5 months?

How is it that my little baby will be 5 months old this week? I still feel like this all "just happened" - but in many ways - his "newbornhood" feels like a million years ago. I was looking at newborn pics the other day and cried - because that tiny baby is gone forever - I will never hold him again (newborn Jack that is - certainly I'll hold Jack again for as long as he'll let me!) But that newborn baby ... he is like mist who slipped away - I was so busy, so stressed, so tired, so hormonal, so steeped in the throes of baby blues and breastfeeding problems and so overwhelmed ... it's a blur his newbornhood. A blur. I feel like I remember it in bits and pieces (and this sounds loony given it wasn't 5 years ago, but only 5 MONTHS ago - but it truly is a blur.) And the thing is - I didn't really "know" Jack at that point, I had just met him, he was a stranger to me - albeit a stranger I knew I already loved as I had felt him moving around inside me for several months prior to his birth. But I didn't know him then the way I know him now - and now that I know him - I want to go back and hold him as a newborn. I was so "afraid" of him - and I loved him but not with the fierceness that I do now. Were I to hold him as a newborn now - actually I'm not sure I could handle how much I'd love him given how tiny and SO vulnerable newborns are. And today he is of course still vulnerable - but he's turning into such a real person. He laughs, and "sings", and tells me things ... he looks at me, and tries to communicate with me in his way - and he is so, so, so beautiful. Big eyes, and beautiful skin, perfect nose, beautiful little lips, long eyelashes. I love him so, so much.

I should probably file this post under "loony mom musings", good grief.

In other news, I am still pumping - longingly looking at the finish line (6 months is the goal!) but yet, it will be hard for me to hang up the horns. I have mixed feelings about going all formula (nothing wrong with it! my feelings are my own and based on everything I've gone through - see previous post!) So we'll see. I'll definitely drop a pump in a month .. and then another pump .. and see where I end up. I want the time back and it cuts right into the middle of our mornings - and that's my biggest chunk of time that I have with him as I leave for work at 12:30pm. I want to take leisurely stroller walks and not have to rush home to pump and live my life in 4 hour increments. So something's gotta give .. I hope I can let it go and be peaceful with it.

That's all I got! New pics coming soon. :-)