Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Goodbye 2009

Another holiday season come and gone. A new year upon us. It's going so fast.

My resolutions ... write more. Yes, I've said so before - but this time I mean it. I am really struggling these days with being a working mom. I knew it would be a struggle - before I even had Jack. I didn't know exactly how it would feel - but I figured it would suck. It does. I am constantly whirling around in my mind - trying to figure out how to juggle finances and work less - while not totally fucking up our lives in the process. I have not reached a great answer yet. And have been feeling bad about myself in the process (mid-life crisis?) - wondering - why I'm not more successful (yes I've won some awards but recently had a semi-crappy review at work - it's not the crappy review, hello, it was bullshit, basically me getting blamed for not doing enough to help a HORRIBLE IDIOT who never should have been hired and was a complete lying FAILURE. So, not the review itself - but the fact that I was even BEING reviewed. By someone who can go eff herself, truly, for all I care. Someone who's opinion I do not respect, personally or professionally - yet have to pay attention to at least in some small part so as not to get, well, fired. Except that I want to get fired. Well, laid off. Not fired.) But I digress..

Back to being a working mom - it's tough. Not just for me, for millions of moms. I know there are some who love it - but on the baby boards that I frequent - I just cringe in sadness when I see yet another mom headed back to work after maternity leave, crying, hurting, hating to leave her baby. Such is life I suppose. And it can always be worse. But that it can be worse - doesn't make what it IS - better.

So I have always thought of myself as a talented writer ... although lately in my morass of feeling bad about myself I question - how talented? and even - talented at all? or - enough? I don't know. But letting fear hold one back is lame (unless fear is holding you back from doing something dangerous. In that case - not lame. Smart!)

This blog is going to change too. I haven't written a lot of what I've wanted to write here - because I think of it as my infertility and subsequently my baby blog. And it is that - but I see it becoming more of my "me" blog too. Not always baby related - except for the fact that truly, my life revolves around my baby, and so everything I do, every decision I make, is in some way related to his well being.

But it's about to get more raw here. More swear-ey. More real. More me. And I'm not even sure I HAVE any readers left - I never had the legions that some infertility blogs have anyway. But I have still found myself not writing certain things, certain opinions - about parenting or specifically attachment parenting for example - for fear that I will offend folks who may read this blog.

I'm not going to do that anymore. I am going to share my opinions, offensive though some of them may be to others. And I hope that those who disagree won't be (terribly) offended, or take anything I say personally. I have some strong beliefs that have developed over time, as I've grown into being a parent. And boy if there is one touchy subject for a mama - it's whether or not she's a good parent! But the opinions and beliefs I will share here in the coming year are mine - and I am not so closed minded to not know there is more than one way to skin a cat (GROSS AND HORRIBLE ANALOGY) or successfully raise a child. So we will have to agree to disagree sometimes. And really, as I don't think anyone reads this poor neglected blog anymore - who cares? Hello? Is this thing on?

So here I am as 2010 commences. At a personal and professional crossroads - in need of some sort of outlet. A place to bounce ideas around - even off of my own head. A place to find myself again - to figure out where I'm headed and if that's even a place I want to go.

I have felt sort of lost over the past several months. Unsure. What is the right decision? How will it affect my son? My marriage? Should I leave my job? And do ... what?

I hope to find answers - or even some good clues - in the coming months. So Happy New Year to me. One thing is certain, time will pass, no matter what. In a little less than a year, we'll all ring in 2011. If you ARE still with me - my hope for me - and you - is a good year. Of growth - and happiness. Good decisions. Peace. Love. Joy. Hey why not, right?


Anonymous said...

I have quietly read your blog for some time now as one who was not successful achieving pregnancy, but who has always appreciated your take on things. Best of luck in your journey to peace and all the best to you in 2010.

Leah Spring said...

I don't know how long I've been reading here. Since you were early in you pregnancy, I think. Anyway, that's what blogging is all about. Being REAL, being YOU, and expressing YOUR opinions. It's a place where, unlike an online forum, nobody can moderate YOUR thoughts. I have private blogs that my extended family does not have access to, and a different one that ONLY family has access to, and then I have my every day, let-me-vent-to-the-world blog! LOL But, this is YOUR blog, and you can do whatever you want on it. If you want a good example of speaking your mind about ANYTHING, read the Bloggess! http://thebloggess.com/ So, feel free to step INTO or OUT OF your comfort zone!

Meghan said...

This is one of the best lines I have read in awhile: "But that it can be worse - doesn't make what it IS - better" I need to remember that.

Looking forward to reading the real you

ONE OUT OF SIX said...

Oh my! I guess some of you DO still visit me! Hi!!

And anonymous - as you have quietly read my blog - I quietly hurt for you. I'm sorry it did not happen. Life can be so unfair. Best of luck in your journey, whatever path you have decided to follow - and best to YOU in 2010 as well.

Rachel said...

I'm still here :)

Jennifer said...

I'm still reading, and now I'm looking forward to the evolution of your blog. I know from the boards that I usually love what you have to say when you speak up. I'm bored of my own blog. Maybe you'll inspire me to do something fresh.

Jen said...

I've also kept up with your blog. I came here over a year ago because I also suffer from a clotting disorder and dealt with that throughout pregnancy. I'm happy to say I am now the very proud mother of a 3 month old. I am also not so proud to say this is my first full week back to work and our little Jack's first full week of daycare (granted part time). So the following line really hit home and couldn't be more true. "But that it can be worse - doesn't make what it IS - better"

I look forward to reading more of your blog in the coming year. I also need to get back to adding content to my own blog. :)

~kristin~ said...

I think it's a great idea and a very important one - to find yourself again and get your thoughts together and write, which you enjoy and are fabulous at - it's all very good. I look forward to reading it. :)