Saturday, February 16, 2008

Sometimes a Twinge is Just a Twinge

BFN at 13dpo. It appears our third and final IUI is on the horizon. And it has to work. Because we can't afford IVF.

In our denial that we'd ever need IVF - we are in the midst of two expensive, much needed renovation projects at our home. So I guess I'm giving birth to a kitchen instead of a baby - for now. But having taken on the expense of these renovations - IVF seems really unattainable right now. But where there's a will (or a low interest credit card) - there's a way - I suppose.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Way ahead. Because our next IUI is going to work. It's going to cost us $2500 out of pocket - ouch - but that's OK because it's going to work. We're mixing it up - we're doing back to back IUI's at 12 and 36 hours post trigger (instead of one at 36 hours post trigger) - we're trying for more, bigger follies before trigger - and it's going to work.

Because it has to.

Stupid fake twinges. :-( Whatever.

Sunday, February 10, 2008


My uterus is twingy. And I’ve been at this long enough to know that might mean a whole pile of nothing. But it’s twingy nonetheless. I’m 7dpo – and it’s been twingy since 3dpo. I’ve even had few piercing little pains – nothing awful – just enough to almost make you say “ow” out loud.

You would think – after all this time – I wouldn’t still analyzing 2WW symptoms. ESPECIALLY during a “natural” cycle. But I can’t help it. I guess I still can’t understand why I’m not pregnant yet – so I still think that I CAN get pregnant – even on my own. Because no one has presented with a concrete reason that says “you can’t get pregnant because X, Y, Z – so move on!”

The first RE I saw basically said it was very unlikely based on my history. And that was well over a year ago. She was a cold fish. I bet at this point she’d tell me it’s more likely I might wake up on the moon some morning than get knocked up on my own. But I didn’t like her. Or her dire outlook regarding my situation. So screw her. (And for what it’s worth – at the time I saw her – my husband and I had JUST started having sex again after literally an almost 9 month dry spell. We were having some problems … and on top of that an unexpected and very traumatic death in the family caused a major tear in the fabric of our relationship – I wasn’t sure we were going to make it. But we did. Er, obviously.) My point being – at that time – I didn’t feel it was as dismal a picture as she was painting it to be. However .. in retrospect .. maybe it was. Hmph.

REGARDLESS .... I feel twingy. And that’s that. Oh – and I’m charting this month. Which couldn’t be more bass-ackwards – most people have left charting in the dust by the time they get to where I am in this process. Me – I just started. But only because my acupuncturist wanted me to. I think she just wanted to take a gander at my temps to see if my body was indeed doing what it is supposed to be doing. And based on my temps – it appears that it is. I was very resistant to the idea at first – my sleep schedule is weird – I don’t wake up at the same time everyday (and didn’t feel like having to in order to temp.) But now, I’m kinda into it. It’s interesting to see my temps do. And to track everything. I’m using fertility friend – I wasn’t at first – was just doing everything by hand on a paper chart but then logged onto fertility friend last week and thought “what the hell?” it’s free for a basic membership (although I might pay for a VIP once my free trial VIP membership runs out .. we’ll see. Told you I was strangely into it.)

Of course – I know I’ve had pretty darn accurate timing for the last, oh, year and a half. I bought a clearblue easy fertility monitor in September 2006 – have been using it ever since – and it’s quite accurate as far as predicting your most fertile days. So why I think charting all of a sudden might shed some new light on my predicament .. well, I don’t really. But maybe I kind of do. It’s something new to be fascinated with I guess, at least for now.

And … it sort of looks like maybe I had a really early implantation “dip” at 5dpo. Now see – a month ago I didn’t even know what an implantation dip WAS! I do now!

And – I’m twingy.

How amazingly, ridiculously great would it be if I ended up pregnant this cycle? I could skip what is going to be an EXPENSIVE IUI #3 – and just be pregnant – and be happy forever and ever. HA! ;-) If only life were that simple.

And for my fellow Lovenox’ers – I started back up this past Tuesday night – so 2dpo according to “my chart.” Once again - so far, so good. Only some very small bruises - about the size of a fingertip - at the injection site - and only a couple of those. The rest of the injections have left only a reddish-purplish dot at the injection site. Some stinging/burning as I inject the meds - but I go so slowly I don't really even feel it - if it starts to burn - I slow down even more and just proceed very cautiously and carefully.

One more week to go before I know anything.

Come on twinges. MEAN something this month!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Plugging Another Blog

I love this blog. The author writes A LOT about recurrent pregnancy loss - check out his older posts and archives. And he takes the time to answer questions too!! Here's the link:

It's called "Fruit of the Womb" - and is a great resource as far as infertility and recurrent loss. Check it out if you're interested.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Trying To Believe

I feel like a bad blogger. I just haven’t had a ton of blogging “energy” lately I suppose.

I am back in the 2WW – after a “natural” TTC go ‘round. I think I ovulated on Sunday (had positive OPK at 4pm on Saturday afternoon … then got a peak on CBEFM Sunday morning.) So I think perhaps sometime Sunday night or the wee hours of Monday morning. We had sex Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night. I guess we covered our bases. I hope so.

Today is Tuesday – 2dpo – (or perhaps 1dpo – you know what, let’s just say 2. Or I’ll confuse myself.) I started Lovenox tonight. I’m very tired right now. Just – everything. Baby stuff … family stuff … infertility stuff … we’re in the midst of a kitchen re-do (there go my IVF dollars … hope I don’t need ‘em for that purpose … because I’m screwed if I do.)

I go to acupuncture once a week. I have been for almost a year. I like it. I still feel like it could “help.” But given that I’m not pregnant yet .. I’m losing some steam. And money. I have no idea how I’m affording it actually. It’s 65 dollars a week – which adds up. But I keep going. It’s like if I quit something that might be helping … I could be jeopardizing my ONE chance … so I keep going. Even the Lovenox tonight – I just felt kind of ridiculous. Like – what am I doing?

A couple of weeks ago my acupuncturist was talking about ways my husband and I can connect more before sex – so our energy is more aligned, that sort of thing.

If she only knew. And there’s only so much I’m willing to share – at some point – it’s just too personal.

Let's just say that for husband - performing on command month after month after month isn't exactly romantic or spiritual.

I read somewhere recently that timed intercourse month after month can be psychologically draining. And it made me feel better. Because I thought, “yes – it can.” We’re trying to make this happen. And we are drained. Infertility is a bitch, it really is. It can wreak havoc on you in so many ways – physically – emotionally – psychologically – financially … it’s just really freakin’ hard. And getting harder – that’s the problem. Most things get EASIER over time .. this gets harder.

So while I love my acupuncturist – even she doesn’t really “get it.” And she works with infertile women all the time. But unless you’ve been there – unless you know what it likes to really, really grapple with this – you have no idea what it’s like. You just have no idea.

I remember when I didn’t. And I thought fertility drugs were weird – and infertile people were sad – and why didn’t they “just adopt?”

If nothing else – I’ve learned a lot. And I hope I’ve become more compassionate. And more aware that you can’t put people and their relationships into some mold and expect it to fit. Every couple has their own way of dealing with hard stuff. My husband and I are hanging on. We keep believing. Mostly.

So here I am in the 2WW. Some part of me is optimistic. Another part of me can’t imagine it ever really happening. And that makes me afraid – aren’t you supposed to “envision” yourself pregnant – power of positive thinking – “The Secret” – that type of thing? So I try. I will try to be positive. I will try to imagine myself pregnant and healthy. I will try to believe.

And for anyone who is reading this and hurting – I hurt for you too. Melisha and anyone else who is dealing with something really tough right now. I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry any of us have to go through this.

Try to keep believing – and I will too.