping she'd say "oh, you''ll probably be done by then" but then she DID say "and you could be done by then anyway" so that made me happy!

Grow Jack's head, grow! (It is noticeably better too - was never too bad to begin with so I am hoping we ARE done by early August. All depends on how much and how fast his little noggin grows - the helmet guides growth but can only do so if there IS growth.)

Super BAby, Super SPACE MAN!

2009-06-08T19:50:00.001-07:00

That's how we sing it! Here's my beautiful baby, rockin' his helmet!

Doing a little better...

2009-05-31T19:35:00.000-07:00

... well, a lot better actually. He slept in his helmet last night - and he is sleeping in it now. He napped in it yesterday and today as well. He was in bed with me most of last night and will probably end up there again, which is fine with me. Whatever it takes to help him through this.

Pray for a big cranial growth spurt that gets us out of this thing FAST.

The helmet is my nemesis. Ugh.

Helmet Heartache

2009-05-29T20:35:00.000-07:00

It's not going well. We had a really difficult first night in the helmet. Well, scratch that - because he's not in it. Close to an hour of exhausted screaming and crying - the helmet is off - and Jack is asleep. He literally crumpled with relief once it was off. I don't know how we're going to do this. I'm really beside myself.

TEETH!

2009-05-26T11:12:00.000-07:00

My little trooper cut not one, but TWO teeth over Memorial Day weekend. He was fussy Saturday afternoon and I could see one front bottom tooth under his gums but did not realize it was THIS CLOSE to busting through.. Well, by Sunday - it was through! Sharp little sucker too! And by Sunday I could tell the other was not far behind - it came through by Monday (Memorial Day.) He's been teething for a while - but once they hit 4 months, every fussy episode is attributed to "teething" - but you never have clear evidence that indeed - this IS teething - until you can see a tooth beneath (or above!) or notice inflamed gums.

I cried because it is evidence of time passing ... and because someday Jack will grow up and leave me. That is insane, I know, but I'm having a hard time with all of it. Knowing that he is probably my only baby (and wishing I could have more, while at the same time trying to remember to be GRATEFUL for the amazing little boy I am SO BLESSED to have in my life.) He is such a wonderful baby. So, so pleasant, so beautiful - I am so lucky.

Let's see .. what else. I pumped for what appears to the be the LAST TIME yesterday morning - so that's contributed to my emotional state too. I am glad to be done pumping, but as I've said before, SAD that this chapter is over, and that it didn't go how I'd hoped. I would love to still be nursing my little boy. We were robbed of that opportunity. I know I have to let it go. And I do, little by little. I had no trauma over my very medicalized birth as crunchy birth wannabe's sometimes do. But I do suffer from not having been able to breastfeed - especially as it was a situation that with the right information - probably could have been fixed. That's hard. Ugh. I guess this is the place to write about it though - and to get those feelings out - and set them free.

Here is a pic of my beautiful boy - one week before he cut his first tooth! You can tell he was feeling teethy though!!

He is the love of my life. Hands down. And I sure love his dad too - but this little guy, wow. It's surely nothing I've ever known before. Pure love. Teeth and all!

Hanging Up The Horns

2009-05-19T20:11:00.000-07:00

Well, my breastfeeding story is coming to an end. And I’m really, really, really, really sad about it. Which is crazy – given that for the last 5 and a half months – my “breastfeeding” story has consisted of feeding exclusively pumped breastmilk to my child. (See “my breastfeeding tale of woe..) And EP'ing, as it is known, is not for the faint of heart. It's really difficult, and very draining. So for me to be sad that it's ending - is somewhat bizarre. But it's not just the end of pumping. It's the end of my breasts producing milk for Jack .. the end of what I had hoped would be a beautiful experience (but wasn't) .. the end of any possibility that Jack will ever nurse again .. the end of something I wanted very badly for him. My inability to nurse Jack will always be a hurt in my heart. I do not dwell or obsess about it. But it's there. It broke my heart.

I decided, a while ago, that 6 months would be it as far as EP'ing. If we were nursing at the breast - I have no doubt we'd go much, much longer. But that is not our story, and EP'ing bears no resemblance to nursing at the breast. It is incredibly time consuming .. means living your life in 3 - 4 hour increments, always tethered to the pump .. basically you breastfeed a machine while your child waits .. it's all the work of breastfeeding AND formula feeding - but none of the beautiful bonding of nursing at the breast -- and none of the ease of simply readying a bottle of formula. Just not a simple endeavor - by any stretch.

Jack turned 6 months old this past Sunday – May 17. Unbelievable. My big boy. He is so amazing. But as I wrote before – he needs a helmet for plagiocephaly – so that means lots of appointments which make pumping on any kind of a schedule even more ridiculous than it already is. And also – with warmer weather upon us – I decided that I want to spend my time with Jack doing other things besides pumping – which has actually taken time AWAY from Jack. I have questioned myself more than once – am I doing the right thing? Do the benefits of feeding him breastmilk outweigh the fact that it is interfering with my ability to spend as much time with my son as possible, especially given that I am a working mom?

Up until 6 months – my answer was “yes”. But now – it’s no. At 6 months – Jack’s digestive system is mature enough to handle solid foods – and – an all formula diet. To make myself feel better – I have switched him to Earth’s Best organic formula (before I was supplementing approximately 2 bottles a day using Similac.) But formula will be his new solo beverage – soon (I’m still pumping a couple of times a day right now – just today dropped from 3 to 2 .. before that had dropped from 4 to 3 for over a week – and before that had been at 5 pumping sessions per day for months and months and MONTHS.)

I am very proud of myself. I wanted to quit a hundred times, I had so many obstacles, and I have big, ugly, purple keloid scars on both nipples from all the damage done the first 2 weeks of Jack’s life while I was still putting him on the breast. But I kept going. I believed he deserved breastmilk and I am a stubborn, stubborn lady. So I found a way to give it to him.

I love you Jack. So much. I hope I did the right thing by you. I think I did. But I’m hanging up the horns – for good (at least this go round…) – very soon. And I think it will be a good thing for both of us. Or at least an OK thing. With some good ... more time for walks together ... no more letting you fuss on your playmat alone while I finish pumping ... and a less exhausted, more relaxed mommy.

It hurts to think I won’t be giving him breastmilk any more though. I have always taken GREAT satisfaction in watching him drink a bottle of breastmilk. It always made me feel so happy – made all the horrid pumping worth it. And now that is coming to an end. And it’s hard. But it’s time. Soon.

Plagiocephaly

2009-05-07T12:11:00.001-07:00

So my poor little bub has plagiocephaly. Here is a note we recently sent to family and friends to explain what's up:

Hi friends .. sorry for the “mass” e-mail - but rather than explain the same situation over and over again we thought we’d send out one “informational” e-mail to those of you who are going to be seeing our darling son Jack this summer, either in person or pictures.

Jack has been diagnosed with a treatable, fixable condition called unilateral positional plagiocephaly. The back right side of his head has become somewhat flattened - from Jack’s propensity to always sleep on that side of his head (despite our efforts to keep him off of it over the past few months.) In the early 90’s - when the put your baby on his/her "back to sleep" campaign began - the incidence of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) dropped by something like 40 percent. Unfortunately, the incidence of plagiocephaly shot way up. When we all slept on our tummies, this wasn’t an issue. Now that babies sleep on their backs - plagiocephaly affects 1 in 70 babies. However, as plagiocephaly is treatable - and SIDS obviously is not - the healthcare community views plagiocephaly as the lesser of 2 evils.

The slight flattening of Jack’s head has also caused slight changes to some of his facial features and the position of his right ear. So - to help Jack’s head and face round out properly as he grows - he will be outfitted with a special orthotic device sometime in May and wear it this summer - it looks like a helmet - you have probably seen babies wearing these as it is an increasingly common condition. Once his treatment is complete - there should be no lasting effects on either his head or his face.

Jack’s brain and development are not affected by the plagiocephaly. So while in essence this is a “cosmetic” condition - it is important that it be corrected while his skull is still soft. We feel bad for our little guy - but have been told that babies adjust to the helmets very well. He will wear it 23 hours a day - for a minimum of 3 months. We were also told that we haven’t done anything “wrong” as parents - some babies have softer skulls than others - it's more common in boys -- and in fact our efforts for the last few months to keep him off of his head while awake and to reposition him while sleeping have kept his condition from getting worse. Still - a specialist at Children's has determined that treatment is necessary - and so our Jack will be in his corrective “helmet” this summer. We know that he will rock that helmet, and look as adorable as ever.

So .. when you see Jack in person or pics in a month or so ... now you will know that he is not playing on some new 6 month old baby lacrosse team. He is doing just fine, just needs a little reshaping.

Best -

A & J (and Jack!)
*******

Ugh. We'll get through it. But it's always something.. you know?

Yep, 5 months.

2009-04-17T10:18:00.000-07:00

I don't know who this LONG baby in my house is - he is such a beautiful big boy. I love him more every day. Don't know how it's possible he was born FIVE months ago though. It's awful how fast it goes.

He is getting better and better at the whole sleeping thing - 9pm to 6 or 7am - then bottle - and usually back to sleep for another hour. And often puts himself to sleep at night and for naps with just some loud "talking" beforehand or minimal fussing (but if it veers into crying mama still comes to the rescue and bounces and soothes until he can fall asleep - I'd do that every night if he wanted me to but sometimes he just wants me to lay him down so he can do his own thing! My big boy. *sniff*)

He "talks" and yells and "sings" and laughs. He likes to bite stuffed toys and likes when mommy and daddy try to eat his face or his neck or his feet. He is wearing NINE month clothing (remember when he couldn't gain weight and we spent 4 days in the hospital? Sure not a problem anymore!) but he is not a super chub - he is tall, long back like mommy and daddy.

He is teething and sometimes fussy and mad - pretty drooly too - no teeth yet though. He still eats mostly bottled breastmilk and formula - but we'll start rice cereal in a couple weeks and see how we do. (And mommy is looking forward to hanging up the pump around 6 months!)

He is the best thing I have ever done. I am so lucky to have him in my life.

5 months?

2009-04-14T16:01:00.001-07:00

How is it that my little baby will be 5 months old this week? I still feel like this all "just happened" - but in many ways - his "newbornhood" feels like a million years ago. I was looking at newborn pics the other day and cried - because that tiny baby is gone forever - I will never hold him again (newborn Jack that is - certainly I'll hold Jack again for as long as he'll let me!) But that newborn baby ... he is like mist who slipped away - I was so busy, so stressed, so tired, so hormonal, so steeped in the throes of baby blues and breastfeeding problems and so overwhelmed ... it's a blur his newbornhood. A blur. I feel like I remember it in bits and pieces (and this sounds loony given it wasn't 5 years ago, but only 5 MONTHS ago - but it truly is a blur.) And the thing is - I didn't really "know" Jack at that point, I had just met him, he was a stranger to me - albeit a stranger I knew I already loved as I had felt him moving around inside me for several months prior to his birth. But I didn't know him then the way I know him now - and now that I know him - I want to go back and hold him as a newborn. I was so "afraid" of him - and I loved him but not with the fierceness that I do now. Were I to hold him as a newborn now - actually I'm not sure I could handle how much I'd love him given how tiny and SO vulnerable newborns are. And today he is of course still vulnerable - but he's turning into such a real person. He laughs, and "sings", and tells me things ... he looks at me, and tries to communicate with me in his way - and he is so, so, so beautiful. Big eyes, and beautiful skin, perfect nose, beautiful little lips, long eyelashes. I love him so, so much.

I should probably file this post under "loony mom musings", good grief.

In other news, I am still pumping - longingly looking at the finish line (6 months is the goal!) but yet, it will be hard for me to hang up the horns. I have mixed feelings about going all formula (nothing wrong with it! my feelings are my own and based on everything I've gone through - see previous post!) So we'll see. I'll definitely drop a pump in a month .. and then another pump .. and see where I end up. I want the time back and it cuts right into the middle of our mornings - and that's my biggest chunk of time that I have with him as I leave for work at 12:30pm. I want to take leisurely stroller walks and not have to rush home to pump and live my life in 4 hour increments. So something's gotta give .. I hope I can let it go and be peaceful with it.

That's all I got! New pics coming soon. :-)

Breastfeeding aka My Sad Tale of Woe

2009-03-04T14:09:00.000-08:00

In my family - babies are breastfed. It's pretty simple. I have two older sisters - who have given birth to 9 children between them (one has 3, one has six. No fertility problems there!) After giving birth - baby is put to breast - and that's that. There are no visits to lactation consultants .. there are no tears .. there is no supplementing with formula .. there is just the "simple" act of breastfeeding and away we go.

And so - when I was pregnant - I fully expected to breastfeed my child. It was a given. I would never feed my child formula - such a thing was just not done in my world. My two sisters, breastfeeding champions the both of them, in fact looked down on formula feeders .. thought of them as lazy or less giving to their child .. an opinion I had grown to share since I KNEW I would breastfeed my lucky little baby...

Yeah. Well. Then my baby was born with a condition called "ANKYLOGLOSSIA" - or - "tongue-tie". Basically - it's a condition that results in a short frenulum - that tiny piece of tissue under your tongue that sort of anchors your tongue to the floor of your mouth. Jack's extended all the way to the tip of his tongue. And prevented him from being able to extend his tongue past the tip of his teeth. Breastfeeding and tongue tie don't go so well together. The baby's tongue is an important component of successful breastfeeding and successful latch. I knew none of this. Had never heard of tongue tie - had no idea what was around the corner...

The day Jack was born - my husband was great, he was very successful in gently nudging everyone to HURRY UP so that Jack could be at my breast within one hour of my C-section - that was the magic number - under an hour!! - for successful latch. I had Jack at the boob within 59 minutes of his birth. And - he latched on - and started sucking. It was so cool. And I was so happy. The midwife who had come to my C-section as a support person was thrilled - said it's rare for C-section babies to latch on so easily - and left shortly thereafter.

My C-section was on a Monday. By Wednesday - my nipples were raw and starting to bleed. By Thursday - they were forming black scabs and nursing had become very painful. I saw the hospital lactation consultants every day. It wasn't until my last day in the hospital that one of them suggested that Jack was tongue tied - and that it was having a negative impact on our attempts to breastfeed.

Well I don't mess around. We left the hospital on a Thursday - had his first out of hospital pediatrician visit that Friday morning - got the name of an ear, nose & throat specialist - and had Jack in HIS office Friday afternoon - at which time the tongue tie was corrected. Basically, they clipped the frenulum - so that he would have greater freedom of movement. He was 4 days old. My little baby. But we did it in an attempt to save our breastfeeding relationship - and also because from what we read about tongue-tie - breastfeeding was not the only issue. Speech impediments - and physical discomfort can also result from tongue-tie. So having it corrected seemed like a good idea all around (and I still think it was.)

By Saturday - breastfeeding was still painful - moving rapidly toward excruciating - and I started making calls. I called the Breastfeeding Center in my town .. I called the county Breastfeeding helpline .. finally I got a call back. It was suggested to me that I be seen at the Breastfeeding Center - and that I get a prescription for something called All Purpose Nipple Ointment. I got the ointment later that day and started using it - and made an appointment at the breastfeeding center for the following Monday.

Oh - I should mention too that on that Saturday - Jack was NOT interested in nursing. He was very, very sleepy, somewhat jaundiced, and probably in a little pain from having the frenulum clipped the day before. My milk had sort of come in - but wasn't terribly impressive. I was getting worried - but still had no idea how worried I needed to be.

OK you know what - this is getting too long. So I'm going to speed it up.

Things continued to go downhill. My boobs were a mess - Jack lost too much weight - we ended up in Children's Hospital for 4 days. THAT was awful. AWFUL. No one knew what was wrong with him because it seemed he just could not gain weight - even after we started supplementing A LOT with formula. I thought he was going to die. But on the 3rd day there he started to gain and then just took off. Thank God.

Back to my boobs - it would later turn out I was allergic to the "magic" ointment (no one figured that out until I'd been using it for several weeks and it had done a ton of damage to my boobs) - before that - at 2 weeks old I had to take Jack off of the breast and start exclusively pumping (or EP'ing) in spite of the idiot pediatrician who not only told me to stop breastfeeding but ALSO told me to stop pumping (as if it had ANYTHING to do with her but I was exhausted and vulnerable and listened to her - thank God a nurse at the midwife center spoke with me later the same day and convinced me to continue pumping - I would have been so angry down the road had I listened to that IDIOT pediatrician) - time went on - my boobs didn't heal - I ended with misdiagnosed mastitis, was given antibiotics, got thrush - more burning, pain & itching ensued .. then a few weeks later I got REAL mastitis - sick as a damn dog - more antibiotics - more thrush.

Finally - when Jack was a little over 8 weeks old - I was diagnosed as being allergic to the ointment and stopped using it for good - I also did a 2 week course of diflucan (that I had to beg my midwife for a prescription for, she was REALLLY leery of it) and it knocked out the thrush - and for the first time since my son was born - at around 10 weeks of age - the last sore healed over (and left a nice purple keloid scar on my nipple as a souvenir) and I could pump without pain.

There is so much more to this story - bad advice - missteps - but suffice to say - I learned A LOT. If there's a next time .. boy will I approach it differently.

I also learned that breastfeeding CAN go terribly wrong - that it can be really hard - and that it is just not for everybody. And that judging people who don't breastfeed is very stupid - because you NEVER know somebody's reasons and some people just don't want to breastfeed and that's OK. It's not the only great thing you can do for your baby and there's a lot more to raising a child than starting him or her out on the boob. And formula is not poison. (Edited to add: And my sisters, the breastfeeding champs, have learned this too. And changed THEIR attitudes as well.)

I am really glad I'm still pumping. Jack is 16 weeks old today. I never thought I'd make it this far - and my new goal is 6 months. I don't have a full milk supply (that's the "more to the story" that I'm too tired to even get into) - I pump about 20 ounces a day so Jack gets 4 breastmilk bottles of around 5 ounces each and 2 formula bottles around 6 ounces each - and if he wants more food he gets more formula, and I am fine with this. I'm doing the best I can. What more can a mom do, really?

Blogging Again

2009-02-27T12:43:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I have paid so little attention to this blog over the last 14 weeks. Certainly life has been a whirlwind - bringing Jack into the world - taking Jack home after 4 days in the hospital - having breastfeeding go terribly, terribly wrong - ending up in Children's Hospital with Jack when he was 16 days old because he could not gain back the pound he lost after leaving the hospital - going BACK home with Jack - pumping intead of breastfeeding round the clock - quitting pumping 100 times .. but never really giving it up - finally getting an answer as to why my breasts were in such bad shape (after surviving weeks of open sores .. mastitis .. thrush .. and continued pain - we realized I was allergic to the famous All Purpose Nipple Ointment touted by breastfeeding expert Dr. Jack Newman. It's great stuff! If you're not totally allergic..) - OK where was I - trying to get into a rhythm with my baby - worrying that I wasn't "doing it right", whatever "it" is - getting so very little sleep (still haven't made tons of progress there - but we're making a little!) - discovering that Jack was a "hot" baby who was sweating big spots through his night clothes and swaddles - freaking out about the sweating and worrying SO MUCH that it was an indicator of SIDS - feeling fearful and anxious all the time that he could be lost to me (I can't even type out what I'm being euphemistic about here) - trying to maintain some kind of relationship with J (and usually failing miserably - we are best friends but in many ways very disconnected right now) - ignoring housekeeping and hating how messy my house is - finding that my relationship with my dogs has TOTALLY changed even though I swore I'd never be that type of person (who has a baby and then doesn't care about her dog(s) - it's not that I don't care - but I don't care as much, I hate to admit it) - wading through what feels like neverending drama and sadness with my family (when will we get a break? Maybe Jack's our happy break, I don't know)...

I guess THAT'S where the last 14 weeks have gone. But I could have been writing about it - should have been writing about it. Oh - not to mention I'm back at work now - and taking a 20 percent pay cut shortly having decided I CAN NOT work full-time anymore - so I am going down to 4 days a week and hoping it's not a ridiculously bad decision as in this economy - layoffs are always looming both at my company and at J's. But I can't be away from Jack 5 days a week. Truly - 4 days a week is too many as well - 3 would be more palatable - but we can't afford 3 right now. 4 is a stretch actually but I made one of my "leap and the net will appear" decisions and am just going for it. Screw it. It will have to work out. It's only money, right?

God it feels good to write about this stuff. REALLY good. I am such an idiot. This is such a good place for me put it all into words - all of my "stuff" and fears and failures and triumphs and total idiocy and smashing brilliance - and I've been, I don't know, noodling around on other websites .. lost in baby blues .. just totally distracted I guess. But I think I am back.

I love being a mom. I love my son. But I have definitely battled some blues. It was a long, dark winter - and I was very isolated. I didn't feel comfortable taking Jack out - for reasons including his immature immune system ... the possibility of a baby meltdown in public ... the difficulty of just getting ready and getting out of the house (what used to take 15 minutes now takes 45..) ... and also as an "Exclusive Pumper" (I'll blog about that next time perhaps) - I am tied to my pump every 4 hours. It really, really limits my ability to do outings of any length .. and it also has contributed to my wasting a lot of time on the internet (not here - but on other sites that require nothing but mindless participation - or non-participation.) I find much of the work that goes along with new mommy hood to be draining - the bottles (washing, sterilizing) - laundry - pumping ... and when I have a free moment - I don't spend it very wisely. I'm realizing this today because a good friend has just "quit" one of the sites I waste a lot of time on. Her doing so has really made me look at how I've been spending time on-line too. I don't think blogging here is a waste of time - quite the opposite. I need to be doing this - especially as I am hoping to get back into writing - freelance writing - something I used to do and used to make a little money doing! But I keep putting off a lot of what I think I'd like to be doing or should be doing - and my life doesn't change (well, except for the whole I HAVE A BABY thing.) But the whole I have a baby thing is a factor here .. recently I was especially struck by the fact that I was ill prepared to deal with having to make money, while being a mom. As my maternity leave came to an end recently - I felt like a failure. Like I hadn't planned correctly - hadn't realized I'd really have to go back to work. It was a day I had dreaded since long before I ever got pregnant - and I'd had so much time to figure out a better plan - and had not.

So I need to figure one out now. Going part-time - down to 4 days a week - is a step in the right direction. Now, I need to figure out how to only work 3 days a week - without making any less money. And how to really "own" my life - rather than selling myself - short - to others. And doing work that truly, I find boring. And that requires me to spend far too much time away from home.

So, yeah, that's what happened. ha! And I'm back now.

Big blog entry about my breastfeeding comeuppance - and my decision to exclusively pump (and supplement with GASP formula - something I equated with poison before I was forced to come down off my high horse and feed it to my child) - next time.

It feels good to blog again! Even if just for myself, for now...

And here's a few pics for anyone who hasn't totally and completely abandoned this blog...

Jungle Jack!

Sleepy First Neighborhood Stroller Ride!

mmmm.. hands ... Nom nom nom!

:-)

Hello stranger...

2009-02-06T18:17:00.000-08:00

I really, really have not forgotten about this blog. My son is almost 12 weeks old - and it has been a whirlwind. I go back to work on Monday and am crushed .. I hope to go part-time in the very near future. I cannot work full-time away from Jack. I really can't. I hope J and I can make it work financially. I will have more time to post, ironically, once I'm at work! But for now .. here are some pictures of my beautiful, beautiful son.

Jack's Birth

2008-11-30T13:09:00.000-08:00

OK .. so here's what happened...

After trying to get some sleep the night before .. John and I got up at 4am on Monday, November 17, with the goal of getting to the hospital at 5:30am for 7:30am surgery. I was strangely calm the night before - but still dopplered Jack one last time to make sure his heart was beating. The morning of the C-section, I was nervous, and part of me wondered if we'd even have the section - could Jack have turned?? Maybe that was his butt up by my ribs and not his head? We'd find out once we got to the hospital.

We pulled together the last of our things and headed out the door at 5am. We made it to the hospital by 5:30 - and pulled into the emergency entrance (as instructed.) We told the guard I was having a baby, and they were waiting for us upstairs. He got me a wheelchair and I got in. I was holding my belly - one of the last times I'd do so with Jack inside - and the guard said "Oh, look at her she is READY." He thought I was in labor. I didn't correct him, just smiled. And as it turned out ... I was in the beginning stages of labor! Once they got me on the monitors upstairs, I was having mild contractions, which made me really happy. The timing was right. It was time for Jack to be born. A quick ultrasound confirmed that Jack was indeed still breech. I was actually a little taken aback. I think something like "holy shiit, I'm having a freakin' C-section at 7:30 went through my head..."

It wasn't clear exactly who was doing my surgery. I wanted Dr. T ... but was told it might be Dr. G. I started to cry. Dr. G. had never been anything but totally grumpy to us. But thankfully - all of a sudden - Dr. T. came strolling through the door and I lit up like a Christmas tree. Dr. T. is the back up high risk doctor for my midwives and just such a great person. Great doctor, great guy. I was happy again. But NERVOUS!!

John and I hung out while they continued to monitor Jack, who was doing just fine. Dr. T. patted my belly and said "see you soon Jack!" and soon - it was time to head to the OR. John suited up in his scrubs but was not allowed in for the spinal. I was very scared of the spinal ... but Dr. T. stood right in front of me as I hunched over for the initial lidocaine injection and rubbed my shoulders and literally HUGGED me like a dad and told me how great I was doing. I breathed deeply in and out. They said the lidocaine would sting but it didn't really phase me after giving myself two lovenox injections a day for the last bazillion months in order to stay healthy and pregnant. Then, it was time for the spinal. A resident named Rachel administered it with the attending standing right beside her. Earlier, I had asked her "do you do a lot of spinals? How do you feel about mine? You feel good? You excited?" ha ha!! I wanted to make sure she knew where to stick that friggin' thing!! She did great though - and soon I felt weird and numb and they laid me down. They did NOT strap my arms down, honoring my C-section birth plan request. I thought that was very cool. And though my birth plan had requested no students - there were some in the room. I was OK with it. At that point, I just wanted to get it going and get it OVER with and be OK and have the baby be OK.

John came in once I was laying down - I had an oxygen mask on which was freaking me out but I focused on staying calm. My midwife, Kathy, there as a support person could see that John was freaked out and calmly said "John, you'll sit right here" and plopped him on a stool by my head. The surgery began and they did NOT mess around - Dr. T. is known for his FAST C-sections. I could feel A LOT of pressure but no pain. I did feel nauseous though and kept saying "Rachel, I feel nauseous" and she'd up my anti-nausea meds in my IV. She managed to keep me from puking, so she did a good job!

I could hear surgery chatter but felt pretty out of it and disconnected. Although I did say at the beginning "remember he has a big head, make sure you make room!" So typical of me - giving the surgeon last minute instructions! I am so controlling ... ha!

At one point I knew they were pulling him out and I could feel them sort of wrestling to get him out. I said in a small voice "is everything OK?" and John assured me that it was. He told me later he was sweating and so scared for me. Not the baby - for me. Hearing that reminded me how much he loves me. (OK, that just made me teary-eyed.)

At 7:54am - Jack Clifton was born. He filled the air with lusty cries immediately! I could hear him and just could NOT believe it. I think my midwife said "mom wants to see her baby" and they brought him around the corner. I looked and saw this BIG baby crying away and couldn't believe it. I burst into tears - relief, joy, so many emotions. Unfortunately, I still felt pretty out of it - and nauseous. I said to John "go with the baby." I wanted him to be with the baby while I got sewn up and while they examined Jack. He told me later he went and stood by awkwardly until someone said "you can touch him" and not knowing what to do he sort of patted Jack's head. ha ha!! So cute.

As they got ready to wheel me out - they brought Jack to me, briefly, all swaddled up. I honestly don't really remember this - but we have a picture! So I know it happened. They then took him back for more whatever and wheeled me to recovery. I hoped to have Jack at my breast within an hour of the surgery and lo and behold - 59 minutes after the surgery - there he was - and we put him to my breast. He latched on immediately. I later found out that John was the driving force behind the effort to get Jack to me within an hour - as it usually takes longer. He kept saying, Alicia wants to nurse within an hour (I have trained him well) and I guess he bugged everyone so much they finally gave in!

Finally, we were all together. A family of three. The end of my wonderful, scary, miraculous pregnancy - and the beginning of our new lives together.

JACK IS HERE!!

2008-11-24T13:52:00.000-08:00

JACK CLIFTON IS HERE!! Born at 39 weeks on November 17, 2008 .. weighing in at 8 pounds, 11 ounces and 21 inches long. My big beautiful boy. It is indescribable. We are in love. Pics to come!!!

In less than 56 hours ..

2008-11-14T20:59:00.000-08:00

.. God willing .. I'll have a baby! Jack will come into the world via Cesarean birth as he is big and breech and didn't wanna turn. I am getting over my disappointment over having a surgical birth - and am instead VERY excited to see my baby boy. I can't wait to see what he looks like .. and begin to learn who he is.

The next 56 hours can't go fast enough. Really and truly - we are ready to welcome Jack into the world (well .. I have one more Target run to make .. and some laundry to do this weekend .. and we have yet to pack our bag - ha ha!) But his room is done (it's so cute, I'll post a picture at some point), his clothes are washed, I have blankets, diapers, butt cream, and so much love waiting for him. He is such a wanted, wanted baby.

I love you Jack. I can't wait to meet you. I have been waiting for you all my life.

November 17?!?

2008-10-30T11:50:00.001-07:00

Well, it looks like we may have a birthday for Jack! I am now 36 weeks and 3 days - and Jack is big - and BREECH. I've tried yoga, acupuncture, moxibustion and chiropractic .. and he has not budged. It is not impossible that he might still turn - but it is unlikely. So at this point - this wanna be crunchy birth mama has scheduled a C-section for November 17. Most docs will no longer attempt breech deliveries, neither will my midwives, risks outweigh the benefits. As we've already dealt with enough risk in this pregnancy - we're going with the C-section. I'm disappointed - it's not the birth I would have chosen - but I am getting over it. I am very, very, very excited to meet Jack. It's a moment I've been waiting for my entire life. :-)

34 week belly pics!

2008-10-13T13:15:00.000-07:00

Big ole belly!

Me and my shadow..

Jack's House!

Getting ready to have my life turned upside down..

I am upside down .. and very wise ..

Behind the Red Door ..

I love Jack!

Sittin' and Thinkin'

Heart in Hands

Shower Pics! 31 weeks pregnant ...

2008-10-13T13:07:00.000-07:00

I am awful blogger!

2008-10-08T11:24:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I can't seem to find a minute to update this blog! I am lame.

Things continue to go well. I had a shower a couple of weeks ago and will post pics soon - it was wonderful. I had another growth scan this morning - baby boy is estimated to be over 5 pounds, apparently has quite a big (but normal) head, and is STILL breech. Turn baby turn!!

I will post a better update soon .. but all remains well as we head toward the home stretch! Amazing. :-)

Good Growth Ultrasound!

2008-09-08T10:01:00.001-07:00

So much for people telling me I look "tiny" (I hate that. I know people think they are giving you a compliment but it only makes you paranoid - especially when your baby could be at risk for IUGR - intra-uterine growth restriction. But I digress!)

The baby looks great! I had a 29 week growth scan today - and he is officially measuring 30 weeks so one week ahead. And his estimated weight as of today is 3 pounds, 8 ounces! Which is a really, really nice healthy weight for him. I am very relieved and happy .. until my next spaz out. He does like to tuck himself behind my very healthy sized placenta - which explains why sometimes I can barely feel him. And .. he's breech! Uh oh. But no one is worried (and I'm not either) - the consensus is that he has plenty of time and room to turn. And I think he will do exactly that before it's time for him to be born. (And if not, well, we'll cross that bridge if we need to.)

So far, this baby has never let me down. He is my special little boy and I love him so much. Good baby!!! :-)

Panic Attack

2008-09-07T15:35:00.000-07:00

So I ended up at the hospital this past Friday. Last weekend, the baby seemed very normally active, lots of nice kicks and rolls. But by Tuesday of last week - his activity seemed to be dwindling. It didn't stop but it just seemed - less. Same thing on Wednesday. Thursday morning he was VERY active - but then the rest of the day, not so much. And Friday - hardly anything. After drinking a lemonade juice box and then downing a full can of Sprite in an afternoon meeting on Friday - and getting almost NO response - I started sweating and panicking. I called The Midwife Center and had the midwife on call paged. She called me back - we talked it over - and agreed to meet at the hospital so that I could undergo what is called an NST or Non Stress Test (ha! Ironic given how STRESSED I was by that point.) During an NST - they put two monitors on your belly. One tracks baby's heartbeat - the other monitors uterine activity, i.e. contractions.

It only took 5 seconds for tech to locate baby's heartbeat but it seemed like an ETERNITY. For a second - when we didn't heart his heart right away - mine stopped. But then she found it - and I knew he was ALIVE. Now we just had to ascertain whether or not he was also OK.

They monitored me for a little over half an hour - and his heartrate was very good - fluctuating between the 140's and 150's. Very normal. And he kicked at the monitor a few times too. After that - they even did a quick ultrasound to check fluid levels - that also looked good. I didn't get a great look at the u/s - the person doing it was a resident but not an u/s tech per se - and it just wasn't a great peek. But that's OK - I have another peek scheduled for tomorrow morning! Tomorrow's is a growth scan - to make sure the baby is measuring on target for 29 weeks. This is because my blood clotting disorders put the baby at risk for IUGR - intra-uterine growth restriction. This would be brought on by placenta not doing its job properly. Hopefully - tomorrow's u/s will show a nice, healthy, 29 weeker. We'll see.

I felt so grateful on Friday that my midwife treated me so compassionately and respectfully. Not once did she make me feel like a crazy pregnant lady. She 100 percent validated my feelings - and we are going to come up with a plan to deal with my increasing anxiety level - more heartbeat checks at the midwife center - and some additional NST's to be scheduled throughout the rest of my pregnancy. I think this will help me a lot. I did not know that my anxiety would take off like this. But truly - it's not just me being crazy. He IS moving less - I'm not sure why. Who knows? It may be that he's moved into a position where the kicks and punches just feel less powerful to me or aren't as readily detectable. I'll definitely be asking tomorrow morning about his positioning and how that might be affecting my ability to feel movement! You can bet on that! Or it may be that he's just in a less active mode for now.

I'll know more tomorrow. He has moved around for me today - nothing crazy and of course I wish it was more - but I HAVE felt him - and that has to be enough for now. Hopefully - tomorrow's u/s will go great and I'll feel a lot better.

I really love being pregnant - and I don't want to be an anxious mess for the remaining 11 or so weeks that I am pregnant. I may never be pregnant again (which makes me sad - but it's a very real possibility.) So as much as I can't WAIT to meet my baby - I also don't want to wish this time away. It's the only time that this little baby will be inside my belly. So I hope that the additional visits to the midwife center and NST's can help me relax a little. And - I'll get back into prenatal yoga when I can (foot is still in the boot for now.)

One more quick update - J and I went to our first breastfeeding class last Tuesday - and our first childbirth class last Wednesday. Really fun. I am in awe of the fact that these classes even apply to me. I still can't believe I'm pregnant.

More news after tomorrow's ultrasound ... hope all are well. :-)

Update: Pic of me at 28 weeks!

Cranky Post

2008-08-27T18:12:00.000-07:00

If J mentions baby clutter one more time - I am seriously going to kick his ass. He e-mailed me today to tell me how some new parents told him:

"Think about how you can do without all the accessories. We bought a crib and a bassinet. Used the bassinet for about a week, and now its got to go. I’ve heard of people not buying changing tables as well. Think outside of the box because a lot of the stuff you buy you will quickly find you don’t need."

Well I don't give a crap what those new parents said. I have waited for this baby for 37 years - I'm not already looking for ways to minimize his presence in our home. I don't care if it's a g-damn baby explosion. I know we don't "need" half, shit, two-thirds of the stuff we registered for - but I WANT it. I didn't go through 9 zillion appointments, shots, invasive exams, surgeries & side effects so that I could buy my baby a wooden rattle and crib and call it a day. And this is a man who has PLENTY of his own toys (literally, toys, he collects the weirdest shit and is into gaming, etc.) and he's telling me about baby clutter?! Someone needs to check himself .... mama is IRRITATED!

OK - apart from the above rant - my foot is better. (Still broken. But better!) Orthopedic doc did put me in a walking cast and within a few days I was down to one crutch and supposedly will graduate to a CANE soon - how exciting! LOL! I actually used the cane last night for several hours - but today my foot was sore again after not having been for a few days so I think I overdid it. So back to the crutch for the next several days and then I'll try the cane again.

They also want to do another X-ray in 5 weeks to make sure it's healed. Well, that's not happening. I'm sure my doctor will be annoyed - but too bad. They can X-ray the foot again after the baby is born. I'm all X-rayed out after the round at the ER last week. That really stressed me out - and stress (and X-rays) aren't good for baby... So no more X-rays. We'll just have to play it by ear.

27 weeks and 2 days today! Wow.

Shit.

2008-08-21T07:46:00.000-07:00

At 6 and a half months pregnant - I have fallen and broken my foot. Just a stupid accident - missed a step and went down on my butt and my foot went under me and I sat one it. And - it's broken. Fifth Metatarsal. Apparently this type of break is so common it's called a "Jones Fracture". Spent yesterday in the ER. Baby is fine. My foot, on the other hand, is, well, fucked. I am really bummed out - but taking it one step at a time (har har.) I should be walking again by 32 weeks pregnant so hopefully long before I go into labor. I will get through this. I am afraid of falling again as I am now on crutches and more awkward than ever. I see an orthopedic doctor shortly - actually leaving right after I post this - and he will cast me - although I am not letting him put a hard cast on me. I fear that will throw me even more off balance - so it's going to have to be some kind of walking cast (even though I'm sure I won't be able to walk in the walking cast for quite some time.)

So, yeah, this sucks. But I'll get through it. Baby is OK. That is what's most important to me.

Another Quick Update ...

2008-08-05T18:34:00.000-07:00

... Because I am guilty of blog neglect! I need new pics and new entries! Life is busy - but good. I hit 24 weeks yesterday and it feels like a huge, wonderful milestone. I am tired ... and achey ... but it's fine. I love being pregnant and can't wait to meet my baby.

I am headed to Charleston, South Carolina on Friday ... staying with friends at a great beach house on Isle of Palms - can't wait! J and I will leave town on Friday - drive as far as Charlotte, North Carolina - stay overnight - and then continue on our way to Charleston. We're breaking up the typically 11 hour - one day drive into two days so I don't get TOO swollen and uncomfortable. We'll also make frequent stops along the way for me to pee and walk around. My midwives and doctor are fine with us making this trip. I am really looking forward to it - all except for leaving my dogs. My mom will watch them but it makes me really nervous and sad to leave them. Once I get to the beach I'll relax but the anticipation of being away from them makes me anxious. :-( But I know they will be fine - she'll come over 3 times a day every day while we're gone and sleep over at my house every other night. She's a wonderful doggie grandma (and a wonderful grandma to her 9 human grandchildren too - my baby will be number 10!!)

That's the report ... I'm fat and happy. Can't wait to meet my son. More later!

:-)

A very quick update...

2008-07-16T13:49:00.000-07:00

... because I haven't updated in so long! All is well ... I am FINALLY feeling more regular movement - nothing crazy - but some more defined kicks and pokes. Still pretty faint - although not so faint that J didn't feel a few last night with his hand on my belly! So that is really wonderful - goes a long way toward making me feel like the little one is safe and healthy in there.

Check-up tomorrow ... hope all are well! Update me on how YOU are doing! :-)

19 week ultrasound pics ...

2008-07-01T11:42:00.001-07:00

Yoga Baby .. he's doing a position called "downward dog" ha ha! :-)

Cutie Face

My Son's Foot!

Thumb's Up!

I can't believe these are pictures of my son. I can't believe that "my son" is even a phrase that applies to me. I really can't wrap my head around it.

In other news ... last night ... my mother-in-law told J that she thinks the drive to her town for a shower would be too much for us/me right now - and she's just going to send us money instead. LOL!!!! After all that. Too much. (I think actually J's brother got to her .. because I know J said something to his brother about the drive being potentially tough for me. But it's very nice that she gracefully let it go. Points for J's mom.. :-) All is well!!

Big Ultrasound....

2008-06-30T14:31:00.000-07:00

Drumroll please ... everything looks great AND ...

He's a boy!! :-) :-) And he looks perfect .. out of 15 possible markers for down's - he doesn't have ANY. At this point, doctor would recommend against amnio - statistically - my chances of a complication from amnio are higher than anything being wrong with the baby. Being 37 years old - that is a huge relief for me and J - we are so happy about our healthy little boy. I just can't believe it.

And I DO have an anterior (front of the uterus) placenta - which explains why I have felt so little movement .. and I probably won't feel a lot for a few more weeks. I'm 19 weeks today. (Although the placenta is more off to the right - so he has a little window on the left and I did feel some taps there last night.) The u/s tech said the anterior placenta can be a good thing - a little cushion once those kicks get constant! She was great, same one we had for our 12w u/s - very nice and friendly.

High risk doc was very friendly and re-assuring too ... says my Lovenox/baby aspirin treatment is going great ... we'll take another peek inside around 29 weeks to check intra-uterine growth (an increased risk due to my blood clotting disorders) - if baby looks good - that will probably be our last u/s.

And he thinks there is a good chance I will be able to have the birth I want - midwife assisted and unmedicated at the hospital. So we're doing great. So far, so good. Will post u/s pics later - as soon as J scans them in and sends me a couple! :-) yay! Today is a wonderful day.

Nervous

2008-06-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

My standard, pre-ultrasound anxiety has set in. It was sparked by a giant fight J and I had this week about whether or not we would be driving across the state in July - for a shower that his mother just announced she wanted to throw for me.

Now - that is a very nice idea. And I get that she wants to celebrate the impending birth of her grandchild - her youngest son's first child - in this way. (She only has one other grandchild - a grand-daughter - who is now a teenager and who she doesn't see much of.)

HOWEVER ... I was pissed. Yes, that's right, pissed. If you read this blog - you know my pregnancy is high risk. I have two blood clotting disorders - Factor V Leiden and MTHFR. I'm on Lovenox blood thinner injections twice a day to keep my blood from getting too clotty to sustain life (mine or the baby's.) I also take a daily baby aspirin, a folic/b supplement called Foltx, a PNV, and some other assorted pills.

This past weekend, I drove to Virginia to see my sister. The typically five hour drive took closer to 7 hours. I had to stop frequently and walk around and still, I was in pain after the journey there and the ride back. I was also nervous about blood clots the whole time.

Now - J and I do have another LONG road trip planned. We are supposed to drive to the beach in August. It's an 11 hour drive - which will probably take us closer to 13 hours. We were going to break it up into 2 days - and stay overnight at a hotel in between. Same thing for the ride back home after our week at the beach. I really, really want to go on this vacation. We go with a big group of friends who all have kids - stay in a giant house in South Carolina right on the beach - and it's just a really lovely week. This would be our third year going.

But this is all I was anticipating in terms of road trips this summer - all I was mentally prepared for - and all I was willing to do physically.

But all of a sudden .. I find out just this past weekend that my mother-in-law wants to throw a shower for me. Oh - and I don't know any of J's relatives in his hometown (6 hours from where we live by car .. so .. 8 hours while traveling pregnant.) J and I got married in Mexico - just the two of us - coming up on 5 years ago. So I didn't even meet these people at a wedding or anything like that. Now, over the years, I have met SOME of them at a very few, infreqent family gatherings. But that's it. I don't *know* them .. and they don't know me. So in all honesty - I can't imagine anyone who is invited to this shower will buy anything more than a onesie. Seriously. And I understand that! They don't know me - so a) why would they even come? and b) if they come, they certainly aren't buying some great gift.

So basically - I'd be stuffed in the car for an uncomfortable, potentially dangerous 8 hour car ride - to collect a few onesies - and then be stuffed back in the car for another uncomfortable (and now we can add painful since the ride back will be two days after the ride there), potentially dangerous 8 hour car ride.

Oh - and my in-laws don't have central air conditioning. Do they really expect the pregnant lady to stay in a VERY SMALL spare room with no a/c? Seriously? Why yes, they do. So J and I would have to buy a window unit and take it with us and install it in their window.

I DON'T WANT TO GO!! And I have never once, not in 8 years of being together and 5 years of marriage - said "no" to a trip to J's parents' home. In fact, I suggest them more often than J! (But somehow, I know I'm the imaginary villainess who keeps J away from his parents. Believe you me, that's not reality but I know it's what his mom thinks because, well, she has said so.)

So if we don't go - it will once again be ME being mean. His family has conveniently forgotten that my pregnancy is high risk ... and I guess has no clue that being stuffed in a car for a long ride is potentially a health risk.

Now ... if you are saying to yourself .. but you're willing to ride to the beach... well, yes, you are correct. If my doctors says it's OK - we were going to make that long trip. What I was not prepared to do was add ANOTHER long trip PRIOR to going to the beach. So now .. instead of 24 hours in a car between now and mid-August, we're talking about potentially 38 hours in a car between now and mid-August. You see what I mean? So .. ugh. We see our high risk doctor on Monday and I'll talk it over with him them. I'm hoping he says making both trips is a bad idea - and we should pick one or the other.

And my mother-in-law WILL be invited to the shower that is being thrown locally for me in mid-September. But she won't come. She won't travel. But the high risk pregnant lady IS expected to travel across the state or she's a big meanie.

So .. back to my first paragraph. In researching pregnancy, travel, Factor V Leiden and MTHFR .. I was reminded of the potential seriousness of my blood clotting disorders and it really upset me. I'm doing everything I can to make it to the end of this pregnancy and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby. But much of what could happen is out of my control.

I love this baby so much. And I say this not to be scary - but if something were to happen - I'm not sure I'd recover. My family has been through a LOT in recent years ... loss ... illness ... it's just been really hard. And through it all, I have been strong. And I was strong in my battle with infertility - and I think I'm being strong now. But I need this baby to be OK. I love this baby more than anything in the world.

So now I'm nervous about my Monday ultrasound. And I really haven't felt much movement if anything yet. Which everyone says is normal for first time moms - but I want to feel my baby.

OK - enough bitching and moaning. Just to lighten the mood - here's a picture of me in kindergarten!

17 weeks, 2 days ...

2008-06-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

Had another check-up today - went great - heard baby's heartbeat, it's in the 140's so am happy with that. That is the most magical sound. I love it and will never get tired of hearing it.

And I've also only gained 1.5 pounds since my last appointment - given that by around 8 weeks I had gained TEN pounds plus ..(although I think some of that was IF treatment cycle related too) but anyways - I've definitely slowed down, at least for now, and that's not a bad thing. Especially given that I think I look pretty darn big for not being ALL that pregnant.

So, anyway, all is well. Big ultrasound on June 30 - less than two weeks!

No one ever told me about ...

2008-06-12T13:16:00.001-07:00

... round ligament pain. They didn't! I had no idea that it could be perfectly normal to feel, well, pain during pregnancy. RLP (round ligament pain) is what they call it when the ligaments surrounding your uterus (underneath and to the sides) stretch as your baby and uterus grow. And for some people (like me) when these ligaments stretch - it feels kind of like cramps and kind of like being stabbed. LOL! OK, maybe not QUITE as far as being stabbed - but it can be a quite sharp pain. And no one told me this!!! Or maybe I didn't listen, I don't know.

My other OUCH moment came the other night - I was woken out of a sound sleep at 3am and nearly jumped out of bed - I had a searing pain in my lower back - toward the right - that quickly got worse and started to wrap around my entire right side. Just when I was ready to tell DH to wake up and rush me to the hospital he woke up and asked me why I was flailing about. When I explained - he started rubbing my lower back and while it seemed to help a tiny bit I didn't really think it would work - but it did! He rubbed and rubbed and found the very sore spot where the pain was originating from and rubbed it away. Thank goodness!! Within just a few minutes - the pain was gone. I went downstairs and got a huge glass of water, drank it down, and went back to sleep. Apparently - it was basically a charley horse or muscle spasm in my back.

I've had all sorts of aches and pain ... achey crotch (like a pulled muscle feeling) the aforementioned RLP, tight feeling tummy and uterus .. I guess that's what happens when you're 37 and in your second trimester for the first time ever. My 37 year old uterus and ligaments have never been asked to stretch so far so quickly and they are PROTESTING loudly.

But you know? I don't care!! About any of it!! I am still so incredulous that I am actually pregnant - I can't believe it. I can't believe that I am pregnant. For so long, I didn't think I was "allowed" to be pregnant .. it felt like a club I wasn't sure I'd ever belong to. And I love it. I can't WAIT to feel the baby move. Can't wait. I thought I did the other night ... but unfortunately ... I think that was gas. Oh well.

Our next midwife appointment is on Wednesday the 18th ... I will be VERY glad to hear heartbeat again .. I'm getting a little anxious having not heard it since around 13 weeks. Luckily I have a friend's wedding to distract me this weekend - and hopefully the days will go quickly. J is supposed to go to this appointment with me - he's never been to the midwife center (he's been to RE and u/s appointments with me - just not the midwife center yet.) So I'm excited to have him there and to hear heartbeat on doppler together. I have to figure out how to record the sound on my cellphone..

And on June 30 we have our BIG ultrasound and meeting with perinatologist to plot out my care for the rest of the pregnancy. The Lovenox shots continue to go fine, I have a bruise-y, sad lookin' tummy but that's OK. I do want to do maternity belly shots at some point though - J will have to photoshop the bruises out!!

That's my news .. I'll try to be better about updating .. and post more pics soon! :-)

Just for fun - round ligaments! Ew!!

16 week bump pic!

2008-06-09T13:51:00.000-07:00

So far, so good - although I think I'm BIG for 16 weeks. But that's OK! :-)

13 weeks 2 days...

2008-05-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

OK ... where was I? Oh yes - the NT scan. It went great. We got to the hospital where we were having it done at 9:45am (wait - actually we were late. J and I got in a big fight about seriously, I don't even know what - totally stress induced - and that put us a few minutes behind schedule...) OK - so, 9:48am .. we got to the hospital and made our way up to the OB/Ultrasound "wing" - and signed in. And yes, I was nervous. Very. Not having seen the baby since 6w2d - I was so scared of finding out we'd had a missed miscarriage (basically a miscarriage where the fetus dies and you don't have any signs of that so don't know.) The risk of a missed miscarriage is extremely low, by the way. For any newly pregnant people who might be reading this - don't be a spaz like me! It is MUCH more common that if something is wrong - you know it!

OK - but that was a huge fear of mine. So anyway - we sat in the waiting room for a while - and then a genetic counselor came to get us. She had a really nice student with her too .. they took us in an office and sat down with us to talk genetic risks and possibilites. I had thought this part was going to be a big downer and had warned J accordingly .. I didn't want him getting all freaked out (as he has a tendency to do) over "possibilities". But the genetics person and the student were actually very cool - both very nice, low key, nothing was said that was alarming. Just some matter of fact information about where my age put us as far as risk of Down's Syndrome and some other chromosomal disorder they would be screening for (Trisomy 18? I think. I should know that. But I forget.) Based on my age our risk was 1 in 110 for Down's.

After we talked about those issues - they took a history from both me and J .. wanting to know about any physical problems in our immediate families - that type of thing. And that was it. It was an easy conversation. Then - finally - it was time for the ultrasound. We got a really nice tech - a young woman named Renee. You could just tell she was warm and friendly right off the bat. As soon as I got in the room I told her that while I knew I was supposed to have a "full" bladder - mine was more on the level of painful as I'd been drinking a big bottle of water during the genetic consult. She told me to try and let some out - so I did - not sure if that helped or made it worse actually.

Then - I hopped up on the table - J was with me - and she squeezed a big glob on goo on my tummy (warmed up goo! Which I thought was very cool of them.) My first external ultrasound too - just like a "real" pregnant lady! And then ... the moment of truth ... ultrasound thingy went on my tummy and ... IMMEDIATELY ... there was the very much alive baby ... heart beating away at 175bpm (which I thought was a little fast but Renee said it was normal and looked great.) I couldn't believe it. Once again .. my baby. And it looked a lot more like a baby too! And it was -- moving!!! And jumping! Like a crazy little bean. Tears sprung into my eyes and I started giggling uncontrollably too (which made the u/s thing bounce right off of me but I couldn't help it.) I reached for J's hand and we held hands tightly - it was so amazing (er, seeing the baby. Not holding hands. We've done that before.)

Since baby was jumping around so much Renee had a little trouble getting the measurements she needed but eventually she did succeed. Baby's little neck looked great (that's one of things they're looking for as far as the down's screening) .. everything was measuring perfectly. I think we measured 2 days ahead actually - I was exactly 12 weeks that day and we measured 12w2d.

We briefly met with one of the perinatologists after the u/s (he was a little weird .. I'm hoping I get the other peri when we go in for another u/s on June 30 but we'll see..) and then it was time for bloodwork. Went to the lab ... got stuck ... and we were done. John headed to work .. and I headed home .. and then back out - for another appointment - my 12 week check-up at the Midwife Center. While there .. midwife COULDN'T find the heartbeat on doppler! It was the first time anybody had tried on a doppler though - and I was good - I didn't freak out but it was a total bummer after such a great morning. I knew everything was OK ... but still. So I scheduled a doppler re-check for the following week and actually just went to that yesterday - and she found the heartbeat no problem. Approximately 150bpm so slower than last week at the NT scan but the baby is a lot bigger this week and everybody says heartbeat fluctuates so ... I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like this can and WILL have a good outcome.

I'm still worried about the clotting disorders and what impact they could have on the rest of the pregnancy. But so far .. the Lovenox and baby aspirin and foltex seem to be having the exact effect we want them to have. The pregnancy is going well.

I'll have another perinatal (high risk) consult - really my first "big" consult - on June 30 - same day we do the level 2 ultrasound. (Oh - we'll also find out the sex that day too, provided baby cooperates. But NT scan tech did take an early guess ... she was learning toward BOY! So we'll see if she was right in 6 weeks..)

Anyway - I have a list of questions for the peri about how the later half of my pregnancy will be monitored. I'll dig 'em up and post 'em here eventually. But again .. so far .. so good. I feel like I am officially pregnant. I've told my co-workers (did so last week the day after the NT scan.) I'm not hiding my way too big for only being 3 months pregnant bump anymore (I'm proud of that bump! I worked hard for it!!)

I feel like things can turn out OK. I love my baby. I can't wait to meet my baby. And I believe that I will. That's right, I said it! I've been so cautious and "superstitious" - I just want to let myself be happy. It's hard .. but I'm trying. It's worth it.

(Oh - duh. Quick update - the bloodwork all came back "negative" so as far as the NT screening - we were not found to have any increased risk for down's. yay!)

NT Scan

2008-05-15T12:14:00.000-07:00

Went great. More later! :-)

(Update .. just for fun .. my first "baby")

Like sands through the hourglass...

2008-05-06T15:12:00.000-07:00

I got nothin' really. Time has officially come to a standstill. Or so it would seem. I am just biding my time until May 12 - my birthday, and day of our NT scan. I need two things to happen on that day. 1) I need confirmation that baby is still alive and growing and healthy. 2) I need to NOT be told that anything looks risky or weird.

I know having the NT scan at all is a gamble - given that it IS a screening ultrasound and they are basically looking for trouble. But I have to have it. I have no choice. (Well, I do - but mentally - I don't.) I have to have another ultrasound and this is the only way to get one. That may sound terrible to some - but you're not me. I have suppressed so much anxiety over the past few weeks - I can't concentrate on work - all I can do is wonder about the health of my baby. I just want to know we're still chugging along. Ugh. Come ON!

Wake me up when it's Monday....

Double Digits

2008-04-29T15:08:00.001-07:00

I feel like a bad blogger - not having updated in so long - but in my defense I try to start a new post the other day but blogger was down! So I didn't.

Truth is .. I don't have a lot to blog about. I feel like I'm pretty much holding my breath until May 12 - hoping that ultrasound shows that all is well - and that I'm still pregnant. Which, I assume I am, of course - but after infertility and pregnancy loss - well, it's hard not to let all of your worst fears dance across your brain occasionally. And then you worry that by allowing negative thoughts in your brain, negative things will happen, and so you quickly shoo them away, and replace them with loud thoughts that go something like this, "HEALTHY PREGNANCY! HEALTHY BABY!" And you hope that will appease the thought Gods. And that your baby is OK.

At least that's been my experience.

Physically - I'm fine. Have definitely experienced some nausea here and there - but then once it passes I doubt myself, and wonder if I imagined it, because feeling nauseous feels like proof of pregnancy. But I don't think I'm imagining it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I have felt quite lousy more than a few times over the past few weeks. Still having some cramping. Lots of pinching around 9 weeks. In fact - I had twinging/pinching/cramping for 2 and a half days around 9 weeks and was really pretty freaked out about it (of course) but it was never horribly painful and I had no spotting or bleeding - so hope that it was just stuff stretching - which seems to be the catch all explanation for just about every cramp and twinge and pinch you feel during the first 12 weeks of pregnancy.

So that's it. I'm fine. But still afraid. Really just biding my time until May 12 NT scan/ultrasound. We'll see how it goes .. and hopefully things will remain quiet for now. Quiet is fine. Right?

First Appointment

2008-04-15T18:32:00.000-07:00

Well, first "official" appointment at the Midwife Center. All is well. I'm 8w1d today ... and while she did not check for a heartbeat (too early to hear on doppler) she did check my uterus and said it feels like an "8 to 10 week pregnant uterus." So I have to think that's a good thing - and indicative of a healthy little person growing INSIDE my growing uterus. That's my big fear - something happening in spite of our having seen heartbeat at 6w2d (which seems like FOREVER ago.)

I scheduled an NT scan for May 12. May 12 is my birthday. And nothing bad can happen on my birthday. So the NT scan will go well. I've decided.

Although actually I'm wavering on the NT scan ... I don't want it to freak me out. And I'll only not be freaked out if it's great. (Same with J. He will SPAZ OUT if the NT scan looks iffy.)

I don't want amnio. I don't want to risk miscarriage. So I'm wavering on the NT scan. But I'll probably go through with it. It's a chance to take a CLOSE look at the baby. And I really want to see the baby again. Whether we do NT scan or not - the next u/s after that would be around 18 - 20 weeks with high risk doctor (perinatologist.) That seems so far away ... I think that's like, early July or something. MONTHS away.

So we'll see. But for today - everything appears to be fine. According to my uterus, at least.

(QUICK UPDATE/CLARIFICATION - in re-reading this - it sounds like I think amnio and NT scan are the same thing. What I meant was - I'm having NT scan in the hopes that I get good news and so don't need to go on to have the amnio. If we get iffy news - we might do amnio. Or not. We'll see..)

Er, What Do I Do Now?

2008-04-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

After having a big fat anxiety attack this morning over WHO WAS GOING TO OVERSEE MY PREGNANCY CARE???? (all in caps because that's how that question felt in my mind) I had a long talk with one of the midwives at the practice I've always gone to for my regular, well woman care - and she talked me down off the bridge.

I was so worried because my blood clotting disorders and being on Lovenox blood thinner injections make me a higher risk patient ... so I didn't know if felt comfortable going the midwife route ... but my RE discharged me yesterday after seeing a heartbeat (yay!) and I just felt ... lost. And scared for my baby.

So after googling all sorts of crap and e-mailing people and looking for recommendations and going crazy ... I talked to Nancy ... who was so kind and we talked about my fears. She told me I am in a category of care that they would consider higher risk but that they could work with me in conjunction with the high risk MFM's (maternal fetal medicine specialists aka perinatologists) they refer out to. She had already talked to the head MFM about me (I had left a message with her yesterday) and they had gone over my case. He wants to see me between 16 - 18 weeks - and the midwives will monitor me in the meantime. Nancy is ordering bloodwork/platelet count once/week for the next three weeks to see how I'm doing on the Lovenox - they are also upping my dose slightly (per MFM recommendation) and now I'll do injections twice/day rather than once a day. (30 mg/twice a day rather than 40mg/once a day. Two injections a day! Crap. Oh well. I'd walk on hot coals if it will help to ensure a healthy pregnancy and safe baby.) Nancy also ordered all my pregnancy b/w (testing for diseases, all standard stuff) so I'll have that done tomorrow too.

And she will set me up for an NT scan at 12 weeks - that will be done at the hospital ultrasound center (I'm assuming.) The midwife group I've always gone to see are all CNM's (certified nurse midwives) and while they do operate an independent birth center they also work closely with a local major hospital. And the MFM's are supposed to be very good (and nice) too.

So I feel better. Still terrified - but I feel like someone is going to look after me and help me and my baby be safe.

I'll give birth at the hospital rather than the midwife center and it may turn out that the MFM's totally take over my care if that becomes necessary at some point but we're going to see how it goes. Otherwise - I'll probably have a midwife attend the hospital birth with MFM checking in to make sure we're OK.

Deep breaths. This WILL be OK. Inhaling ... exhaling ...

Heartbeat

2008-04-02T20:16:00.000-07:00

I made it. I made it to today's ultrasound. And I wasn't even too horribly spazzy the night before - and though I felt like I was going to puke before the appointment this morning (and it was anxiety, not morning sickness) I did NOT puke. So that was good.

I drove to the appointment by myself - the plan was for J to meet me there since he had already gone into work earlier. I got to the office parking lot around 10:15am - appointment not until 10:30am. I sat in my car for five minutes and then decided that was dumb - so headed into the hospital where the office is located. Called J - he was there - parking his car. Took the elevator up to the fifth floor - got off - waited for J. Strolled over to a balcony overlooking an atrium and the hospital lobby. Looked over the railing - five stories down - felt dizzy - backed away. No J - so I headed back to the office to sign in - and then sat in the waiting room. He walked in a second later - gave me a kiss and we sat and held hands. My palms were sweating. Rachael Ray was on television - and, hoo boy, she is "something." Maybe I just wasn't in the mood for all that energy, given how anxious I felt.

Finally - after waiting for what felt like a REALLY long time - they called my name to go back for my ultrasound. J stayed in the waiting room - they don't have the husbands/partners come back right away - I have no idea why. But whatever. I followed the ultrasound tech back and admired her long curly hair that looked a little crispy (product related - not damage) and really - kind of 80's (it was pretty high on top) but she was working it so good for her!

I headed into the bathroom right off the ultrasound room to shed my jeans and underwear ... peed ... wrapped a sheet around my waist (I washed my hands first, of course!) ... and headed out to the ultrasound room and Curly was ... gone. OK. I sat on the exam table in my sheet and waited. Finally - she came back into the room and apologized - someone had grabbed her to ask her a question in another exam room while I was changing. No problem (except I was worried that J was going to get worried and wonder why no one was coming to get him.)

I laid down and put my feet in the stirrups - and Curly handed me the (trans-vaginal) wand so that I could do the honors - except I was so nervous that as I was reaching for the wand (awkwardly - since you're reaching under the sheet and trying not to wipe all the lube off on the sheet while doing so) one of my legs suddenly shot out and the stirrup shot out with it ... I nearly fell off the table.

"Sorry," I said. "I'm so nervous."

"It's OK," Curly replied. She slightly readjusted the stirrup and asked if I was OK with how they were positioned. I told her I was. (Even if I wasn't I would've lied - I was so embarrassed by my spastic-ness.)

We got started. Well - she got started. I just laid there. I could feel a tremor going through my body. I felt as if I might start shaking uncontrollably and tried to remember to breathe. This was it. I had already imagined and run through every scenario in my mind - well, mostly every worst case scenario. Which I am too superstitious to even type here. But you can imagine my fears. Would there be a heartbeat? Or would this day be - the end?

I could hear Curly pointing and clicking. This too seemed to go for a really long time. Finally, she said out loud, "Everything looks good."

"Is there activity?" I asked. "Yep," she replied. "I'll go get your husband so you guys can look at the screen together."

As soon as she said "yep" I had the biggest smile overtake my face - and big tears fill my eyes. I laid there waiting for her to bring J back and just said "Thank you God" over and over. And then I held my tummy and said, "I love you baby. You're such a good baby."

Curly and J came into the room and J whipped out his giant camera (he's a professional photographer) and started fiddling around with the flash! He walked by the screen before I had even seen it and said "I see it!" After he fiddled around for a few more seconds I was exasperated and said, "J!! You're holding up the show!" Curly laughed.

Finally - she turned the screen toward us and showed us the gestational sac ... the yolk sac ... and the tiny, pulsating .. baby. OK "baby" may sound like a stretch - but it was a baby. A little, unformed, tiny white blob of a baby - with a beating heart.

I asked about the heartrate - 120bpm. She said at this point they're looking for anything over 100 so 120 was great. (And given that it just started beating a few days ago - which is just so crazy to me) I think 120 was EXCELLENT. Good job baby!!

J snapped a bunch of pics - I'm sure I look absolutely hideous in all of them as I got very little sleep last night and had no make-up on, a puffy face, hair piled on top of my head and big fat tears in my eyes. But I don't care. I will put those pictures in the scrap book. They're from an important day.

Finally - we were done and we talked with a nurse. They discharged me (which actually I'm not thrilled about .. I wish they'd keep me a little longer but oh well. Heartbeat and don't let the door hit you in the ass! Now I have to figure out who my doctor is - and who's delivering my baby. That's a dilemma for another blog post.)

And then - we left. And I felt truly elated.

I have a million and one more worries. And certainly - it is still very early and by no means are we "out of the woods." But for today - I felt elated. I'm sure I'll be back to my spazzy, anxious self by Thursday morning. But today - was amazing. We saw our baby's heartbeat today.

Second U/S on Wednesday...

2008-03-30T19:36:00.000-07:00

I can survive the next 60 hours, right? I did pretty well this weekend. Kept myself busy - slept - didn't obsess! The fact that I'm feeling (and looking) more bloated is helping. And my boobs seem more consistently veiny to me. No morning sickness though. No constipation. And the boob thing actually might just be my imagination. But I'm hanging in there.

60 hours to next ultrasound. I can do it. And we WILL see a heartbeat. We will.

5w4d

2008-03-28T05:42:00.000-07:00

Not much to report really. Had some more low back pain and crampiness in the wee hours of Thursday morning and pretty much throughout the day Thursday. I have read that the low back pain actually IS common - and can be caused by rising levels of progesterone which actually soften the discs and ligaments in your low back area. How weird is that?!? Anyway - I started feeling better Thursday night and seem to feel better this morning as well. I've decided the cramping incidents must be some kind of uterine growth spurts - a rush of hormones that makes my uterus decide to stretch and feel crampy.

So I'm trying not to worry. My biggest fear is some type of bleeding - especially given that I'm on Lovenox and baby aspirin. But I have to believe they've actually helped me get this far. So far, no spotting, nothing like that. So that continues to be a very good thing. More later ... :-)

More Sobbing, A Second Beta & An Ultrasound

2008-03-24T14:19:00.000-07:00

I think this will be a short entry .. I’m just kind of tired but I’m good – I’m happy. For today. After getting myself all worked up again last night – in anticipation of today’s 5 week ultrasound and my second beta (SIX DAYS AFTER MY FIRST ONE – MOST RE’S DO THEM EVERY COUPLE OF DAYS BUT OH NO .. NOT MY RE) anyway – I didn’t die from hyperventilating and somehow I made to the RE’s office today. I nervously joked with the phlebotomist, “oh, that blood DEFINITELY looks like it has a higher HCG content,” .. she jokingly agreed. I tried to calm down. Then it was time for the ultrasound. I tried to breathe. The tech moved the wand .. I could hear her also clicking away on her keyboard .. measurements and such. Finally .. she said, “OK, there is one sac in your uterus.” Then she went and got my husband – brought him back to u/s room – and showed both of us the sac on the screen. It was just a black blob – but it looked pretty good to me! (I did feel a little pang that there was only one. But just a little pang. One healthy baby would be pretty darn amazing. It’s just that we’ll probably only do this once. But it’s OK. It’s MORE than OK.)

After that – we talked to a nurse – she explained that the sac was all they were looking for today since it’s so early. And that they’d like to see me back in 10 days for another ultrasound.

An hour and a half after we left – she called with the results of my beta – 3061! With a doubling time of 48 hours .. a perfectly acceptable beta for today would have been 1400. So 3061 is excellent.

I still have no symptoms. The cramping I wrote about the other day has not returned. Now I just have pings and pangs. My boobs are small and not particularly veiny. I don’t feel unusually tired (and it was in large part the lack of symptoms that had me sobbing again last night. That coupled with me taking my temp yesterday evening and it being LOW.) I give up on pregnancy symptoms. The black blob, or rather, sac in my uterus – and today’s big fat beta indicate that I am pregnant – and the pregnancy IS progressing.

So I’ll try to relax. I won’t succeed, but I’ll try.

And I’ll wait for my boobs to get bigger. And for me to feel like barfing.

10 days to the next ultrasound. We may even see a heartbeat. That would be really cool.

Cramps

2008-03-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

The thing about cramping in early pregnancy – is that you don’t really know if it’s “good.” Sure, everyone tells you “it’s normal. I had period-like cramps for days/weeks/months. It’s your hormones. It’s your uterus stretching. You’re doing great!”

And you want so desperately to believe them … these women that have been there and KNOW.

But unlike morning sickness – which everyone equates with a healthy pregnancy for the most part … cramping is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, if it’s a normal pregnancy symptom and you’ve been trying for SO long to get pregnant (and stay pregnant), hey, bring it on! Great! Pregnancy related symptoms – step right up! Happy to see ya! Sit down and stay a while!

But with cramping … which feels EXACTLY like period cramping … there is this nasty little voice that tries to loudly whisper in your ear, “Something is WRONG! That’s why you’re CRAMPING! You are so SCREWED!”

It’s hard not to listen. Especially given that my lower back hurts too. A google search of “lower back pain, early pregnancy” suggests that rising progesterone levels can have something to do with lower back pain in early pregnancy. OK google. If you say so. You better be right. Oh, and a google search on “cramping, early pregnancy” takes you to an article that suggests “cramping might not be a sign of miscarriage.” Oh – it MIGHT not be, you say? Gee thanks. That’s just terrific.

I have no spotting whatsoever. I have no bleeding. My toilet paper remains as white as the driven snow. And so I offer up a fervent prayer.

Please let it stay that way. Please let this be OK. Please let me have this.

I’m home from work today. I just feel crappy. So I’m taking it easy. I don’t want to wish time away … but I wouldn’t mind fast-forwarding just a few weeks. Just to get over this hump.

I have another blood test and a very early ultrasound on Monday. It can’t get here fast enough.

173

2008-03-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

After a horrible morning - much of which was spent with me sobbing so hard I could barely breathe - it turns out my beta today at 15dpiui is 173. That's a great number. But let me back up ...

I peed on my fifth FRER this morning - and it was - lighter. But with each passing day - the line should get darker, right? The more HCG building up in your body, the more in your pee, HPT lines should get darker. Well, turns out that's more theoretical than factual. And I *know* that .. because I've seen other people post that the home tests only show if you're pregnant or not - not HOW pregnant you are, and not to base anything on how dark or not dark the line is.

But everybody does. And so, like everybody, I did too. And so when that faint line came up (and oh it took its time showing up at all) - I lost my mind. Started crying - and couldn't stop. Forced myself to go lay down (it was still very early) and tried to calm down. Then I got up and got ready and went for my blood draw - crying in the car on the way to the clinic. I stopped when I got there because I didn't want people to think I was nuts and also because I knew I was going to run into a new friend who just found out about her pregnancy too (she's a week ahead of me and found out today it's TWINS!!) anyway - I didn't want to be a big downer or burst into tears talking to her in the waiting room. So I held it together .. got my blood drawn .. they said they'd call later - and I got in my car in the parking lot and SOBBED. Hysterically. Like those crazy gulping can't breathe sobs. I was so sure it was over.

Somehow - I pulled myself together and drove home. Took a digital. "Pregnant" popped up pretty fast. I analyzed whether it popped up fast *enough*. Cried some more. Hugged the two onesies I bought over the weekend. I felt so broken.

Just after noon - the clinic called. To tell me I was pregnant (and I could only think, yeah, I know, but HOW PREGNANT?) And then they told me how pregnant. HCG level of 173 pregnant (average for 16dpo is 150 - I'm only 15dpo - so 173 is great.)

I am still calming down. After such an emotional morning - I am wiped out. I am so happy about the 173. Now it just has to stay high - and get higher. They're not bringing me back in for SIX days. Most clinics bring you back after a first beta within 2 - 3 days. But not my clinic. But I'm OK. As long as I'm not spotting or bleeding, I'm OK. (Pity my husband if that happens. That would be BAD even though it can be normal in early pregnancy. I don't care. I don't need the stress. No spotting.)

So I go back Monday for a second beta and an ultrasound to make sure the grain of rice is where it's supposed to be - in my uterus and not stuck in a fallopian tube.

No more home pregnancy tests. I'm done. Cold turkey. I swear.

So, yeah. 173. I can live with that. That works. Deep breaths...

BFP

2008-03-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

Yep. I appear to be - pregnant. Haven't had bloodwork yet ... that's tomorrow. But after a FRER (First Response Early Result pregnancy test) negative on Friday at 11dpiui .. I got an almost too faint to see with the naked eye FRER positive at 12dpiui … another very, very faint but slightly darker positive at 13dpiui and also a digital positive at 13dpiui. Tested again this morning - 14dpiui - another positive. That makes 4 positives. And today's line was ever so slightly darker too. Although none of my lines come close to being "dark". And I know ... a line's a line ... and I always have rolled my eyes at women who post about being nervous about their faint positives. Now I'm one of them. Oops.

DH and I are happy – but feel very guarded. Cautiously optimistic. I didn’t even tell him after the ghostly faint first positive – I waited until I got another one Sunday morning (at 5:15 a.m.)

Here's how I told him: while I was still in the bathroom, right after I tested, I taped a quote bubble to my tummy. I had cut it out and written on in green sharpie marker the night before - and hidden it in the vanity. Here's what it said:

“Hi Daddy! I can’t wait to meet you! I’m due November 24, 2008. PS – Mommy is pregnant!"

Then I grabbed the digital that said “pregnant” and I went into the pitch black bedroom and said:

“J .. I think I have a weird rash on my belly.”

J, “Yeah?”

Me, “Can you turn on the light and look at it?”

J, “OK.” (Turning on light and then reading quote bubble out loud.) “No way!! Really?”

Me, “Really!” kiss kiss kiss! "Look!" (at the digital that said "pregnant".)

And then I reached under the bed and pulled out two little onesies I bought Saturday afternoon (first time I’ve EVER bought something for “my” baby. I wanted to do it as a positive, have faith act after seeing that first ghostly faint positive) and I danced them around the bed. It was SO DORKY .. but it was fun and we laughed. We’re dorks.

But our happiness was guarded - and still is.

I’d like to be able to laugh and shout from the rooftops – but for now – we’re just smiling (but it’s one of those nervous smiles) and hoping for a good beta number on Tuesday. I don’t have any spotting – so we’re taking that as a good sign for us … as our last IUI BFP ended in a chemical and I was already spotting and then flat out bleeding by the time I saw a BFP at 13dpiui. Hopefully this time will continue to be very, very different. I had some definite twinging cramping going on over the weekend – nothing major and really no cramping today – and my boobs look maybe slightly veinier than usual – not much though. So really not much at all in the way of “symptoms.”

If you follow this blog - you know this was our third and final IUI (and our MOST expensive cycle ever. Around 4000 dollars due to much more monitoring than usual.) Moving on to IVF would have been a real financial hardship for us … so if this pregnancy sticks … well hell, this kid is already saving me money!

I have learned so much from this process – but perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned is BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE. Ask questions. Do your own research. Do not just mildly follow everything your RE tells you to do. Yes, you want a doctor you can trust – but remember – they have hundreds and hundreds of other patients. You are the only one who is 100 percent solely concerned with YOU … so trust yourself. Follow your instincts, and trust your gut.

This may sound corny – but I truly feel that I was guided this cycle – “told” when to speak up, and what questions to ask. And I believe it’s why I’m pregnant. And on that note – here is what I did this cycle:

- Per my request – did 2 back to back IUI’s at 12 and 36 hours post trigger – instead of just one at 36 hours
- Per my request – aimed for a goal of four mature follies at time of trigger – with a lead at 19mm or above
- Per my request - added ganirelix during stims to suppress one giant follie I had that had jumped ahead of the others and wanted to ovulate too soon
- Ate pineapple – fresh fruit plus some of the core – every night for five night starting night of second IUI
- Progesterone suppositories – 50mg/once a day starting night of second IUI. Am now up to 100mg/day (per my request.. I’m very request-y with my doctor..)
- Drank Welch’s purple grape juice – not every day but a good bit.
- Drank apple juice with a little wheatgrass powder mixed in pretty much every day during stims and in 2WW. Sometimes I also mix in a little Spirulina (another super green food.)
- Lovenox injections starting 1dpiui (had to “argue” this one too .. many docs don’t like to start patients until after BFP or even heartbeat – I believe due to my two clotting disorders I need the Lovenox sooner and both hemo and RE said OK.)
- Took pnv, foltex, baby aspirin, fish oil capsule & one extra 400 mcg folic supplement every day (have been on this regimen for several months.)
- Acupuncture once/week (have been going for about a year – I definitely think it helped.)
- Rested on table 20 minutes after each IUI – and came home after second IUI and took a one hour nap before going into work that day (and then regretted going to work at all because I was so crampy that day.)
- Oh – and I was completely, completely stressed out the entire cycle – it was emotionally, mentally & financially grueling. So much for “relaxing”!

For now .. I’m taking it one day at a time. I so want to be excited and over the moon – and a little part of me is – but unfortunately that’s one more thing IF robs us of ... our innocence. But it’s OK. For now – I feel very, very lucky and very hopeful.

BFP. Wow.

First beta results tomorrow. I'm hoping for at least a 50. We'll see. I'll post when I know. Fingers crossed.

Fortune Cookie

2008-03-11T15:36:00.000-07:00

As I unwrapped a fortune cookie today - leftover from yesterday's Chinese take-out - I thought to myself, "I hope it says 'You Will Find Out You Are Pregnant Very Soon'." And then I laughed, because my fortune cookies usually say "Wisdom Is In Soul" or something REALLY non-specific like that.

And then I pulled my fortune out and it said:

"Good news of a long-awaited event will arrive soon."

And my eyes welled up with tears.

Please let it be the news I hope it is.

I'm 8dpiui ... hopeful, nervous & scared.

A Little Update

2008-03-05T15:20:00.000-08:00

After IUI's on Sunday and Monday morning - around 9:30am each morning - I started having some SIGNIFICANT cramping, bloating & pressure Monday afternoon beginning around noon. I thought for sure I was headed into OHSS land ... although my E2 Saturday morning before trigger Saturday night was just over 1000 which isn't typically OHSS land ... but I was FEELING it so I was worried. It continued all day .. to the point where a co-worker asked me if I was limping as I walked .. painfully .. down the hall. "Er .. no," I said. "My stomach is bothering me.." It hurt to pee. In that - I had to press on my stomach/pelvic area as I peed .. because it was so crampy.

I got home from work around 8:30pm. I walked up the stairs to my front door and noticed an old newspaper on my front lawn and decided, stupidly, to go pick it up. My front lawn is hilly - and it had been raining all day. (You can see where this is going.) I walked toward the paper ... and then ... SLIP! FALL! SPLAT! In a pile of black mud. I sat there .. stunned .. still feel horribly crampy and wondering if I had just ruptured a ovary. Then I see a friggin' neighbor walking down the street with his two dogs .. staring at me. He had to think I was some weird drunk alcoholic who had just fallen in her front yard .. in the dark .. in the rain .. into a sea of mud.

I couldn't get up. I was so sore and crampy .. I could not get up. The black mud pit was sucking me down. So I grabbed my cell phone and called my husband - who was inside the house. "I fell," I whimpered. "In the front yard. I can't get up. I need you to help me."

He rushed out out the front door and saw me sprawled in the mud. As he walked toward me the neighbor (who was now standing across the street staring at me. I tried to pretend I was gardening.) Anyway - his two dogs started growling at my husband - who was now trying to pick me up and failing as I plopped back into the mud. Finally - he got a good grip and hoisted me up. Although I was half crying - we both started laughing - it was so fucking ridiculous.

He helped me inside. And I actually felt kind of better - who knows? Maybe I popped a swollen ovary back into place.

Anyway - I took it easy for the rest of the night - and by around 10pm was feeling decidedly better. I got to bed around midnight and felt really good when I woke up ... so I can only assume the crazy cramping, pressure and bloating was what it feels like to ovulate four or five eggs at once - including one GIANT one. And if that's the case - it means our IUI timing was great. So I hope that IS what it was. It's a pretty reasonable assumption to think it was. Let's hope. And let's hope I'm pregnant ... with no more than two babies ... We'll see. I'm 2dpiui. It's gonna be a looooooong 2WW.

IUI #3

2008-03-01T10:38:00.001-08:00

OK .. I haven't even been able to blog about this cycle up until now. It's been so stressful - and I have been so frantic - I just couldn't even bring myself to write about what was happening. But now - it's ALMOST over - so I can. I just got the call to trigger tonight at 9:30pm .. and I will have back to back IUI's - the first one on Sunday morning at 9:30am .. the second on Monday morning at 9am.

Basically - today's instructions to trigger come after my 10th dose of follistim (a record for me) - with the 11th hour addition this past Wednesday of ganirelix to suppress one giant egg that REALLY wanted to be liberated from its follicular shell. Yesterday's follie check revealed:
a 23mm (considered out of the picture/not healthy anymore by my RE at this point due to its enormity) a 17, two 14's and an 11.

For those wondering why a 23 is "too big" - it is only because I'm on injectables, during a natural or a clomid only cycle - a 23 would be great. But on injectables, apparently once you get over 22-ish .. it becomes less likely that the egg inside the follicle is still "good".

The bad thing about yesterday was that my E2 dropped ... from 799 on Thursday ... to 681 on Friday morning. I spent all day Friday (and Friday night) scouring the internet to try and figure this out - because RE nurse really had no explanation for me - and what I found is that Ganirelix not only suppresses LH so you don't ovulate on your own - it also suppresses E2. And most RE's will up your stim dose accordingly. My RE actually wanted to decrease my stim dose .. but we did not end up doing that (I'm a cantankerous patient and argue with everything I don't agree with) and actually bumped it up - and as of this morning - my E2 is 1071! So it came right back up. Whew!

Based on yesterday's scan, although I did not have one today (thank God - as this IUI cycle has already been incredibly expensive) ... I'm hoping the 17 has turned into an 18/19 .. and the 14's are around 16. Which means I'm triggering tonight with at least three mature follies - and possibly four. I'm not writing that huge one totally off. There is a chance it's still viable - the chances are just somewhat reduced that it is.

Although last night was my 10th dose which seemed like A LOT to me - I think 7 - 10 nights of stims is average -- so 10 isn't insane - although I am so glad to be DONE. And done with the ganirelix too .. that's kind of a thicker needle - and the liquid is a little irritating once injected. Oh -- and that was another dilemma -- they instructed me to take the ganirelix this morning even though we knew I'd be triggering tonight. I didn't want to because that seemed dumb - why would I take it on trigger day? AND - the package insert says to take it up UNTIL the day of HCG trigger (not up to and INCLUDING day of HCG trigger.) I compromised. And did half an injection at 6am this morning. I told you I'm a bad patient. But I don't care if I start to surge today - I'm triggering tonight anyway and my first IUI is in the morning. So I don't WANT my follies to be suppressed anymore. I need to just let it go and shut up about it though.

We're also setting records with how much this IUI cycle is costing us out of pocket - I estimated $2500 ... it's closer to $4000. Oh my God, even typing that makes me want to faint. It's taking a big, UNEXPECTED bite out of our fertility budget, that's for sure. It's painful to think those dollars might be better directed at IVF. But .. I have to just let that go too. There was no way to know on CD 3 - a week and a half ago Wednesday - that this cycle was going to be so nuts and so expensive. I have never had more than 3 ultrasounds and 3, maybe 4 blood draws in one cycle and this is my FOURTH injectables cycle (third IUI, first injectable cycle was TI.) But it is what it is. I'd like to think I've been put through the wringer on this one - physically, emotionally and financially - because it's going to .... work. We'll see. I feel like we have a shot.

Although I have one more injection tonight - HCG trigger shot ... I'm looking forward to then having a few nights off from injections! But I'll have to start Lovenox early next week - 1dpiui will be Tuesday night. So I guess that's when I'll start.

So that's my story. It's always something. This journey is not for the timid or the faint of heart .. that is for SURE.

Hope all who read this are doing well. I'll keep you posted, of course. And keep me posted on how YOU'RE doing too. :-)

Sometimes a Twinge is Just a Twinge

2008-02-16T09:22:00.000-08:00

BFN at 13dpo. It appears our third and final IUI is on the horizon. And it has to work. Because we can't afford IVF.

In our denial that we'd ever need IVF - we are in the midst of two expensive, much needed renovation projects at our home. So I guess I'm giving birth to a kitchen instead of a baby - for now. But having taken on the expense of these renovations - IVF seems really unattainable right now. But where there's a will (or a low interest credit card) - there's a way - I suppose.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Way ahead. Because our next IUI is going to work. It's going to cost us $2500 out of pocket - ouch - but that's OK because it's going to work. We're mixing it up - we're doing back to back IUI's at 12 and 36 hours post trigger (instead of one at 36 hours post trigger) - we're trying for more, bigger follies before trigger - and it's going to work.

Because it has to.

Stupid fake twinges. :-( Whatever.

Twinges

2008-02-10T16:01:00.000-08:00

My uterus is twingy. And I’ve been at this long enough to know that might mean a whole pile of nothing. But it’s twingy nonetheless. I’m 7dpo – and it’s been twingy since 3dpo. I’ve even had few piercing little pains – nothing awful – just enough to almost make you say “ow” out loud.

You would think – after all this time – I wouldn’t still analyzing 2WW symptoms. ESPECIALLY during a “natural” cycle. But I can’t help it. I guess I still can’t understand why I’m not pregnant yet – so I still think that I CAN get pregnant – even on my own. Because no one has presented with a concrete reason that says “you can’t get pregnant because X, Y, Z – so move on!”

The first RE I saw basically said it was very unlikely based on my history. And that was well over a year ago. She was a cold fish. I bet at this point she’d tell me it’s more likely I might wake up on the moon some morning than get knocked up on my own. But I didn’t like her. Or her dire outlook regarding my situation. So screw her. (And for what it’s worth – at the time I saw her – my husband and I had JUST started having sex again after literally an almost 9 month dry spell. We were having some problems … and on top of that an unexpected and very traumatic death in the family caused a major tear in the fabric of our relationship – I wasn’t sure we were going to make it. But we did. Er, obviously.) My point being – at that time – I didn’t feel it was as dismal a picture as she was painting it to be. However .. in retrospect .. maybe it was. Hmph.

REGARDLESS .... I feel twingy. And that’s that. Oh – and I’m charting this month. Which couldn’t be more bass-ackwards – most people have left charting in the dust by the time they get to where I am in this process. Me – I just started. But only because my acupuncturist wanted me to. I think she just wanted to take a gander at my temps to see if my body was indeed doing what it is supposed to be doing. And based on my temps – it appears that it is. I was very resistant to the idea at first – my sleep schedule is weird – I don’t wake up at the same time everyday (and didn’t feel like having to in order to temp.) But now, I’m kinda into it. It’s interesting to see my temps do. And to track everything. I’m using fertility friend – I wasn’t at first – was just doing everything by hand on a paper chart but then logged onto fertility friend last week and thought “what the hell?” it’s free for a basic membership (although I might pay for a VIP once my free trial VIP membership runs out .. we’ll see. Told you I was strangely into it.)

Of course – I know I’ve had pretty darn accurate timing for the last, oh, year and a half. I bought a clearblue easy fertility monitor in September 2006 – have been using it ever since – and it’s quite accurate as far as predicting your most fertile days. So why I think charting all of a sudden might shed some new light on my predicament .. well, I don’t really. But maybe I kind of do. It’s something new to be fascinated with I guess, at least for now.

And … it sort of looks like maybe I had a really early implantation “dip” at 5dpo. Now see – a month ago I didn’t even know what an implantation dip WAS! I do now!

And – I’m twingy.

How amazingly, ridiculously great would it be if I ended up pregnant this cycle? I could skip what is going to be an EXPENSIVE IUI #3 – and just be pregnant – and be happy forever and ever. HA! ;-) If only life were that simple.

And for my fellow Lovenox’ers – I started back up this past Tuesday night – so 2dpo according to “my chart.” Once again - so far, so good. Only some very small bruises - about the size of a fingertip - at the injection site - and only a couple of those. The rest of the injections have left only a reddish-purplish dot at the injection site. Some stinging/burning as I inject the meds - but I go so slowly I don't really even feel it - if it starts to burn - I slow down even more and just proceed very cautiously and carefully.

One more week to go before I know anything.

Come on twinges. MEAN something this month!

Plugging Another Blog

2008-02-06T14:26:00.000-08:00

I love this blog. The author writes A LOT about recurrent pregnancy loss - check out his older posts and archives. And he takes the time to answer questions too!! Here's the link:

http://www.healthline.com/blogs/pregnancy_childbirth/

It's called "Fruit of the Womb" - and is a great resource as far as infertility and recurrent loss. Check it out if you're interested.

Trying To Believe

2008-02-05T20:22:00.000-08:00

I feel like a bad blogger. I just haven’t had a ton of blogging “energy” lately I suppose.

I am back in the 2WW – after a “natural” TTC go ‘round. I think I ovulated on Sunday (had positive OPK at 4pm on Saturday afternoon … then got a peak on CBEFM Sunday morning.) So I think perhaps sometime Sunday night or the wee hours of Monday morning. We had sex Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night. I guess we covered our bases. I hope so.

Today is Tuesday – 2dpo – (or perhaps 1dpo – you know what, let’s just say 2. Or I’ll confuse myself.) I started Lovenox tonight. I’m very tired right now. Just – everything. Baby stuff … family stuff … infertility stuff … we’re in the midst of a kitchen re-do (there go my IVF dollars … hope I don’t need ‘em for that purpose … because I’m screwed if I do.)

I go to acupuncture once a week. I have been for almost a year. I like it. I still feel like it could “help.” But given that I’m not pregnant yet .. I’m losing some steam. And money. I have no idea how I’m affording it actually. It’s 65 dollars a week – which adds up. But I keep going. It’s like if I quit something that might be helping … I could be jeopardizing my ONE chance … so I keep going. Even the Lovenox tonight – I just felt kind of ridiculous. Like – what am I doing?

A couple of weeks ago my acupuncturist was talking about ways my husband and I can connect more before sex – so our energy is more aligned, that sort of thing.

If she only knew. And there’s only so much I’m willing to share – at some point – it’s just too personal.

Let's just say that for husband - performing on command month after month after month isn't exactly romantic or spiritual.

I read somewhere recently that timed intercourse month after month can be psychologically draining. And it made me feel better. Because I thought, “yes – it can.” We’re trying to make this happen. And we are drained. Infertility is a bitch, it really is. It can wreak havoc on you in so many ways – physically – emotionally – psychologically – financially … it’s just really freakin’ hard. And getting harder – that’s the problem. Most things get EASIER over time .. this gets harder.

So while I love my acupuncturist – even she doesn’t really “get it.” And she works with infertile women all the time. But unless you’ve been there – unless you know what it likes to really, really grapple with this – you have no idea what it’s like. You just have no idea.

I remember when I didn’t. And I thought fertility drugs were weird – and infertile people were sad – and why didn’t they “just adopt?”

If nothing else – I’ve learned a lot. And I hope I’ve become more compassionate. And more aware that you can’t put people and their relationships into some mold and expect it to fit. Every couple has their own way of dealing with hard stuff. My husband and I are hanging on. We keep believing. Mostly.

So here I am in the 2WW. Some part of me is optimistic. Another part of me can’t imagine it ever really happening. And that makes me afraid – aren’t you supposed to “envision” yourself pregnant – power of positive thinking – “The Secret” – that type of thing? So I try. I will try to be positive. I will try to imagine myself pregnant and healthy. I will try to believe.

And for anyone who is reading this and hurting – I hurt for you too. Melisha and anyone else who is dealing with something really tough right now. I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry any of us have to go through this.

Try to keep believing – and I will too.

Note to my RE ...

2008-01-23T14:04:00.000-08:00

So here is a copy of the e-mail I sent to my RE's assistant. She is a physician's assistant - meaning she has prescription writing power. She also does some in-office procedures - she did my S-HSG (saline uterine ultrasound) and did a great job (at least, I thought she did. It was painless. So to me that equals great job!) Recently - after I called and left a message letting her know I had a few things I wanted to communicate to her and to my RE - she gave me her e-mail address. So -- this is what I sent off to her in regard to my next IUI cycle:

Hi A - thanks for getting back to me!

So - I am taking a short break from meds right now, and we're trying on our own. If nothing exciting happens - I will be ready to begin another IUI cycle in about 3 weeks. For that IUI cycle - here's what I'd like to run by you and Dr. W:

I'd like to try and get to trigger day with 3 or even 4 mature follicles. I understand the risks - but at age 36 (soon to be 37) and with so many failures behind me - I think we need a few more targets to try to achieve success. I'd also like to try to get to a point where one or more of my mature follicles is around 19mm on trigger day. Also - it seems I respond pretty darn fast to stims. Would starting me off on a lower dose of follistim - and then increasing as needed - be something worth trying? Rather than starting off higher and decreasing? I will of course let you guys guide me on that! Just throwing it out there.

Another concern I want to bring up - as I was stimming for my most recent IUI - I felt the effects rather quickly (bloating - and ovaries feeling quite swollen.) However - I woke up on the day of trigger and felt - nothing. No bloating - ovaries no longer felt swollen - nada! Now, that was New Year's Day so I had no bloodwork or ultrasound day of trigger. But I had some concern that I either a) ovulated early or b) my follicles just pooped out. Now - it may not have been anything - but I just wanted to make you guys aware that had happened.

Finally - I would like to try back to back IUI's this time - rather than just one at 36 hours post trigger. I'd like to do those back to back IUI's at 12 hours post trigger - and 36 hours post trigger. I understand that back to backs are sometimes done at 24 and 48 hours past trigger - but I'd rather try the 12 and 36 approach if Dr. W. is open to that.

Again ... I won't be back in action for about 3 weeks. Just let me know once you've had a chance to talk over my thoughts with Dr. W. - and we can go from there. MUCH appreciated!!

*****

Haven't heard back yet ... but didn't really expect to. I'm assuming she'll talk my issues over with my doctor at some point in the next week or so (especially since I indicated we have a three week lag time before next IUI cycle begins..) - and hopefully she'll get back to me with some good news. We'll see...

Oh. It just struck me that there is one more thing I wanted to mention to them. The fact that the last three times I've been on injectables - I've started spotting at exactly 2 weeks after my trigger shot. Hm. I think I'll dash off another brief e-mail. What the heck, might as well lay it all out there.

God, it would be great if I ended up pregnant on my own this cycle. Beyond great.

I'm tired of all of this crap. But I'm not ready to let it go - not by a long shot. The thought of never being pregnant (successfully, healthfully pregnant) strikes more fear and anxiety into my heart than almost anything else I can think of. That would be really, really horrible.

BFN at 12dpiui ...

2008-01-15T17:15:00.000-08:00

... and I'm starting to spot. It's not looking good friends.

I'll take one more test tonight - maybe one more in the morning (just to make sure - given that last time this happened I was pregnant - for like - a minute.) But I'll cover my bases and then I'm calling it a day. I have already grieved. I am very tired and sad. I don't understand why this is so hard for so many of us. Talk about life not being fair.

I am formulating a new plan for my next IUI (#3.) Here's what I'm thinking:

First - I'm going to take a month off. I'll still get acupuncture and we'll try on our own. But I'm not doing a medicated cycle again right away. I am actually of the mind that your body needs a break in between injectable cycles. I know I need one - mentally and physically. I am gross right now - bloated and have zits on my forehead from all the junk I've been either a) injecting or b) shoving up my hoo ha. So I need a break.

During my break - I will contact my RE's assistant (because he's impossible to get in touch with) and will relay this information to her regarding my next cycle:

Basically - I want a chance for more follies and bigger follies (I feel like one at 18mm and one at 16mm is not cutting it. I'm 36 - I'm old with old eggs! I need more targets!)

I want bloodwork OR an ultrasound morning before trigger - so we know I haven't a) already ovulated or b) lost all my follies - which is what I felt like happened this time. Morning of trigger - all my bloat - and "ovaries feel like grapefruits" side effects were suddenly ... gone. It just didn't feel right - at all. But I was seen day before .. not day of trigger (it was New Year's Day - one of the two days of the year they are not open.) That's not typical of my RE's office - the only reason I wasn't seen on trigger day was the holiday. But I'll make sure I am seen for b/w, u/s or both on day of trigger this time.

I'm also thinking I want two IUI's. Why not go for broke, right (literally.) It will be more expensive - but only by a few hundred bucks. I want a 12 hour post trigger IUI and a 36 hour post trigger IUI though ... not a 24 and a 48 (I don't think there's anything still happening with my follies after 48 hours.)

And finally, I want to see if they can slow me down at all - I respond SO fast - too fast, I think. So maybe we can try starting me off with a lower dose and INCREASING as needed rather than decreasing as needed.

This is where I am today. Hopes totally dashed for now. But formulating a "plan" makes me feel hopeful that next time might go better.

We cannot afford IVF. I'm not saying we won't go there ... I'm just saying we can't afford to. And while a failed IUI is bad enough - the thought of a failed IVF takes my breath away - for those (like me) paying out of pocket - the thought of losing all that money. Unthinkable.

But we're not there yet. IUI "worked" for me once, even though it ended badly - I have to continue hoping it will work again. Just not this time, I guess.

10dpiui ....

2008-01-13T11:41:00.000-08:00

The last days of the 2ww. The end is near - and while I desperately want to the know the outcome of this IUI cycle … I really only want to know if it’s POSITIVE. If not, I’d rather stay blissfully ignorant – which is of course impossible – because, well, you can’t stop time. And even if you could – doing so would prevent me from finding out if it worked, right?

I want it to have worked so badly. So badly that just writing this sentence makes my eyes well up. But I don’t know, I just don’t know. And I can’t stop obsessing about how I felt right before my trigger shot .

Basically - I felt fine. After having felt very swollen and sore ovary-wise in the days leading up to trigger shot – on day of trigger shot – I woke up feeling – fine. Which scares the shit out of me. WHY did I feel fine? Why weren’t my ovaries even more sore (I had my last stim dose the night before.) Did I ovulate early? I didn’t feel like I did .. but maybe I did. Did my two nicely maturing follies just crap out? I was on a gradually reducing dose of stims (follistim) but I didn’t coast at all – so I shouldn’t have crashed – but did I?

Or was it just because I drank a lot of water the night before – and that cleared some of the bloat? I really want to think it was as innocent as that – but I am so scared.

And at this point – some of my fear is financially driven. I found out on Friday that due to an insurance issue – any future IUI’s will be a lot more expensive … close to 1600 dollars more expensive. So we’ll be looking at paying upward of 2000 dollars rather than 400 dollars per medicated IUI cycle.

I’d love to think that was a “sign” of sorts – a “you’re done” because now it’s going to get more expensive – but that won’t affect you since you’re done and already pregnant. I said as much to the woman from the billing office who called me to break the news … and she agreed and wished me well. But who knows? People spend so much on infertility treatments – taking out loans, putting it on credit – it’s one of those instances where you regret every asinine financial decision you’ve ever made – and you realize WHY it was a bad idea to rack up all that credit card debt in your 20’s (and, OK, maybe a little more in your early 30’s…)

I’ll test Tuesday morning. If I can hold out until then. I may not make it past Monday morning. But Tuesday will be 12dpiui and I have a better chance of getting an accurate result then.

I feel like it HAS to have worked. But who knows? IUI’s fail all the time – if they didn’t – no one would ever move on to IVF unless they had blocked tubes or something like that.

Ech. I’m giving myself a headache.

A quick hello to my new visitors! I am enjoying your comments and the opportunity to talk with you and share information. Keep hanging out – I really enjoy the company!

In the meantime … good luck and good care to all. In my next post I’ll write about how I recently fired the peri/MFM who told me not to take Lovenox and who described my early losses as a ‘whiff’ of pregnancy. Next time. See you then!

Oh - and I had another IUI...

2008-01-06T16:13:00.000-08:00

Sheesh, what kind of infertility blogger am I? I haven’t even written about IUI #2! So – it went down this past Thursday morning – January 3, 2008. That puts me at 3dpiui today. I was on follistim for 6 nights – 150IU for 2 nights .. 100IU for 2 nights .. and 75IU for 2 nights. Thereabouts. I felt a lot of heaviness and fullness in my ovaries after the first 3 days … and then it sort of … tapered off. Which was very troubling to me. I am worried the increasingly lower dose caused my follies to poop out or something.

Because I triggered on New Year’s Day – one of two days out of the entire year that my RE’s office is closed – I did not have b/w or an u/s on day of trigger – but I was there the day before – New Year’s Eve – and had a nice 16mm and a 14mm that morning along with a respectable E2 level that I can't recall right now. One assumes – since follies grow about 2mm a day – that I had an 18mm and a 16mm at trigger. (Unless of course – all of my follies pooped out. Which is unlikely. But I am still irrationally scared that it happened.)

Anyway – I’m perfectly happy with an 18 and a 16. It was my goal to have an 18 in the lead and hopefully – that WAS the case at time of trigger. I triggered with 10,000 IU of HCG on New Year’s Day – and had one IUI 36 hours later. The IUI itself went without a hitch – was painless and quick. I had J in the room with me … for my first IUI I didn’t … but for this one I figured – he should at least be in the room at the time of possible conception, so he came in and held my hand. It was nice.

I started 50mg progesterone suppositories the morning after the IUI (was supposed to start the night of the day that I had the IUI but oh well. I started the morning after. It won’t make any difference. I’m on one suppository/day.) I started my Lovenox 2dpiui … and I continue to take my daily regimen of: baby aspirin, prenatal, foltex, fish oil, pomegranate capsules and an extra OTC B supplement (because I don’t think my hemo has me on quite enough so I’m supplementing. I’ll pee out what I don’t need so am not worried about it. I’m kind of a rebellious patient actually. Oh well. I can’t help it. I’m smart and I question things and I make some of my own decisions. I am definitely not one of those patients who totally trusts her doctor. Just not in my nature.)

So now … we wait. More waiting. Hey – wasn’t that the theme of this blog’s first couple of posts? Ah, infertility. It’s really all about the wait. Unfortunately – I’m getting impatient… Oh well. Too bad for me. Sigh.

First Lovenox Injection - Down the Hatch! (So to speak)

2008-01-05T14:38:00.000-08:00

Well, I just did my first Lovenox injection. And even though I'm an old pro when it comes to injecting stims .... I was SKEERED to inject the Lovenox after hearing reports of acid like stinging and burning. But I must be acidic too - because I really didn't have much of a reaction.

I put an ice pack on the injection site - just for a minute or so so I was a little numb - and then got impatient so just said screw it - I'm doing it. Popped off the cap - swabbed myself with an alcohol pad - and stuck it in! Needle seems to be a hair thicker than follistim pen - it didn't slide right in like follistim needle does. But it's still a tiny needle so with a little extra shove it was in. And then I EVER SO SLOWLY pushed the plunger (apparently that's key with Lovenox - inject it sloooooowly. So I did.) Finally got it all in there - waited 5 seconds - slowly pulled needle out - swabbed with a little more alcohol and then put the ice pack back on for a few seconds.

And that seems to be that! I barely felt a thing! Gawd, I hope that continues and I turn out to be one of those people who just isn't sensitive to it - it seems like so many people are ... maybe I'm one of the lucky ones!

Glad that's done. Now let's hope it helps my cause - getting, and staying, pregnant!

Happy Friggin' New Year

2007-12-31T09:28:00.000-08:00

Well, OK, it’s New Year’s Eve – but given that I haven’t blogged since early December – I better say Happy New Year today – because I might not be back until Spring. Who knows?

Currently – the biggest dilemma in my TTC journey is: WHEN TO START THE FRIGGIN’ LOVENOX?

So far … hematologist says 1 day after IUI is OK – but she’d prefer I start later. (I actually have a call in to her now to clarify.) RE would also prefer I wait until I get a BFP – but will go along with me starting earlier since hemo said it was OK. MFM (or is it MFS? I can’t figure out exactly what perinatologists are called these day) anyway – she said “don’t start at all” when it comes to Lovenox but she annoyed me so I’m not listening to her – and will seek out a different MFM when and if the time comes.

(She annoyed me because she referred to my chemical pregnancies as a “whiff” of pregnancy. Now – I know what she meant. And I am actually not emotionally torn up over my chemical pregnancies. But some people are and she has no way of knowing which type of person I am. Regardless – I don’t appreciate having any of my miscarriages referred to as “whiffs”.)

OK …just heard back from hemo’s office. She recommends I start Lovenox within one week of insemination. Okey-dokey.

I am so on the fence about this. Not about WHETHER to take Lovenox – only about WHEN. I don’t want to start it too soon – for fear of impeding implantation by having my blood be too thin. Nor do I want to start it too late – for fear of impeding implantation by having my blood be too thick. And no one has an exact answer for me – apparently because it’s not an exact science – and really -- the doctors just … aren’t … sure. So if THEY’RE not sure – well, I’m REALLY not sure.

There is a camp that says someone like me should start lovenox on CD 6 – quite early in one’s cycle. And I get where they’re coming from too … start it early – while endometrium is being laid down – so it’s not a big clotty mess that tiny embryo can’t snuggle into. But those who say to start later – well, I get where they’re coming from too. I have visions of a little embryo just sliding right off because he can’t burrow in because the blood is too thin and he just slides away.

I have a lot of visions, don’t I?

The thing is – before my last chemical pregnancy – I had a uterine septum removed. That septum could have caused my first two losses, indeed, that seemed to be the ANSWER at the time. Then I had the post-septum chemical pregnancy – which almost went unnoticed as my RE’s office wasn’t even going to test me for pregnancy (long story .. less recent blog entry ..)

But after the chemical pregnancy that happened after the septum removal – RE decided to run RPL panel on me and low and behold – I turn out to have homozygous MTHFR (looks like MotherFucker, doesn’t it?) C677T and heterozygous Factor V Freakin’ Leiden.

And then that seemed to be the ANSWER and I was all ready to get my Lovenox and get rockin’ and then I started reading and then I solicited 19 different opinions (well, not really, but I’m exaggerating to make a point) from 19 different doctors and read study after study and now … I’m still not sure when to start the friggin’ Lovenox.

I have no definitive answer. I am so scared to mess this up. I just want to get pregnant – and stay pregnant.

I guess I’ll start the Lovenox a week or so after my IUI. And don’t even get me started on the baby aspirin (I’m on it. Even though hemo said I don’t need to be. Everything else I’ve read suggests otherwise. Basically – I’m picking and choosing my advice – and going with my gut. But my gut isn’t so sure right now.) I'm on foltex too. And a prenatal (hemo said I don't need that anymore either. Um, yeah, I think I'll keep taking it, thanks though.)

Maybe I should just pray. Seems like as good an idea as any of these other ideas.

Oh, and Happy Friggin’ New Year. I hope 2008 is better for both of us.

And now I'm freaking out ...

2007-12-14T20:20:00.000-08:00

OK, I'm not really freaking out ... but I was. Sort of. After I got my diagnosis and was feeling all warm and fuzzy and thinking the internet saved my baby ... I started doing research. And my heart just sank. Apparently … although treatable … the blood clotting disorders I have are:

a) misunderstood
b) very, very serious
c) known to cause miscarriage, terrible pregnancy complications and even fetal death
d) all of the above

Unfortunately … the answer is … d. Now … I know, you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. But I’ve hooked up with some very knowledgeable … very intelligent yahoo internet groups – a Factor V Leiden group and a Reproductive Immunology group. And what I’ve gleaned is this:

1) These disorders are nothing to mess around with.
2) Doctors disagree about the seriousness of these disorders – and the best treatment for these disorders.
3) You need to be your own advocate (hmm .. sounds familiar …) to get the best treatment for these disorders.
4) I am never going to have the uncomplicated pregnancy I’ve dreamed about for so long.

Now … you may ask yourself – wasn’t number 4 out the window a long time ago – given all of the infertility crap you’ve been dealing with for well over a year now? Well .. no. I still thought I’d get pregnant – and have a healthy, normal pregnancy – and deliver my baby with the help of midwives (in a hospital setting .. not at home. I’m not that crunchy. My sisters are. They have babies at home. I’m a little more conservative on that front.)

But now – all of that really is out the window. I’ve read some very sad things about women who have the exact same blood clotting disorders as me: heterozygous Factor V Leiden and Homozygous MTHFR C677T. Late second trimester losses … and even stillbirths as late as 38 weeks. Placentas full of clots .. and other really sad, sobering stories. Now … on the bright side (yes, there is a bright side) – these stories were about women who did not know they had these disorders until it was too late. They were not being treated. I will be treated once I get pregnant … if I get pregnant. That doesn't make my risk zero. But it should lessen my risk considerably.

I saw the hematologist my RE referred me to this past week. She was … nice. But wildly unimpressive. I felt like I knew more about the recommended treatments for my disorders than she did. And that makes me nervous about my RE … why did he send me to a hematologist whose specialty is cancer? (And I know many hemo’s specialize in cancer. But I want one who specializes in pregnant people. Or, to be more correct at this point, one who specializes in infertile, recurrent miscarriage people.)

I’m learning those kind of “specialists” are few and far between. I’m learning that the late Dr. Alan Beer devoted his life to the study of blood clotting disorders and reproductive immunology – but unfortunately – too few doctors are aware of his work and his research. I’m learning that I can’t just listen to what doctors say – without questioning their information. Or doing what’s right for me.

The hematologist told me I’d require NO special care once pregnant – even though I’d be on a blood thinner called Lovenox. Oh - and have these disorders known to cause FETAL DEATH. That flies in the face of what I’m learning in my yahoo groups and elsewhere as far as these disorders. I’ve already called and scheduled appointments with two different high risk group – maternal fetal medicine specialists (perinatologists.) And guess what? The receptionists at either office didn’t blink an eye when I said I wanted to have a pre-pregnancy consultation due to having been recently diagnosed with blood clotting disorders. They took my information – including the name of my disorders (which they were familiar with) – and thought it was very appropriate that I was seeking a consultation with a high risk doctor. Score: hematologist = 0, me = 1.

I’m sure I’d fight like a lioness if I had a baby and his or her health was threatened. Well, I’m fighting to try and make sure that he or she gets a chance to exist.

And freaking out in the meantime. But only a little. Except the moments where I'm freaking out a lot.

The Internet Saved My Baby

2007-12-07T12:39:00.000-08:00

Sounds like something that should be on the cover of a tabloid magazine, right? Well in my case .. it may very well be true. Although I should clarify - the baby I'm referring to doesn't exist yet. But he/she might never exist if not for the gentle urging of a group of very informed women on the Trouble TTC board I frequent.

Here's how the internet saved my future baby:

In late October 2007 - I started bleeding the same day I got a BFP. It was a Friday - my RE's office said they couldn't bring me in for a beta until Monday. The same nurse who said they couldn't bring me in for a BFP also suggested the positive I was seeing could just be traces of the trigger shot I had 15 days earlier. Which made me really angry. Most 10,000IU HCG trigger shots are "out" within 10 days. Anyway - I had tested three times earlier in the week - all negative. It WASN'T the trigger.

At the urging of the women on my T-TTC board - I went to a walk-in medi-clinic that day and got a blood test. The result was a positive HCG of 32.1. I kept bleeding and by Monday the results of another beta were negative. It was an early m/c. I wouldn't have been sure of that (nor would my RE) if this board had not urged me to go get the blood test (the results of which were faxed to my RE.)

On that same Monday, after my negative beta the nurse at my RE's office said if it happened again - my RE might want to do further testing - but not now. That didn't sound right to me. Again? No thank you. I've had two other miscarriages in my lifetime (and TOLD her that) - this most recent chemical pregnancy was #3. So - I called the appointment desk folks and made an appointment with my RE. When I saw him - three weeks later - he agreed with me that this was not a good sign - and ordered RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) bloodwork. While I was glad he ordered the bloodwork .. I felt sure that everything would come back "normal". I had it in my head that my three losses were coincidences or bad luck. One of them, at age 28, was "unconfirmed" - I had a positive pregnancy test after being 11 days late - started bleeding a few days later - went to the hospital where the blood test that gave me = negative. For years I thought it was a "false" positive - until I learned about chemical pregnancies. My first miscarriage happened when I was a scared teenager at approximately 10 weeks gestation. Because they were so spread apart - and because I was the one "pushing" for additional testing - I thought the results would be normal. Surely - if something was possibly wrong - the nurse and the doctor would have been adamant about me getting tested right away ... right?

Well - I got some of those results back today.

It appears I have two .. not one .. but TWO blood clotting disorders that are linked to recurrent pregnancy loss (hence - the reason they are included on a recurrent pregnancy loss panel of tests!) The disorders are Factor V Leiden and MTHFR. I tested positive for one copy of the the R506Q (Factor V Leiden) mutation in the Factor V gene. I tested positive for two copies of the C677T gene mutation as far as the MTHFR. I don't know a lot about these disorders yet ... but I will by the end of the weekend, let me assure you!

My RE is sending me to see a hematologist next week. I'll know more about specific treatment after that. Right now - I know daily baby aspirin, LOTS of folic acid, and an injectable drug called Lovenox are probably in my future. My near future.

The good news is - I also had a sono-hysterogram today and it went fine - my uterus is in great shape - no trace of the septum that was removed last March. That was a big relief. I was worried that perhaps there was some unknown complication left over from the surgery.

But the clotting disorders ... that really caught me off guard. In addition to pregnancy loss - there are other associated problems and bad pregnancy outcomes (preeclampsia, stillbirth - a host of issues.)

If I hadn't pushed, if I hadn't spoken up - chances are, if I got pregnant again - I would have had a fourth miscarriage. Because the women on my internet TTTC board pushed me to get tested - I can now get treated - and if I am able to get pregnant again - I should have a much better chance of STAYING pregnant too.

If you have ever wondered if you should speak up, or get a second opinion, or ask questions - I hope my story inspires you to do so. That - coupled with the fact that it wasn't until I sought a second opinion (from my current RE) I wouldn't have had a laparoscopy during which mild endometriosis was discovered, nor would I have had the hysteroscopy during which my uterine septum was discovered and removed. My first RE would've just put me on clomid (a drug that my current RE, the second opinion guy, thinks would have been very bad for me.)

So .. yeah .. thanks to the girls who insisted I go get a blood test on the day I tested positive at home - and who urged me to get further testing after chemical pregnancy was confirmed - I have a better chance of STAYING pregnant and delivering a healthy baby - if we can get me pregnant again.

I feel like that WILL happen. I hope I am right.

You always hear you have to be your own advocate when it comes to your health - and it seems like just one of those things you always hear. But ... it's true. Who says you can't believe anything you read on the internet? You can believe my story. I wouldn't have pushed - if the girls on the internet hadn't pushed me. So -- they really may have saved my baby.

Speak up for yourself ladies (and gentlemen.) I'm glad I did.

Hangin' on to Hope

2007-11-29T14:02:00.000-08:00

Well, I did finally get the RPL bloodwork done. Went to the hospital lab on Tuesday - and was in and out very quickly. So far, every blood draw I've had at this hospital - whether it be as part of an injectables cycle work-up - or the RPL panel I had yesterday - has been virtually painless. I can appreciate this - because when I had blood drawn last month at one of those walk-in medical clinics (on the day I was miscarrying) - the nurse who drew my blood was HORRIBLE. And I'm easy - good veins, blood flows fast - but she stuck me twice in one arm - then jiggled the needle around for a while - couldn't get it - and then stuck me in the other arm and I think she literally leaned on the needle for a minute or so. Horrid. But the phlebotomists at the womens hospital I go to - fabulous. Thank God for small favors, right?

So I got my eight vials of blood drawn (I thought it would be more - have heard others tell tales of having as many as 17 vials of blood drawn during an RPL panel - but it was only 8) and next week - also as part of the RPL work-up - I will have a sono-hysterogram (saline ultrasound.) I'm kind of glad to be having this - because I didn't have any kind of follow-up look at my uterus after my surgery and who knows? At least we'll know now whether it healed correctly. I am optimistic that it did, and now we'll know for sure. And then - we can move on. Oh .. and the good news is (at least, I think it's good news) .. I'm having the S-HSG before I ovulate - not after as I was originally told. The physician's assistant who told me that was wrong. So ... we can try on our own this cycle. Against doctor's orders (well, not "orders" per se .. advice, perhaps) - he'd rather we not TTC again until we go over the results of the RPL panel. But I can't not try this month if I have the opportunity to do so. Which is probably really neurotic. And potentially a bad idea - what if the RPL panel shows there is a problem, right? But in my mind I'm justifying it by telling myself if we do find a blood clotting disorder - I can start baby aspirin during last week of 2WW. Or I can start it before then on my own ... I'm a bad patient. I don't know - it's going to be Christmas next month - and I want to try for a Christmas BFP. It's so unlikely it would work anyway ... it sure hasn't yet (at least not with DH) without the help of an IUI ... so ... we'll see.

And if at the end of December we get another BFN ... well, hopefully the information we glean from the results of my RPL panel will allow us to move on to another medicated cycle - and another IUI - in early '08.

I am still very hopeful that we will get pregnant soon. I don't know if that's naive ... or optimistic ... or denial. But today .. it is my truth. I don't want to lose hope. I can't imagine how sad that would feel. So I'm hanging on to it ... because for now ... hope is all I have.

More Waiting ...

2007-11-26T12:44:00.000-08:00

So today I spent a good chunk of the afternoon at a local Quest lab ... waiting to get bloodwork for my RPL panel. Unfortunately, once they took me back, they realized they weren't able to do every test that my RE wants me to have as part of the panel. Sooo... rather than have some bloodwork done there and then some done elsewhere ... I opted not to have any blood drawn today and instead will try again tomorrow! I'll go to the lab located at the same hospital where my fertility clinic is located. And because it's on a walk-in basis (no appointments) - I'll wait some more.

It really is the resounding theme in my life these days. Waiting. I'm tired of waiting. Which is whiny, but it's true. I've been waiting all my life to be in a situation where I could try to have a baby. Once I was finally in that position .. I waited to get pregnant. When that didn't happen ... I waited to get an appointment with an RE. When that didn't work out - I saw another RE (didn't wait for that one though .. he had a cancellation and I got in ONE day after I called. Hey .. every rule has to have at least one exception.) With my "new" RE - I had more tests ... then a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy ... then tried on our own again for a while .. more waiting .. FINALLY ... we got going with our first IUI ... only to have it result in an early miscarriage. And now, because of the testing we have to undergo ... we'll wait some more. And I feel like I'm getting older - and it's scary. I hope my great hormone levels stay where they are. I'll be 37 in May...

Infertility really is all about waiting. And I'm not a good "wait-er" (nor am I a good waitress .. but that's a story for another day - or another blog.) I am a do-er, I am action girl, when there's a crisis - you want ME on your team because I will leap into action and get problems SOLVED.

But for all of my leaping .. I can't get this one solved very fast. So little of it is in my control. I can make appointments, and make calls, and get tests ... but I can't seem to get pregnant and stay that way. And I'm really sad about that today. I am struggling today to accept that this is the deal ... and I can't really do anything more than I am doing now. I'm especially maudlin as today is CD 1 - and I'm crampy - and I'm facing a bleak month of no trying on our own (which seems more and more pointless anyway) and waiting to find out the results of RPL panel. Oh - and waiting to have yet another invasive test - so that we can all learn even MORE about the size, shape and interior of my uterus.

There is a part of me though - the practical part - that says "well at least you'll know EVERYTHING if you do end up doing IVF down the road." We'll have genetic info, chromosomal info (is that the same thing?) - we'll know it all! But for everything I now know about my body .. still - the only thing I can do right now - is wait. And I hate it. Which may be immature of me - but it's how I feel. I'm so tired of all of it.

Ah well. Tomorrow is another day - and hopefully - after tomorrow - I won't be waiting to get bloodwork for my RPL panel done - hopefully, by tomorrow, I can check THAT off the list. At least then I'll feel like I got something "done".

First Post

2007-11-25T12:22:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess I am now officially entering the ranks of women struggling with infertility and blogging about it. As of this past week - our diagnosis is no longer just "infertility" - but is now infertility with recurrent pregnancy loss to boot. This week - I will get something like 19 tubes of blood drawn as part of the RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) panel my RE has ordered for me. J needs to get blood drawn too so they can check out his chromosomes as well. Then, later this month, I'll have a sono-hysterogram - a test that involves filling up my uterus with saline - and then taking pictures of it. They want to make sure nothing got "left behind" during my surgery to remove a uterine septum last March. (I assume they're talking about a piece of the septum - and not like, a pair of surgical scissors or a few cotton balls. Cripes!)

So - now we can't even TTC on our own this month. Because the S-HSG has to take place toward the end of my cycle - and they want to make sure you're not pregnant when they do the test. Ha! As if. What an absolute bummer.

For a while, getting all these tests was sort of interesting. Dramatic. Now - it's just tiresome. I'm tired of being tested. I'm tired of wondering what's wrong. Part of me (the crazy, in denial part of me, I guess) still thinks this is all a big mistake - a bizarre coincidence - and in fact, nothing is wrong and I'll get pregnant (and stay pregnant) on my own very soon.

How ironic that I can't wait to start sticking myself with needles again. But having gotten pregnant with injectables/IUI on the first try - even though it ended in a chemical pregnancy - well, it worked, sort of - and I feel like it will work again. But first - more tests ... more waiting ... and then hopefully - some answers, and some resolution. And then maybe ... a baby.