Goodbye 2009

Another holiday season come and gone. A new year upon us. It's going so fast.

My resolutions ... write more. Yes, I've said so before - but this time I mean it. I am really struggling these days with being a working mom. I knew it would be a struggle - before I even had Jack. I didn't know exactly how it would feel - but I figured it would suck. It does. I am constantly whirling around in my mind - trying to figure out how to juggle finances and work less - while not totally fucking up our lives in the process. I have not reached a great answer yet. And have been feeling bad about myself in the process (mid-life crisis?) - wondering - why I'm not more successful (yes I've won some awards but recently had a semi-crappy review at work - it's not the crappy review, hello, it was bullshit, basically me getting blamed for not doing enough to help a HORRIBLE IDIOT who never should have been hired and was a complete lying FAILURE. So, not the review itself - but the fact that I was even BEING reviewed. By someone who can go eff herself, truly, for all I care. Someone who's opinion I do not respect, personally or professionally - yet have to pay attention to at least in some small part so as not to get, well, fired. Except that I want to get fired. Well, laid off. Not fired.) But I digress..

Back to being a working mom - it's tough. Not just for me, for millions of moms. I know there are some who love it - but on the baby boards that I frequent - I just cringe in sadness when I see yet another mom headed back to work after maternity leave, crying, hurting, hating to leave her baby. Such is life I suppose. And it can always be worse. But that it can be worse - doesn't make what it IS - better.

So I have always thought of myself as a talented writer ... although lately in my morass of feeling bad about myself I question - how talented? and even - talented at all? or - enough? I don't know. But letting fear hold one back is lame (unless fear is holding you back from doing something dangerous. In that case - not lame. Smart!)

This blog is going to change too. I haven't written a lot of what I've wanted to write here - because I think of it as my infertility and subsequently my baby blog. And it is that - but I see it becoming more of my "me" blog too. Not always baby related - except for the fact that truly, my life revolves around my baby, and so everything I do, every decision I make, is in some way related to his well being.

But it's about to get more raw here. More swear-ey. More real. More me. And I'm not even sure I HAVE any readers left - I never had the legions that some infertility blogs have anyway. But I have still found myself not writing certain things, certain opinions - about parenting or specifically attachment parenting for example - for fear that I will offend folks who may read this blog.

I'm not going to do that anymore. I am going to share my opinions, offensive though some of them may be to others. And I hope that those who disagree won't be (terribly) offended, or take anything I say personally. I have some strong beliefs that have developed over time, as I've grown into being a parent. And boy if there is one touchy subject for a mama - it's whether or not she's a good parent! But the opinions and beliefs I will share here in the coming year are mine - and I am not so closed minded to not know there is more than one way to skin a cat (GROSS AND HORRIBLE ANALOGY) or successfully raise a child. So we will have to agree to disagree sometimes. And really, as I don't think anyone reads this poor neglected blog anymore - who cares? Hello? Is this thing on?

So here I am as 2010 commences. At a personal and professional crossroads - in need of some sort of outlet. A place to bounce ideas around - even off of my own head. A place to find myself again - to figure out where I'm headed and if that's even a place I want to go.

I have felt sort of lost over the past several months. Unsure. What is the right decision? How will it affect my son? My marriage? Should I leave my job? And do ... what?

I hope to find answers - or even some good clues - in the coming months. So Happy New Year to me. One thing is certain, time will pass, no matter what. In a little less than a year, we'll all ring in 2011. If you ARE still with me - my hope for me - and you - is a good year. Of growth - and happiness. Good decisions. Peace. Love. Joy. Hey why not, right?