Nervous

My standard, pre-ultrasound anxiety has set in. It was sparked by a giant fight J and I had this week about whether or not we would be driving across the state in July - for a shower that his mother just announced she wanted to throw for me.

Now - that is a very nice idea. And I get that she wants to celebrate the impending birth of her grandchild - her youngest son's first child - in this way. (She only has one other grandchild - a grand-daughter - who is now a teenager and who she doesn't see much of.)

HOWEVER ... I was pissed. Yes, that's right, pissed. If you read this blog - you know my pregnancy is high risk. I have two blood clotting disorders - Factor V Leiden and MTHFR. I'm on Lovenox blood thinner injections twice a day to keep my blood from getting too clotty to sustain life (mine or the baby's.) I also take a daily baby aspirin, a folic/b supplement called Foltx, a PNV, and some other assorted pills.

This past weekend, I drove to Virginia to see my sister. The typically five hour drive took closer to 7 hours. I had to stop frequently and walk around and still, I was in pain after the journey there and the ride back. I was also nervous about blood clots the whole time.

Now - J and I do have another LONG road trip planned. We are supposed to drive to the beach in August. It's an 11 hour drive - which will probably take us closer to 13 hours. We were going to break it up into 2 days - and stay overnight at a hotel in between. Same thing for the ride back home after our week at the beach. I really, really want to go on this vacation. We go with a big group of friends who all have kids - stay in a giant house in South Carolina right on the beach - and it's just a really lovely week. This would be our third year going.

But this is all I was anticipating in terms of road trips this summer - all I was mentally prepared for - and all I was willing to do physically.

But all of a sudden .. I find out just this past weekend that my mother-in-law wants to throw a shower for me. Oh - and I don't know any of J's relatives in his hometown (6 hours from where we live by car .. so .. 8 hours while traveling pregnant.) J and I got married in Mexico - just the two of us - coming up on 5 years ago. So I didn't even meet these people at a wedding or anything like that. Now, over the years, I have met SOME of them at a very few, infreqent family gatherings. But that's it. I don't *know* them .. and they don't know me. So in all honesty - I can't imagine anyone who is invited to this shower will buy anything more than a onesie. Seriously. And I understand that! They don't know me - so a) why would they even come? and b) if they come, they certainly aren't buying some great gift.

So basically - I'd be stuffed in the car for an uncomfortable, potentially dangerous 8 hour car ride - to collect a few onesies - and then be stuffed back in the car for another uncomfortable (and now we can add painful since the ride back will be two days after the ride there), potentially dangerous 8 hour car ride.

Oh - and my in-laws don't have central air conditioning. Do they really expect the pregnant lady to stay in a VERY SMALL spare room with no a/c? Seriously? Why yes, they do. So J and I would have to buy a window unit and take it with us and install it in their window.

I DON'T WANT TO GO!! And I have never once, not in 8 years of being together and 5 years of marriage - said "no" to a trip to J's parents' home. In fact, I suggest them more often than J! (But somehow, I know I'm the imaginary villainess who keeps J away from his parents. Believe you me, that's not reality but I know it's what his mom thinks because, well, she has said so.)

So if we don't go - it will once again be ME being mean. His family has conveniently forgotten that my pregnancy is high risk ... and I guess has no clue that being stuffed in a car for a long ride is potentially a health risk.

Now ... if you are saying to yourself .. but you're willing to ride to the beach... well, yes, you are correct. If my doctors says it's OK - we were going to make that long trip. What I was not prepared to do was add ANOTHER long trip PRIOR to going to the beach. So now .. instead of 24 hours in a car between now and mid-August, we're talking about potentially 38 hours in a car between now and mid-August. You see what I mean? So .. ugh. We see our high risk doctor on Monday and I'll talk it over with him them. I'm hoping he says making both trips is a bad idea - and we should pick one or the other.

And my mother-in-law WILL be invited to the shower that is being thrown locally for me in mid-September. But she won't come. She won't travel. But the high risk pregnant lady IS expected to travel across the state or she's a big meanie.

So .. back to my first paragraph. In researching pregnancy, travel, Factor V Leiden and MTHFR .. I was reminded of the potential seriousness of my blood clotting disorders and it really upset me. I'm doing everything I can to make it to the end of this pregnancy and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby. But much of what could happen is out of my control.

I love this baby so much. And I say this not to be scary - but if something were to happen - I'm not sure I'd recover. My family has been through a LOT in recent years ... loss ... illness ... it's just been really hard. And through it all, I have been strong. And I was strong in my battle with infertility - and I think I'm being strong now. But I need this baby to be OK. I love this baby more than anything in the world.

So now I'm nervous about my Monday ultrasound. And I really haven't felt much movement if anything yet. Which everyone says is normal for first time moms - but I want to feel my baby.

OK - enough bitching and moaning. Just to lighten the mood - here's a picture of me in kindergarten!