So today I spent a good chunk of the afternoon at a local Quest lab ... waiting to get bloodwork for my RPL panel. Unfortunately, once they took me back, they realized they weren't able to do every test that my RE wants me to have as part of the panel. Sooo... rather than have some bloodwork done there and then some done elsewhere ... I opted not to have any blood drawn today and instead will try again tomorrow! I'll go to the lab located at the same hospital where my fertility clinic is located. And because it's on a walk-in basis (no appointments) - I'll wait some more.
It really is the resounding theme in my life these days. Waiting. I'm tired of waiting. Which is whiny, but it's true. I've been waiting all my life to be in a situation where I could try to have a baby. Once I was finally in that position .. I waited to get pregnant. When that didn't happen ... I waited to get an appointment with an RE. When that didn't work out - I saw another RE (didn't wait for that one though .. he had a cancellation and I got in ONE day after I called. Hey .. every rule has to have at least one exception.) With my "new" RE - I had more tests ... then a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy ... then tried on our own again for a while .. more waiting .. FINALLY ... we got going with our first IUI ... only to have it result in an early miscarriage. And now, because of the testing we have to undergo ... we'll wait some more. And I feel like I'm getting older - and it's scary. I hope my great hormone levels stay where they are. I'll be 37 in May...
Infertility really is all about waiting. And I'm not a good "wait-er" (nor am I a good waitress .. but that's a story for another day - or another blog.) I am a do-er, I am action girl, when there's a crisis - you want ME on your team because I will leap into action and get problems SOLVED.
But for all of my leaping .. I can't get this one solved very fast. So little of it is in my control. I can make appointments, and make calls, and get tests ... but I can't seem to get pregnant and stay that way. And I'm really sad about that today. I am struggling today to accept that this is the deal ... and I can't really do anything more than I am doing now. I'm especially maudlin as today is CD 1 - and I'm crampy - and I'm facing a bleak month of no trying on our own (which seems more and more pointless anyway) and waiting to find out the results of RPL panel. Oh - and waiting to have yet another invasive test - so that we can all learn even MORE about the size, shape and interior of my uterus.
There is a part of me though - the practical part - that says "well at least you'll know EVERYTHING if you do end up doing IVF down the road." We'll have genetic info, chromosomal info (is that the same thing?) - we'll know it all! But for everything I now know about my body .. still - the only thing I can do right now - is wait. And I hate it. Which may be immature of me - but it's how I feel. I'm so tired of all of it.
Ah well. Tomorrow is another day - and hopefully - after tomorrow - I won't be waiting to get bloodwork for my RPL panel done - hopefully, by tomorrow, I can check THAT off the list. At least then I'll feel like I got something "done".