13 weeks 2 days...

OK ... where was I? Oh yes - the NT scan. It went great. We got to the hospital where we were having it done at 9:45am (wait - actually we were late. J and I got in a big fight about seriously, I don't even know what - totally stress induced - and that put us a few minutes behind schedule...) OK - so, 9:48am .. we got to the hospital and made our way up to the OB/Ultrasound "wing" - and signed in. And yes, I was nervous. Very. Not having seen the baby since 6w2d - I was so scared of finding out we'd had a missed miscarriage (basically a miscarriage where the fetus dies and you don't have any signs of that so don't know.) The risk of a missed miscarriage is extremely low, by the way. For any newly pregnant people who might be reading this - don't be a spaz like me! It is MUCH more common that if something is wrong - you know it!

OK - but that was a huge fear of mine. So anyway - we sat in the waiting room for a while - and then a genetic counselor came to get us. She had a really nice student with her too .. they took us in an office and sat down with us to talk genetic risks and possibilites. I had thought this part was going to be a big downer and had warned J accordingly .. I didn't want him getting all freaked out (as he has a tendency to do) over "possibilities". But the genetics person and the student were actually very cool - both very nice, low key, nothing was said that was alarming. Just some matter of fact information about where my age put us as far as risk of Down's Syndrome and some other chromosomal disorder they would be screening for (Trisomy 18? I think. I should know that. But I forget.) Based on my age our risk was 1 in 110 for Down's.

After we talked about those issues - they took a history from both me and J .. wanting to know about any physical problems in our immediate families - that type of thing. And that was it. It was an easy conversation. Then - finally - it was time for the ultrasound. We got a really nice tech - a young woman named Renee. You could just tell she was warm and friendly right off the bat. As soon as I got in the room I told her that while I knew I was supposed to have a "full" bladder - mine was more on the level of painful as I'd been drinking a big bottle of water during the genetic consult. She told me to try and let some out - so I did - not sure if that helped or made it worse actually.

Then - I hopped up on the table - J was with me - and she squeezed a big glob on goo on my tummy (warmed up goo! Which I thought was very cool of them.) My first external ultrasound too - just like a "real" pregnant lady! And then ... the moment of truth ... ultrasound thingy went on my tummy and ... IMMEDIATELY ... there was the very much alive baby ... heart beating away at 175bpm (which I thought was a little fast but Renee said it was normal and looked great.) I couldn't believe it. Once again .. my baby. And it looked a lot more like a baby too! And it was -- moving!!! And jumping! Like a crazy little bean. Tears sprung into my eyes and I started giggling uncontrollably too (which made the u/s thing bounce right off of me but I couldn't help it.) I reached for J's hand and we held hands tightly - it was so amazing (er, seeing the baby. Not holding hands. We've done that before.)

Since baby was jumping around so much Renee had a little trouble getting the measurements she needed but eventually she did succeed. Baby's little neck looked great (that's one of things they're looking for as far as the down's screening) .. everything was measuring perfectly. I think we measured 2 days ahead actually - I was exactly 12 weeks that day and we measured 12w2d.

We briefly met with one of the perinatologists after the u/s (he was a little weird .. I'm hoping I get the other peri when we go in for another u/s on June 30 but we'll see..) and then it was time for bloodwork. Went to the lab ... got stuck ... and we were done. John headed to work .. and I headed home .. and then back out - for another appointment - my 12 week check-up at the Midwife Center. While there .. midwife COULDN'T find the heartbeat on doppler! It was the first time anybody had tried on a doppler though - and I was good - I didn't freak out but it was a total bummer after such a great morning. I knew everything was OK ... but still. So I scheduled a doppler re-check for the following week and actually just went to that yesterday - and she found the heartbeat no problem. Approximately 150bpm so slower than last week at the NT scan but the baby is a lot bigger this week and everybody says heartbeat fluctuates so ... I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like this can and WILL have a good outcome.

I'm still worried about the clotting disorders and what impact they could have on the rest of the pregnancy. But so far .. the Lovenox and baby aspirin and foltex seem to be having the exact effect we want them to have. The pregnancy is going well.

I'll have another perinatal (high risk) consult - really my first "big" consult - on June 30 - same day we do the level 2 ultrasound. (Oh - we'll also find out the sex that day too, provided baby cooperates. But NT scan tech did take an early guess ... she was learning toward BOY! So we'll see if she was right in 6 weeks..)

Anyway - I have a list of questions for the peri about how the later half of my pregnancy will be monitored. I'll dig 'em up and post 'em here eventually. But again .. so far .. so good. I feel like I am officially pregnant. I've told my co-workers (did so last week the day after the NT scan.) I'm not hiding my way too big for only being 3 months pregnant bump anymore (I'm proud of that bump! I worked hard for it!!)

I feel like things can turn out OK. I love my baby. I can't wait to meet my baby. And I believe that I will. That's right, I said it! I've been so cautious and "superstitious" - I just want to let myself be happy. It's hard .. but I'm trying. It's worth it.

(Oh - duh. Quick update - the bloodwork all came back "negative" so as far as the NT screening - we were not found to have any increased risk for down's. yay!)

NT Scan

Went great. More later! :-)

(Update .. just for fun .. my first "baby")

Like sands through the hourglass...

I got nothin' really. Time has officially come to a standstill. Or so it would seem. I am just biding my time until May 12 - my birthday, and day of our NT scan. I need two things to happen on that day. 1) I need confirmation that baby is still alive and growing and healthy. 2) I need to NOT be told that anything looks risky or weird.

I know having the NT scan at all is a gamble - given that it IS a screening ultrasound and they are basically looking for trouble. But I have to have it. I have no choice. (Well, I do - but mentally - I don't.) I have to have another ultrasound and this is the only way to get one. That may sound terrible to some - but you're not me. I have suppressed so much anxiety over the past few weeks - I can't concentrate on work - all I can do is wonder about the health of my baby. I just want to know we're still chugging along. Ugh. Come ON!

Wake me up when it's Monday....

Double Digits

I feel like a bad blogger - not having updated in so long - but in my defense I try to start a new post the other day but blogger was down! So I didn't.

Truth is .. I don't have a lot to blog about. I feel like I'm pretty much holding my breath until May 12 - hoping that ultrasound shows that all is well - and that I'm still pregnant. Which, I assume I am, of course - but after infertility and pregnancy loss - well, it's hard not to let all of your worst fears dance across your brain occasionally. And then you worry that by allowing negative thoughts in your brain, negative things will happen, and so you quickly shoo them away, and replace them with loud thoughts that go something like this, "HEALTHY PREGNANCY! HEALTHY BABY!" And you hope that will appease the thought Gods. And that your baby is OK.

At least that's been my experience.

Physically - I'm fine. Have definitely experienced some nausea here and there - but then once it passes I doubt myself, and wonder if I imagined it, because feeling nauseous feels like proof of pregnancy. But I don't think I'm imagining it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I have felt quite lousy more than a few times over the past few weeks. Still having some cramping. Lots of pinching around 9 weeks. In fact - I had twinging/pinching/cramping for 2 and a half days around 9 weeks and was really pretty freaked out about it (of course) but it was never horribly painful and I had no spotting or bleeding - so hope that it was just stuff stretching - which seems to be the catch all explanation for just about every cramp and twinge and pinch you feel during the first 12 weeks of pregnancy.

So that's it. I'm fine. But still afraid. Really just biding my time until May 12 NT scan/ultrasound. We'll see how it goes .. and hopefully things will remain quiet for now. Quiet is fine. Right?

First Appointment

Well, first "official" appointment at the Midwife Center. All is well. I'm 8w1d today ... and while she did not check for a heartbeat (too early to hear on doppler) she did check my uterus and said it feels like an "8 to 10 week pregnant uterus." So I have to think that's a good thing - and indicative of a healthy little person growing INSIDE my growing uterus. That's my big fear - something happening in spite of our having seen heartbeat at 6w2d (which seems like FOREVER ago.)

I scheduled an NT scan for May 12. May 12 is my birthday. And nothing bad can happen on my birthday. So the NT scan will go well. I've decided.

Although actually I'm wavering on the NT scan ... I don't want it to freak me out. And I'll only not be freaked out if it's great. (Same with J. He will SPAZ OUT if the NT scan looks iffy.)

I don't want amnio. I don't want to risk miscarriage. So I'm wavering on the NT scan. But I'll probably go through with it. It's a chance to take a CLOSE look at the baby. And I really want to see the baby again. Whether we do NT scan or not - the next u/s after that would be around 18 - 20 weeks with high risk doctor (perinatologist.) That seems so far away ... I think that's like, early July or something. MONTHS away.

So we'll see. But for today - everything appears to be fine. According to my uterus, at least.

(QUICK UPDATE/CLARIFICATION - in re-reading this - it sounds like I think amnio and NT scan are the same thing. What I meant was - I'm having NT scan in the hopes that I get good news and so don't need to go on to have the amnio. If we get iffy news - we might do amnio. Or not. We'll see..)

Er, What Do I Do Now?

After having a big fat anxiety attack this morning over WHO WAS GOING TO OVERSEE MY PREGNANCY CARE???? (all in caps because that's how that question felt in my mind) I had a long talk with one of the midwives at the practice I've always gone to for my regular, well woman care - and she talked me down off the bridge.

I was so worried because my blood clotting disorders and being on Lovenox blood thinner injections make me a higher risk patient ... so I didn't know if felt comfortable going the midwife route ... but my RE discharged me yesterday after seeing a heartbeat (yay!) and I just felt ... lost. And scared for my baby.

So after googling all sorts of crap and e-mailing people and looking for recommendations and going crazy ... I talked to Nancy ... who was so kind and we talked about my fears. She told me I am in a category of care that they would consider higher risk but that they could work with me in conjunction with the high risk MFM's (maternal fetal medicine specialists aka perinatologists) they refer out to. She had already talked to the head MFM about me (I had left a message with her yesterday) and they had gone over my case. He wants to see me between 16 - 18 weeks - and the midwives will monitor me in the meantime. Nancy is ordering bloodwork/platelet count once/week for the next three weeks to see how I'm doing on the Lovenox - they are also upping my dose slightly (per MFM recommendation) and now I'll do injections twice/day rather than once a day. (30 mg/twice a day rather than 40mg/once a day. Two injections a day! Crap. Oh well. I'd walk on hot coals if it will help to ensure a healthy pregnancy and safe baby.) Nancy also ordered all my pregnancy b/w (testing for diseases, all standard stuff) so I'll have that done tomorrow too.

And she will set me up for an NT scan at 12 weeks - that will be done at the hospital ultrasound center (I'm assuming.) The midwife group I've always gone to see are all CNM's (certified nurse midwives) and while they do operate an independent birth center they also work closely with a local major hospital. And the MFM's are supposed to be very good (and nice) too.

So I feel better. Still terrified - but I feel like someone is going to look after me and help me and my baby be safe.

I'll give birth at the hospital rather than the midwife center and it may turn out that the MFM's totally take over my care if that becomes necessary at some point but we're going to see how it goes. Otherwise - I'll probably have a midwife attend the hospital birth with MFM checking in to make sure we're OK.

Deep breaths. This WILL be OK. Inhaling ... exhaling ...

Heartbeat

I made it. I made it to today's ultrasound. And I wasn't even too horribly spazzy the night before - and though I felt like I was going to puke before the appointment this morning (and it was anxiety, not morning sickness) I did NOT puke. So that was good.

I drove to the appointment by myself - the plan was for J to meet me there since he had already gone into work earlier. I got to the office parking lot around 10:15am - appointment not until 10:30am. I sat in my car for five minutes and then decided that was dumb - so headed into the hospital where the office is located. Called J - he was there - parking his car. Took the elevator up to the fifth floor - got off - waited for J. Strolled over to a balcony overlooking an atrium and the hospital lobby. Looked over the railing - five stories down - felt dizzy - backed away. No J - so I headed back to the office to sign in - and then sat in the waiting room. He walked in a second later - gave me a kiss and we sat and held hands. My palms were sweating. Rachael Ray was on television - and, hoo boy, she is "something." Maybe I just wasn't in the mood for all that energy, given how anxious I felt.

Finally - after waiting for what felt like a REALLY long time - they called my name to go back for my ultrasound. J stayed in the waiting room - they don't have the husbands/partners come back right away - I have no idea why. But whatever. I followed the ultrasound tech back and admired her long curly hair that looked a little crispy (product related - not damage) and really - kind of 80's (it was pretty high on top) but she was working it so good for her!

I headed into the bathroom right off the ultrasound room to shed my jeans and underwear ... peed ... wrapped a sheet around my waist (I washed my hands first, of course!) ... and headed out to the ultrasound room and Curly was ... gone. OK. I sat on the exam table in my sheet and waited. Finally - she came back into the room and apologized - someone had grabbed her to ask her a question in another exam room while I was changing. No problem (except I was worried that J was going to get worried and wonder why no one was coming to get him.)

I laid down and put my feet in the stirrups - and Curly handed me the (trans-vaginal) wand so that I could do the honors - except I was so nervous that as I was reaching for the wand (awkwardly - since you're reaching under the sheet and trying not to wipe all the lube off on the sheet while doing so) one of my legs suddenly shot out and the stirrup shot out with it ... I nearly fell off the table.

"Sorry," I said. "I'm so nervous."

"It's OK," Curly replied. She slightly readjusted the stirrup and asked if I was OK with how they were positioned. I told her I was. (Even if I wasn't I would've lied - I was so embarrassed by my spastic-ness.)

We got started. Well - she got started. I just laid there. I could feel a tremor going through my body. I felt as if I might start shaking uncontrollably and tried to remember to breathe. This was it. I had already imagined and run through every scenario in my mind - well, mostly every worst case scenario. Which I am too superstitious to even type here. But you can imagine my fears. Would there be a heartbeat? Or would this day be - the end?

I could hear Curly pointing and clicking. This too seemed to go for a really long time. Finally, she said out loud, "Everything looks good."

"Is there activity?" I asked. "Yep," she replied. "I'll go get your husband so you guys can look at the screen together."

As soon as she said "yep" I had the biggest smile overtake my face - and big tears fill my eyes. I laid there waiting for her to bring J back and just said "Thank you God" over and over. And then I held my tummy and said, "I love you baby. You're such a good baby."

Curly and J came into the room and J whipped out his giant camera (he's a professional photographer) and started fiddling around with the flash! He walked by the screen before I had even seen it and said "I see it!" After he fiddled around for a few more seconds I was exasperated and said, "J!! You're holding up the show!" Curly laughed.

Finally - she turned the screen toward us and showed us the gestational sac ... the yolk sac ... and the tiny, pulsating .. baby. OK "baby" may sound like a stretch - but it was a baby. A little, unformed, tiny white blob of a baby - with a beating heart.

I asked about the heartrate - 120bpm. She said at this point they're looking for anything over 100 so 120 was great. (And given that it just started beating a few days ago - which is just so crazy to me) I think 120 was EXCELLENT. Good job baby!!

J snapped a bunch of pics - I'm sure I look absolutely hideous in all of them as I got very little sleep last night and had no make-up on, a puffy face, hair piled on top of my head and big fat tears in my eyes. But I don't care. I will put those pictures in the scrap book. They're from an important day.

Finally - we were done and we talked with a nurse. They discharged me (which actually I'm not thrilled about .. I wish they'd keep me a little longer but oh well. Heartbeat and don't let the door hit you in the ass! Now I have to figure out who my doctor is - and who's delivering my baby. That's a dilemma for another blog post.)

And then - we left. And I felt truly elated.

I have a million and one more worries. And certainly - it is still very early and by no means are we "out of the woods." But for today - I felt elated. I'm sure I'll be back to my spazzy, anxious self by Thursday morning. But today - was amazing. We saw our baby's heartbeat today.