Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Trying To Believe

I feel like a bad blogger. I just haven’t had a ton of blogging “energy” lately I suppose.

I am back in the 2WW – after a “natural” TTC go ‘round. I think I ovulated on Sunday (had positive OPK at 4pm on Saturday afternoon … then got a peak on CBEFM Sunday morning.) So I think perhaps sometime Sunday night or the wee hours of Monday morning. We had sex Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night. I guess we covered our bases. I hope so.

Today is Tuesday – 2dpo – (or perhaps 1dpo – you know what, let’s just say 2. Or I’ll confuse myself.) I started Lovenox tonight. I’m very tired right now. Just – everything. Baby stuff … family stuff … infertility stuff … we’re in the midst of a kitchen re-do (there go my IVF dollars … hope I don’t need ‘em for that purpose … because I’m screwed if I do.)

I go to acupuncture once a week. I have been for almost a year. I like it. I still feel like it could “help.” But given that I’m not pregnant yet .. I’m losing some steam. And money. I have no idea how I’m affording it actually. It’s 65 dollars a week – which adds up. But I keep going. It’s like if I quit something that might be helping … I could be jeopardizing my ONE chance … so I keep going. Even the Lovenox tonight – I just felt kind of ridiculous. Like – what am I doing?

A couple of weeks ago my acupuncturist was talking about ways my husband and I can connect more before sex – so our energy is more aligned, that sort of thing.

If she only knew. And there’s only so much I’m willing to share – at some point – it’s just too personal.

Let's just say that for husband - performing on command month after month after month isn't exactly romantic or spiritual.

I read somewhere recently that timed intercourse month after month can be psychologically draining. And it made me feel better. Because I thought, “yes – it can.” We’re trying to make this happen. And we are drained. Infertility is a bitch, it really is. It can wreak havoc on you in so many ways – physically – emotionally – psychologically – financially … it’s just really freakin’ hard. And getting harder – that’s the problem. Most things get EASIER over time .. this gets harder.

So while I love my acupuncturist – even she doesn’t really “get it.” And she works with infertile women all the time. But unless you’ve been there – unless you know what it likes to really, really grapple with this – you have no idea what it’s like. You just have no idea.

I remember when I didn’t. And I thought fertility drugs were weird – and infertile people were sad – and why didn’t they “just adopt?”

If nothing else – I’ve learned a lot. And I hope I’ve become more compassionate. And more aware that you can’t put people and their relationships into some mold and expect it to fit. Every couple has their own way of dealing with hard stuff. My husband and I are hanging on. We keep believing. Mostly.

So here I am in the 2WW. Some part of me is optimistic. Another part of me can’t imagine it ever really happening. And that makes me afraid – aren’t you supposed to “envision” yourself pregnant – power of positive thinking – “The Secret” – that type of thing? So I try. I will try to be positive. I will try to imagine myself pregnant and healthy. I will try to believe.

And for anyone who is reading this and hurting – I hurt for you too. Melisha and anyone else who is dealing with something really tough right now. I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry any of us have to go through this.

Try to keep believing – and I will too.


Anonymous said...

I totally know what you mean about TI being draining... Its just not fun anymore!

Melisha said...

I can't envision myself pregnant either and it seems everywhere I turn there is someone with a child or they are pregnant. I don't have any positive thinking left. I am so drained and meet resistance everywhere I turn. I went to see my OBGYN today just to check on things and he said we may never find out why I miscarry. That is so, so scary, overwhelming, and makes my head hurt so bad that I am dizzy. I hope my RE will have something to offer at my next appointment. I am tyring to get a referral to start accupunture treatments, my stress level is so high! I have to do something to get my body to relax or I will just be fighting myself to try and get pregnant. If I only knew what was wrong and whether or not it could be fixed I would feel better. I know how sorry I feel for myself and then I look at my wonderful husband and all he has to go through. I haven't been the easiest to handle lately. He is so supportive, but you are right trying to have sex on command is so hard. Last time TTC I was given the shot to make me ovulate 36 1/2 hours later and let me tell you about the pressure on my husband. Gosh I can't remember the last time we had sex to just have sex and weren't trying to conceive. My life feels so ridiculous, but I can't make myself stop trying. I have looked at every option and unless we can come up with $35,000 for an international adoption all we can do is to keep plugging away at trying to get and stay pregnant.


ONE OUT OF SIX said...

Melisha - don't give up. Check out this blog - look over the older posts and the archives too - he's done a whole series on recurrent pregnancy loss - nearly every post he has has something to do with recurrent loss. And he answers questions too! I've posted several and he's answered every one of them:


Don't give up Melisha. There IS an answer for you. I think acupuncture is a GREAT idea for you too. Hang in there hon!!

lynn said...

1 out of 6 -

I hear exactly what you are saying - "Try to Believe." I think believing is more important than we we give it credit. I mean, when was the last time the RE, hemo, etc. told us to believe and stay positive?

Believe me, I'm not an extremely spiritual person, and I have read competing theories on stress and conception, but I'm getting to the point where I'm almost totally convinced that my issues are somewhat linked to stress.

For about the last year I went through so much self doubt and worry about conceiving. I didn't worry after my first chemical pregnancy. I thought, "Well, something happened. I have eggs, he has sperm. It will work out." Then I got pregant 4 months later and had a miscarriage. I think I went into panic mode at that point. I couldn't wait for to start trying again. Then 12 months with nothing! Over that period, one of my best friends has had two babies (within a year - talk about fertilty), and I know no less than 12 other conceptions / births across my group of friends in the past year. Everybody else's good news seemed like a reminder that I was "failing" at this. It became something I thought about constantly.

For good or bad, I have not "failed" at many things in life. I'm a "Type A" personality, and this didn't help my feelings at the time.

I don't know if it's "The Power of Positive Thinking," "The Secret", or what, but I'm starting to believe it's just going to happen. I have not felt that way in a long time. However, for some reason, I'm becoming very calm and positive about the whole thing.

Maybe this is just a "positive phase," but I hope it's not!

Pink said...

I am going through the same thing and I totally understand. It will happen for you. It MUST!