Hangin' on to Hope

Well, I did finally get the RPL bloodwork done. Went to the hospital lab on Tuesday - and was in and out very quickly. So far, every blood draw I've had at this hospital - whether it be as part of an injectables cycle work-up - or the RPL panel I had yesterday - has been virtually painless. I can appreciate this - because when I had blood drawn last month at one of those walk-in medical clinics (on the day I was miscarrying) - the nurse who drew my blood was HORRIBLE. And I'm easy - good veins, blood flows fast - but she stuck me twice in one arm - then jiggled the needle around for a while - couldn't get it - and then stuck me in the other arm and I think she literally leaned on the needle for a minute or so. Horrid. But the phlebotomists at the womens hospital I go to - fabulous. Thank God for small favors, right?

So I got my eight vials of blood drawn (I thought it would be more - have heard others tell tales of having as many as 17 vials of blood drawn during an RPL panel - but it was only 8) and next week - also as part of the RPL work-up - I will have a sono-hysterogram (saline ultrasound.) I'm kind of glad to be having this - because I didn't have any kind of follow-up look at my uterus after my surgery and who knows? At least we'll know now whether it healed correctly. I am optimistic that it did, and now we'll know for sure. And then - we can move on. Oh .. and the good news is (at least, I think it's good news) .. I'm having the S-HSG before I ovulate - not after as I was originally told. The physician's assistant who told me that was wrong. So ... we can try on our own this cycle. Against doctor's orders (well, not "orders" per se .. advice, perhaps) - he'd rather we not TTC again until we go over the results of the RPL panel. But I can't not try this month if I have the opportunity to do so. Which is probably really neurotic. And potentially a bad idea - what if the RPL panel shows there is a problem, right? But in my mind I'm justifying it by telling myself if we do find a blood clotting disorder - I can start baby aspirin during last week of 2WW. Or I can start it before then on my own ... I'm a bad patient. I don't know - it's going to be Christmas next month - and I want to try for a Christmas BFP. It's so unlikely it would work anyway ... it sure hasn't yet (at least not with DH) without the help of an IUI ... so ... we'll see.

And if at the end of December we get another BFN ... well, hopefully the information we glean from the results of my RPL panel will allow us to move on to another medicated cycle - and another IUI - in early '08.

I am still very hopeful that we will get pregnant soon. I don't know if that's naive ... or optimistic ... or denial. But today .. it is my truth. I don't want to lose hope. I can't imagine how sad that would feel. So I'm hanging on to it ... because for now ... hope is all I have.