Thursday, November 29, 2007

Hangin' on to Hope

Well, I did finally get the RPL bloodwork done. Went to the hospital lab on Tuesday - and was in and out very quickly. So far, every blood draw I've had at this hospital - whether it be as part of an injectables cycle work-up - or the RPL panel I had yesterday - has been virtually painless. I can appreciate this - because when I had blood drawn last month at one of those walk-in medical clinics (on the day I was miscarrying) - the nurse who drew my blood was HORRIBLE. And I'm easy - good veins, blood flows fast - but she stuck me twice in one arm - then jiggled the needle around for a while - couldn't get it - and then stuck me in the other arm and I think she literally leaned on the needle for a minute or so. Horrid. But the phlebotomists at the womens hospital I go to - fabulous. Thank God for small favors, right?

So I got my eight vials of blood drawn (I thought it would be more - have heard others tell tales of having as many as 17 vials of blood drawn during an RPL panel - but it was only 8) and next week - also as part of the RPL work-up - I will have a sono-hysterogram (saline ultrasound.) I'm kind of glad to be having this - because I didn't have any kind of follow-up look at my uterus after my surgery and who knows? At least we'll know now whether it healed correctly. I am optimistic that it did, and now we'll know for sure. And then - we can move on. Oh .. and the good news is (at least, I think it's good news) .. I'm having the S-HSG before I ovulate - not after as I was originally told. The physician's assistant who told me that was wrong. So ... we can try on our own this cycle. Against doctor's orders (well, not "orders" per se .. advice, perhaps) - he'd rather we not TTC again until we go over the results of the RPL panel. But I can't not try this month if I have the opportunity to do so. Which is probably really neurotic. And potentially a bad idea - what if the RPL panel shows there is a problem, right? But in my mind I'm justifying it by telling myself if we do find a blood clotting disorder - I can start baby aspirin during last week of 2WW. Or I can start it before then on my own ... I'm a bad patient. I don't know - it's going to be Christmas next month - and I want to try for a Christmas BFP. It's so unlikely it would work anyway ... it sure hasn't yet (at least not with DH) without the help of an IUI ... so ... we'll see.

And if at the end of December we get another BFN ... well, hopefully the information we glean from the results of my RPL panel will allow us to move on to another medicated cycle - and another IUI - in early '08.

I am still very hopeful that we will get pregnant soon. I don't know if that's naive ... or optimistic ... or denial. But today .. it is my truth. I don't want to lose hope. I can't imagine how sad that would feel. So I'm hanging on to it ... because for now ... hope is all I have.

Monday, November 26, 2007

More Waiting ...

So today I spent a good chunk of the afternoon at a local Quest lab ... waiting to get bloodwork for my RPL panel. Unfortunately, once they took me back, they realized they weren't able to do every test that my RE wants me to have as part of the panel. Sooo... rather than have some bloodwork done there and then some done elsewhere ... I opted not to have any blood drawn today and instead will try again tomorrow! I'll go to the lab located at the same hospital where my fertility clinic is located. And because it's on a walk-in basis (no appointments) - I'll wait some more.

It really is the resounding theme in my life these days. Waiting. I'm tired of waiting. Which is whiny, but it's true. I've been waiting all my life to be in a situation where I could try to have a baby. Once I was finally in that position .. I waited to get pregnant. When that didn't happen ... I waited to get an appointment with an RE. When that didn't work out - I saw another RE (didn't wait for that one though .. he had a cancellation and I got in ONE day after I called. Hey .. every rule has to have at least one exception.) With my "new" RE - I had more tests ... then a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy ... then tried on our own again for a while .. more waiting .. FINALLY ... we got going with our first IUI ... only to have it result in an early miscarriage. And now, because of the testing we have to undergo ... we'll wait some more. And I feel like I'm getting older - and it's scary. I hope my great hormone levels stay where they are. I'll be 37 in May...

Infertility really is all about waiting. And I'm not a good "wait-er" (nor am I a good waitress .. but that's a story for another day - or another blog.) I am a do-er, I am action girl, when there's a crisis - you want ME on your team because I will leap into action and get problems SOLVED.

But for all of my leaping .. I can't get this one solved very fast. So little of it is in my control. I can make appointments, and make calls, and get tests ... but I can't seem to get pregnant and stay that way. And I'm really sad about that today. I am struggling today to accept that this is the deal ... and I can't really do anything more than I am doing now. I'm especially maudlin as today is CD 1 - and I'm crampy - and I'm facing a bleak month of no trying on our own (which seems more and more pointless anyway) and waiting to find out the results of RPL panel. Oh - and waiting to have yet another invasive test - so that we can all learn even MORE about the size, shape and interior of my uterus.

There is a part of me though - the practical part - that says "well at least you'll know EVERYTHING if you do end up doing IVF down the road." We'll have genetic info, chromosomal info (is that the same thing?) - we'll know it all! But for everything I now know about my body .. still - the only thing I can do right now - is wait. And I hate it. Which may be immature of me - but it's how I feel. I'm so tired of all of it.

Ah well. Tomorrow is another day - and hopefully - after tomorrow - I won't be waiting to get bloodwork for my RPL panel done - hopefully, by tomorrow, I can check THAT off the list. At least then I'll feel like I got something "done".

Sunday, November 25, 2007

First Post

Well, I guess I am now officially entering the ranks of women struggling with infertility and blogging about it. As of this past week - our diagnosis is no longer just "infertility" - but is now infertility with recurrent pregnancy loss to boot. This week - I will get something like 19 tubes of blood drawn as part of the RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) panel my RE has ordered for me. J needs to get blood drawn too so they can check out his chromosomes as well. Then, later this month, I'll have a sono-hysterogram - a test that involves filling up my uterus with saline - and then taking pictures of it. They want to make sure nothing got "left behind" during my surgery to remove a uterine septum last March. (I assume they're talking about a piece of the septum - and not like, a pair of surgical scissors or a few cotton balls. Cripes!)

So - now we can't even TTC on our own this month. Because the S-HSG has to take place toward the end of my cycle - and they want to make sure you're not pregnant when they do the test. Ha! As if. What an absolute bummer.

For a while, getting all these tests was sort of interesting. Dramatic. Now - it's just tiresome. I'm tired of being tested. I'm tired of wondering what's wrong. Part of me (the crazy, in denial part of me, I guess) still thinks this is all a big mistake - a bizarre coincidence - and in fact, nothing is wrong and I'll get pregnant (and stay pregnant) on my own very soon.

How ironic that I can't wait to start sticking myself with needles again. But having gotten pregnant with injectables/IUI on the first try - even though it ended in a chemical pregnancy - well, it worked, sort of - and I feel like it will work again. But first - more tests ... more waiting ... and then hopefully - some answers, and some resolution. And then maybe ... a baby.