Trying To Believe

I feel like a bad blogger. I just haven’t had a ton of blogging “energy” lately I suppose.

I am back in the 2WW – after a “natural” TTC go ‘round. I think I ovulated on Sunday (had positive OPK at 4pm on Saturday afternoon … then got a peak on CBEFM Sunday morning.) So I think perhaps sometime Sunday night or the wee hours of Monday morning. We had sex Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night. I guess we covered our bases. I hope so.

Today is Tuesday – 2dpo – (or perhaps 1dpo – you know what, let’s just say 2. Or I’ll confuse myself.) I started Lovenox tonight. I’m very tired right now. Just – everything. Baby stuff … family stuff … infertility stuff … we’re in the midst of a kitchen re-do (there go my IVF dollars … hope I don’t need ‘em for that purpose … because I’m screwed if I do.)

I go to acupuncture once a week. I have been for almost a year. I like it. I still feel like it could “help.” But given that I’m not pregnant yet .. I’m losing some steam. And money. I have no idea how I’m affording it actually. It’s 65 dollars a week – which adds up. But I keep going. It’s like if I quit something that might be helping … I could be jeopardizing my ONE chance … so I keep going. Even the Lovenox tonight – I just felt kind of ridiculous. Like – what am I doing?

A couple of weeks ago my acupuncturist was talking about ways my husband and I can connect more before sex – so our energy is more aligned, that sort of thing.

If she only knew. And there’s only so much I’m willing to share – at some point – it’s just too personal.

Let's just say that for husband - performing on command month after month after month isn't exactly romantic or spiritual.

I read somewhere recently that timed intercourse month after month can be psychologically draining. And it made me feel better. Because I thought, “yes – it can.” We’re trying to make this happen. And we are drained. Infertility is a bitch, it really is. It can wreak havoc on you in so many ways – physically – emotionally – psychologically – financially … it’s just really freakin’ hard. And getting harder – that’s the problem. Most things get EASIER over time .. this gets harder.

So while I love my acupuncturist – even she doesn’t really “get it.” And she works with infertile women all the time. But unless you’ve been there – unless you know what it likes to really, really grapple with this – you have no idea what it’s like. You just have no idea.

I remember when I didn’t. And I thought fertility drugs were weird – and infertile people were sad – and why didn’t they “just adopt?”

If nothing else – I’ve learned a lot. And I hope I’ve become more compassionate. And more aware that you can’t put people and their relationships into some mold and expect it to fit. Every couple has their own way of dealing with hard stuff. My husband and I are hanging on. We keep believing. Mostly.

So here I am in the 2WW. Some part of me is optimistic. Another part of me can’t imagine it ever really happening. And that makes me afraid – aren’t you supposed to “envision” yourself pregnant – power of positive thinking – “The Secret” – that type of thing? So I try. I will try to be positive. I will try to imagine myself pregnant and healthy. I will try to believe.

And for anyone who is reading this and hurting – I hurt for you too. Melisha and anyone else who is dealing with something really tough right now. I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry any of us have to go through this.

Try to keep believing – and I will too.