How is it that my little baby will be 5 months old this week? I still feel like this all "just happened" - but in many ways - his "newbornhood" feels like a million years ago. I was looking at newborn pics the other day and cried - because that tiny baby is gone forever - I will never hold him again (newborn Jack that is - certainly I'll hold Jack again for as long as he'll let me!) But that newborn baby ... he is like mist who slipped away - I was so busy, so stressed, so tired, so hormonal, so steeped in the throes of baby blues and breastfeeding problems and so overwhelmed ... it's a blur his newbornhood. A blur. I feel like I remember it in bits and pieces (and this sounds loony given it wasn't 5 years ago, but only 5 MONTHS ago - but it truly is a blur.) And the thing is - I didn't really "know" Jack at that point, I had just met him, he was a stranger to me - albeit a stranger I knew I already loved as I had felt him moving around inside me for several months prior to his birth. But I didn't know him then the way I know him now - and now that I know him - I want to go back and hold him as a newborn. I was so "afraid" of him - and I loved him but not with the fierceness that I do now. Were I to hold him as a newborn now - actually I'm not sure I could handle how much I'd love him given how tiny and SO vulnerable newborns are. And today he is of course still vulnerable - but he's turning into such a real person. He laughs, and "sings", and tells me things ... he looks at me, and tries to communicate with me in his way - and he is so, so, so beautiful. Big eyes, and beautiful skin, perfect nose, beautiful little lips, long eyelashes. I love him so, so much.
I should probably file this post under "loony mom musings", good grief.
In other news, I am still pumping - longingly looking at the finish line (6 months is the goal!) but yet, it will be hard for me to hang up the horns. I have mixed feelings about going all formula (nothing wrong with it! my feelings are my own and based on everything I've gone through - see previous post!) So we'll see. I'll definitely drop a pump in a month .. and then another pump .. and see where I end up. I want the time back and it cuts right into the middle of our mornings - and that's my biggest chunk of time that I have with him as I leave for work at 12:30pm. I want to take leisurely stroller walks and not have to rush home to pump and live my life in 4 hour increments. So something's gotta give .. I hope I can let it go and be peaceful with it.
That's all I got! New pics coming soon. :-)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Breastfeeding aka My Sad Tale of Woe
In my family - babies are breastfed. It's pretty simple. I have two older sisters - who have given birth to 9 children between them (one has 3, one has six. No fertility problems there!) After giving birth - baby is put to breast - and that's that. There are no visits to lactation consultants .. there are no tears .. there is no supplementing with formula .. there is just the "simple" act of breastfeeding and away we go.
And so - when I was pregnant - I fully expected to breastfeed my child. It was a given. I would never feed my child formula - such a thing was just not done in my world. My two sisters, breastfeeding champions the both of them, in fact looked down on formula feeders .. thought of them as lazy or less giving to their child .. an opinion I had grown to share since I KNEW I would breastfeed my lucky little baby...
Yeah. Well. Then my baby was born with a condition called "ANKYLOGLOSSIA" - or - "tongue-tie". Basically - it's a condition that results in a short frenulum - that tiny piece of tissue under your tongue that sort of anchors your tongue to the floor of your mouth. Jack's extended all the way to the tip of his tongue. And prevented him from being able to extend his tongue past the tip of his teeth. Breastfeeding and tongue tie don't go so well together. The baby's tongue is an important component of successful breastfeeding and successful latch. I knew none of this. Had never heard of tongue tie - had no idea what was around the corner...
The day Jack was born - my husband was great, he was very successful in gently nudging everyone to HURRY UP so that Jack could be at my breast within one hour of my C-section - that was the magic number - under an hour!! - for successful latch. I had Jack at the boob within 59 minutes of his birth. And - he latched on - and started sucking. It was so cool. And I was so happy. The midwife who had come to my C-section as a support person was thrilled - said it's rare for C-section babies to latch on so easily - and left shortly thereafter.
My C-section was on a Monday. By Wednesday - my nipples were raw and starting to bleed. By Thursday - they were forming black scabs and nursing had become very painful. I saw the hospital lactation consultants every day. It wasn't until my last day in the hospital that one of them suggested that Jack was tongue tied - and that it was having a negative impact on our attempts to breastfeed.
Well I don't mess around. We left the hospital on a Thursday - had his first out of hospital pediatrician visit that Friday morning - got the name of an ear, nose & throat specialist - and had Jack in HIS office Friday afternoon - at which time the tongue tie was corrected. Basically, they clipped the frenulum - so that he would have greater freedom of movement. He was 4 days old. My little baby. But we did it in an attempt to save our breastfeeding relationship - and also because from what we read about tongue-tie - breastfeeding was not the only issue. Speech impediments - and physical discomfort can also result from tongue-tie. So having it corrected seemed like a good idea all around (and I still think it was.)
By Saturday - breastfeeding was still painful - moving rapidly toward excruciating - and I started making calls. I called the Breastfeeding Center in my town .. I called the county Breastfeeding helpline .. finally I got a call back. It was suggested to me that I be seen at the Breastfeeding Center - and that I get a prescription for something called All Purpose Nipple Ointment. I got the ointment later that day and started using it - and made an appointment at the breastfeeding center for the following Monday.
Oh - I should mention too that on that Saturday - Jack was NOT interested in nursing. He was very, very sleepy, somewhat jaundiced, and probably in a little pain from having the frenulum clipped the day before. My milk had sort of come in - but wasn't terribly impressive. I was getting worried - but still had no idea how worried I needed to be.
OK you know what - this is getting too long. So I'm going to speed it up.
Things continued to go downhill. My boobs were a mess - Jack lost too much weight - we ended up in Children's Hospital for 4 days. THAT was awful. AWFUL. No one knew what was wrong with him because it seemed he just could not gain weight - even after we started supplementing A LOT with formula. I thought he was going to die. But on the 3rd day there he started to gain and then just took off. Thank God.
Back to my boobs - it would later turn out I was allergic to the "magic" ointment (no one figured that out until I'd been using it for several weeks and it had done a ton of damage to my boobs) - before that - at 2 weeks old I had to take Jack off of the breast and start exclusively pumping (or EP'ing) in spite of the idiot pediatrician who not only told me to stop breastfeeding but ALSO told me to stop pumping (as if it had ANYTHING to do with her but I was exhausted and vulnerable and listened to her - thank God a nurse at the midwife center spoke with me later the same day and convinced me to continue pumping - I would have been so angry down the road had I listened to that IDIOT pediatrician) - time went on - my boobs didn't heal - I ended with misdiagnosed mastitis, was given antibiotics, got thrush - more burning, pain & itching ensued .. then a few weeks later I got REAL mastitis - sick as a damn dog - more antibiotics - more thrush.
Finally - when Jack was a little over 8 weeks old - I was diagnosed as being allergic to the ointment and stopped using it for good - I also did a 2 week course of diflucan (that I had to beg my midwife for a prescription for, she was REALLLY leery of it) and it knocked out the thrush - and for the first time since my son was born - at around 10 weeks of age - the last sore healed over (and left a nice purple keloid scar on my nipple as a souvenir) and I could pump without pain.
There is so much more to this story - bad advice - missteps - but suffice to say - I learned A LOT. If there's a next time .. boy will I approach it differently.
I also learned that breastfeeding CAN go terribly wrong - that it can be really hard - and that it is just not for everybody. And that judging people who don't breastfeed is very stupid - because you NEVER know somebody's reasons and some people just don't want to breastfeed and that's OK. It's not the only great thing you can do for your baby and there's a lot more to raising a child than starting him or her out on the boob. And formula is not poison. (Edited to add: And my sisters, the breastfeeding champs, have learned this too. And changed THEIR attitudes as well.)
I am really glad I'm still pumping. Jack is 16 weeks old today. I never thought I'd make it this far - and my new goal is 6 months. I don't have a full milk supply (that's the "more to the story" that I'm too tired to even get into) - I pump about 20 ounces a day so Jack gets 4 breastmilk bottles of around 5 ounces each and 2 formula bottles around 6 ounces each - and if he wants more food he gets more formula, and I am fine with this. I'm doing the best I can. What more can a mom do, really?
And so - when I was pregnant - I fully expected to breastfeed my child. It was a given. I would never feed my child formula - such a thing was just not done in my world. My two sisters, breastfeeding champions the both of them, in fact looked down on formula feeders .. thought of them as lazy or less giving to their child .. an opinion I had grown to share since I KNEW I would breastfeed my lucky little baby...
Yeah. Well. Then my baby was born with a condition called "ANKYLOGLOSSIA" - or - "tongue-tie". Basically - it's a condition that results in a short frenulum - that tiny piece of tissue under your tongue that sort of anchors your tongue to the floor of your mouth. Jack's extended all the way to the tip of his tongue. And prevented him from being able to extend his tongue past the tip of his teeth. Breastfeeding and tongue tie don't go so well together. The baby's tongue is an important component of successful breastfeeding and successful latch. I knew none of this. Had never heard of tongue tie - had no idea what was around the corner...
The day Jack was born - my husband was great, he was very successful in gently nudging everyone to HURRY UP so that Jack could be at my breast within one hour of my C-section - that was the magic number - under an hour!! - for successful latch. I had Jack at the boob within 59 minutes of his birth. And - he latched on - and started sucking. It was so cool. And I was so happy. The midwife who had come to my C-section as a support person was thrilled - said it's rare for C-section babies to latch on so easily - and left shortly thereafter.
My C-section was on a Monday. By Wednesday - my nipples were raw and starting to bleed. By Thursday - they were forming black scabs and nursing had become very painful. I saw the hospital lactation consultants every day. It wasn't until my last day in the hospital that one of them suggested that Jack was tongue tied - and that it was having a negative impact on our attempts to breastfeed.
Well I don't mess around. We left the hospital on a Thursday - had his first out of hospital pediatrician visit that Friday morning - got the name of an ear, nose & throat specialist - and had Jack in HIS office Friday afternoon - at which time the tongue tie was corrected. Basically, they clipped the frenulum - so that he would have greater freedom of movement. He was 4 days old. My little baby. But we did it in an attempt to save our breastfeeding relationship - and also because from what we read about tongue-tie - breastfeeding was not the only issue. Speech impediments - and physical discomfort can also result from tongue-tie. So having it corrected seemed like a good idea all around (and I still think it was.)
By Saturday - breastfeeding was still painful - moving rapidly toward excruciating - and I started making calls. I called the Breastfeeding Center in my town .. I called the county Breastfeeding helpline .. finally I got a call back. It was suggested to me that I be seen at the Breastfeeding Center - and that I get a prescription for something called All Purpose Nipple Ointment. I got the ointment later that day and started using it - and made an appointment at the breastfeeding center for the following Monday.
Oh - I should mention too that on that Saturday - Jack was NOT interested in nursing. He was very, very sleepy, somewhat jaundiced, and probably in a little pain from having the frenulum clipped the day before. My milk had sort of come in - but wasn't terribly impressive. I was getting worried - but still had no idea how worried I needed to be.
OK you know what - this is getting too long. So I'm going to speed it up.
Things continued to go downhill. My boobs were a mess - Jack lost too much weight - we ended up in Children's Hospital for 4 days. THAT was awful. AWFUL. No one knew what was wrong with him because it seemed he just could not gain weight - even after we started supplementing A LOT with formula. I thought he was going to die. But on the 3rd day there he started to gain and then just took off. Thank God.
Back to my boobs - it would later turn out I was allergic to the "magic" ointment (no one figured that out until I'd been using it for several weeks and it had done a ton of damage to my boobs) - before that - at 2 weeks old I had to take Jack off of the breast and start exclusively pumping (or EP'ing) in spite of the idiot pediatrician who not only told me to stop breastfeeding but ALSO told me to stop pumping (as if it had ANYTHING to do with her but I was exhausted and vulnerable and listened to her - thank God a nurse at the midwife center spoke with me later the same day and convinced me to continue pumping - I would have been so angry down the road had I listened to that IDIOT pediatrician) - time went on - my boobs didn't heal - I ended with misdiagnosed mastitis, was given antibiotics, got thrush - more burning, pain & itching ensued .. then a few weeks later I got REAL mastitis - sick as a damn dog - more antibiotics - more thrush.
Finally - when Jack was a little over 8 weeks old - I was diagnosed as being allergic to the ointment and stopped using it for good - I also did a 2 week course of diflucan (that I had to beg my midwife for a prescription for, she was REALLLY leery of it) and it knocked out the thrush - and for the first time since my son was born - at around 10 weeks of age - the last sore healed over (and left a nice purple keloid scar on my nipple as a souvenir) and I could pump without pain.
There is so much more to this story - bad advice - missteps - but suffice to say - I learned A LOT. If there's a next time .. boy will I approach it differently.
I also learned that breastfeeding CAN go terribly wrong - that it can be really hard - and that it is just not for everybody. And that judging people who don't breastfeed is very stupid - because you NEVER know somebody's reasons and some people just don't want to breastfeed and that's OK. It's not the only great thing you can do for your baby and there's a lot more to raising a child than starting him or her out on the boob. And formula is not poison. (Edited to add: And my sisters, the breastfeeding champs, have learned this too. And changed THEIR attitudes as well.)
I am really glad I'm still pumping. Jack is 16 weeks old today. I never thought I'd make it this far - and my new goal is 6 months. I don't have a full milk supply (that's the "more to the story" that I'm too tired to even get into) - I pump about 20 ounces a day so Jack gets 4 breastmilk bottles of around 5 ounces each and 2 formula bottles around 6 ounces each - and if he wants more food he gets more formula, and I am fine with this. I'm doing the best I can. What more can a mom do, really?
Friday, February 27, 2009
Blogging Again
I don't know why I have paid so little attention to this blog over the last 14 weeks. Certainly life has been a whirlwind - bringing Jack into the world - taking Jack home after 4 days in the hospital - having breastfeeding go terribly, terribly wrong - ending up in Children's Hospital with Jack when he was 16 days old because he could not gain back the pound he lost after leaving the hospital - going BACK home with Jack - pumping intead of breastfeeding round the clock - quitting pumping 100 times .. but never really giving it up - finally getting an answer as to why my breasts were in such bad shape (after surviving weeks of open sores .. mastitis .. thrush .. and continued pain - we realized I was allergic to the famous All Purpose Nipple Ointment touted by breastfeeding expert Dr. Jack Newman. It's great stuff! If you're not totally allergic..) - OK where was I - trying to get into a rhythm with my baby - worrying that I wasn't "doing it right", whatever "it" is - getting so very little sleep (still haven't made tons of progress there - but we're making a little!) - discovering that Jack was a "hot" baby who was sweating big spots through his night clothes and swaddles - freaking out about the sweating and worrying SO MUCH that it was an indicator of SIDS - feeling fearful and anxious all the time that he could be lost to me (I can't even type out what I'm being euphemistic about here) - trying to maintain some kind of relationship with J (and usually failing miserably - we are best friends but in many ways very disconnected right now) - ignoring housekeeping and hating how messy my house is - finding that my relationship with my dogs has TOTALLY changed even though I swore I'd never be that type of person (who has a baby and then doesn't care about her dog(s) - it's not that I don't care - but I don't care as much, I hate to admit it) - wading through what feels like neverending drama and sadness with my family (when will we get a break? Maybe Jack's our happy break, I don't know)...
I guess THAT'S where the last 14 weeks have gone. But I could have been writing about it - should have been writing about it. Oh - not to mention I'm back at work now - and taking a 20 percent pay cut shortly having decided I CAN NOT work full-time anymore - so I am going down to 4 days a week and hoping it's not a ridiculously bad decision as in this economy - layoffs are always looming both at my company and at J's. But I can't be away from Jack 5 days a week. Truly - 4 days a week is too many as well - 3 would be more palatable - but we can't afford 3 right now. 4 is a stretch actually but I made one of my "leap and the net will appear" decisions and am just going for it. Screw it. It will have to work out. It's only money, right?
God it feels good to write about this stuff. REALLY good. I am such an idiot. This is such a good place for me put it all into words - all of my "stuff" and fears and failures and triumphs and total idiocy and smashing brilliance - and I've been, I don't know, noodling around on other websites .. lost in baby blues .. just totally distracted I guess. But I think I am back.
I love being a mom. I love my son. But I have definitely battled some blues. It was a long, dark winter - and I was very isolated. I didn't feel comfortable taking Jack out - for reasons including his immature immune system ... the possibility of a baby meltdown in public ... the difficulty of just getting ready and getting out of the house (what used to take 15 minutes now takes 45..) ... and also as an "Exclusive Pumper" (I'll blog about that next time perhaps) - I am tied to my pump every 4 hours. It really, really limits my ability to do outings of any length .. and it also has contributed to my wasting a lot of time on the internet (not here - but on other sites that require nothing but mindless participation - or non-participation.) I find much of the work that goes along with new mommy hood to be draining - the bottles (washing, sterilizing) - laundry - pumping ... and when I have a free moment - I don't spend it very wisely. I'm realizing this today because a good friend has just "quit" one of the sites I waste a lot of time on. Her doing so has really made me look at how I've been spending time on-line too. I don't think blogging here is a waste of time - quite the opposite. I need to be doing this - especially as I am hoping to get back into writing - freelance writing - something I used to do and used to make a little money doing! But I keep putting off a lot of what I think I'd like to be doing or should be doing - and my life doesn't change (well, except for the whole I HAVE A BABY thing.) But the whole I have a baby thing is a factor here .. recently I was especially struck by the fact that I was ill prepared to deal with having to make money, while being a mom. As my maternity leave came to an end recently - I felt like a failure. Like I hadn't planned correctly - hadn't realized I'd really have to go back to work. It was a day I had dreaded since long before I ever got pregnant - and I'd had so much time to figure out a better plan - and had not.
So I need to figure one out now. Going part-time - down to 4 days a week - is a step in the right direction. Now, I need to figure out how to only work 3 days a week - without making any less money. And how to really "own" my life - rather than selling myself - short - to others. And doing work that truly, I find boring. And that requires me to spend far too much time away from home.
So, yeah, that's what happened. ha! And I'm back now.
Big blog entry about my breastfeeding comeuppance - and my decision to exclusively pump (and supplement with GASP formula - something I equated with poison before I was forced to come down off my high horse and feed it to my child) - next time.
It feels good to blog again! Even if just for myself, for now...
And here's a few pics for anyone who hasn't totally and completely abandoned this blog...
Jungle Jack!
Sleepy First Neighborhood Stroller Ride!
mmmm.. hands ... Nom nom nom!
:-)
I guess THAT'S where the last 14 weeks have gone. But I could have been writing about it - should have been writing about it. Oh - not to mention I'm back at work now - and taking a 20 percent pay cut shortly having decided I CAN NOT work full-time anymore - so I am going down to 4 days a week and hoping it's not a ridiculously bad decision as in this economy - layoffs are always looming both at my company and at J's. But I can't be away from Jack 5 days a week. Truly - 4 days a week is too many as well - 3 would be more palatable - but we can't afford 3 right now. 4 is a stretch actually but I made one of my "leap and the net will appear" decisions and am just going for it. Screw it. It will have to work out. It's only money, right?
God it feels good to write about this stuff. REALLY good. I am such an idiot. This is such a good place for me put it all into words - all of my "stuff" and fears and failures and triumphs and total idiocy and smashing brilliance - and I've been, I don't know, noodling around on other websites .. lost in baby blues .. just totally distracted I guess. But I think I am back.
I love being a mom. I love my son. But I have definitely battled some blues. It was a long, dark winter - and I was very isolated. I didn't feel comfortable taking Jack out - for reasons including his immature immune system ... the possibility of a baby meltdown in public ... the difficulty of just getting ready and getting out of the house (what used to take 15 minutes now takes 45..) ... and also as an "Exclusive Pumper" (I'll blog about that next time perhaps) - I am tied to my pump every 4 hours. It really, really limits my ability to do outings of any length .. and it also has contributed to my wasting a lot of time on the internet (not here - but on other sites that require nothing but mindless participation - or non-participation.) I find much of the work that goes along with new mommy hood to be draining - the bottles (washing, sterilizing) - laundry - pumping ... and when I have a free moment - I don't spend it very wisely. I'm realizing this today because a good friend has just "quit" one of the sites I waste a lot of time on. Her doing so has really made me look at how I've been spending time on-line too. I don't think blogging here is a waste of time - quite the opposite. I need to be doing this - especially as I am hoping to get back into writing - freelance writing - something I used to do and used to make a little money doing! But I keep putting off a lot of what I think I'd like to be doing or should be doing - and my life doesn't change (well, except for the whole I HAVE A BABY thing.) But the whole I have a baby thing is a factor here .. recently I was especially struck by the fact that I was ill prepared to deal with having to make money, while being a mom. As my maternity leave came to an end recently - I felt like a failure. Like I hadn't planned correctly - hadn't realized I'd really have to go back to work. It was a day I had dreaded since long before I ever got pregnant - and I'd had so much time to figure out a better plan - and had not.
So I need to figure one out now. Going part-time - down to 4 days a week - is a step in the right direction. Now, I need to figure out how to only work 3 days a week - without making any less money. And how to really "own" my life - rather than selling myself - short - to others. And doing work that truly, I find boring. And that requires me to spend far too much time away from home.
So, yeah, that's what happened. ha! And I'm back now.
Big blog entry about my breastfeeding comeuppance - and my decision to exclusively pump (and supplement with GASP formula - something I equated with poison before I was forced to come down off my high horse and feed it to my child) - next time.
It feels good to blog again! Even if just for myself, for now...
And here's a few pics for anyone who hasn't totally and completely abandoned this blog...
Jungle Jack!
Sleepy First Neighborhood Stroller Ride!
mmmm.. hands ... Nom nom nom!
:-)
Friday, February 6, 2009
Hello stranger...
I really, really have not forgotten about this blog. My son is almost 12 weeks old - and it has been a whirlwind. I go back to work on Monday and am crushed .. I hope to go part-time in the very near future. I cannot work full-time away from Jack. I really can't. I hope J and I can make it work financially. I will have more time to post, ironically, once I'm at work! But for now .. here are some pictures of my beautiful, beautiful son.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Jack's Birth
OK .. so here's what happened...
After trying to get some sleep the night before .. John and I got up at 4am on Monday, November 17, with the goal of getting to the hospital at 5:30am for 7:30am surgery. I was strangely calm the night before - but still dopplered Jack one last time to make sure his heart was beating. The morning of the C-section, I was nervous, and part of me wondered if we'd even have the section - could Jack have turned?? Maybe that was his butt up by my ribs and not his head? We'd find out once we got to the hospital.
We pulled together the last of our things and headed out the door at 5am. We made it to the hospital by 5:30 - and pulled into the emergency entrance (as instructed.) We told the guard I was having a baby, and they were waiting for us upstairs. He got me a wheelchair and I got in. I was holding my belly - one of the last times I'd do so with Jack inside - and the guard said "Oh, look at her she is READY." He thought I was in labor. I didn't correct him, just smiled. And as it turned out ... I was in the beginning stages of labor! Once they got me on the monitors upstairs, I was having mild contractions, which made me really happy. The timing was right. It was time for Jack to be born. A quick ultrasound confirmed that Jack was indeed still breech. I was actually a little taken aback. I think something like "holy shiit, I'm having a freakin' C-section at 7:30 went through my head..."
It wasn't clear exactly who was doing my surgery. I wanted Dr. T ... but was told it might be Dr. G. I started to cry. Dr. G. had never been anything but totally grumpy to us. But thankfully - all of a sudden - Dr. T. came strolling through the door and I lit up like a Christmas tree. Dr. T. is the back up high risk doctor for my midwives and just such a great person. Great doctor, great guy. I was happy again. But NERVOUS!!
John and I hung out while they continued to monitor Jack, who was doing just fine. Dr. T. patted my belly and said "see you soon Jack!" and soon - it was time to head to the OR. John suited up in his scrubs but was not allowed in for the spinal. I was very scared of the spinal ... but Dr. T. stood right in front of me as I hunched over for the initial lidocaine injection and rubbed my shoulders and literally HUGGED me like a dad and told me how great I was doing. I breathed deeply in and out. They said the lidocaine would sting but it didn't really phase me after giving myself two lovenox injections a day for the last bazillion months in order to stay healthy and pregnant. Then, it was time for the spinal. A resident named Rachel administered it with the attending standing right beside her. Earlier, I had asked her "do you do a lot of spinals? How do you feel about mine? You feel good? You excited?" ha ha!! I wanted to make sure she knew where to stick that friggin' thing!! She did great though - and soon I felt weird and numb and they laid me down. They did NOT strap my arms down, honoring my C-section birth plan request. I thought that was very cool. And though my birth plan had requested no students - there were some in the room. I was OK with it. At that point, I just wanted to get it going and get it OVER with and be OK and have the baby be OK.
John came in once I was laying down - I had an oxygen mask on which was freaking me out but I focused on staying calm. My midwife, Kathy, there as a support person could see that John was freaked out and calmly said "John, you'll sit right here" and plopped him on a stool by my head. The surgery began and they did NOT mess around - Dr. T. is known for his FAST C-sections. I could feel A LOT of pressure but no pain. I did feel nauseous though and kept saying "Rachel, I feel nauseous" and she'd up my anti-nausea meds in my IV. She managed to keep me from puking, so she did a good job!
I could hear surgery chatter but felt pretty out of it and disconnected. Although I did say at the beginning "remember he has a big head, make sure you make room!" So typical of me - giving the surgeon last minute instructions! I am so controlling ... ha!
At one point I knew they were pulling him out and I could feel them sort of wrestling to get him out. I said in a small voice "is everything OK?" and John assured me that it was. He told me later he was sweating and so scared for me. Not the baby - for me. Hearing that reminded me how much he loves me. (OK, that just made me teary-eyed.)
At 7:54am - Jack Clifton was born. He filled the air with lusty cries immediately! I could hear him and just could NOT believe it. I think my midwife said "mom wants to see her baby" and they brought him around the corner. I looked and saw this BIG baby crying away and couldn't believe it. I burst into tears - relief, joy, so many emotions. Unfortunately, I still felt pretty out of it - and nauseous. I said to John "go with the baby." I wanted him to be with the baby while I got sewn up and while they examined Jack. He told me later he went and stood by awkwardly until someone said "you can touch him" and not knowing what to do he sort of patted Jack's head. ha ha!! So cute.
As they got ready to wheel me out - they brought Jack to me, briefly, all swaddled up. I honestly don't really remember this - but we have a picture! So I know it happened. They then took him back for more whatever and wheeled me to recovery. I hoped to have Jack at my breast within an hour of the surgery and lo and behold - 59 minutes after the surgery - there he was - and we put him to my breast. He latched on immediately. I later found out that John was the driving force behind the effort to get Jack to me within an hour - as it usually takes longer. He kept saying, Alicia wants to nurse within an hour (I have trained him well) and I guess he bugged everyone so much they finally gave in!
Finally, we were all together. A family of three. The end of my wonderful, scary, miraculous pregnancy - and the beginning of our new lives together.
After trying to get some sleep the night before .. John and I got up at 4am on Monday, November 17, with the goal of getting to the hospital at 5:30am for 7:30am surgery. I was strangely calm the night before - but still dopplered Jack one last time to make sure his heart was beating. The morning of the C-section, I was nervous, and part of me wondered if we'd even have the section - could Jack have turned?? Maybe that was his butt up by my ribs and not his head? We'd find out once we got to the hospital.
We pulled together the last of our things and headed out the door at 5am. We made it to the hospital by 5:30 - and pulled into the emergency entrance (as instructed.) We told the guard I was having a baby, and they were waiting for us upstairs. He got me a wheelchair and I got in. I was holding my belly - one of the last times I'd do so with Jack inside - and the guard said "Oh, look at her she is READY." He thought I was in labor. I didn't correct him, just smiled. And as it turned out ... I was in the beginning stages of labor! Once they got me on the monitors upstairs, I was having mild contractions, which made me really happy. The timing was right. It was time for Jack to be born. A quick ultrasound confirmed that Jack was indeed still breech. I was actually a little taken aback. I think something like "holy shiit, I'm having a freakin' C-section at 7:30 went through my head..."
It wasn't clear exactly who was doing my surgery. I wanted Dr. T ... but was told it might be Dr. G. I started to cry. Dr. G. had never been anything but totally grumpy to us. But thankfully - all of a sudden - Dr. T. came strolling through the door and I lit up like a Christmas tree. Dr. T. is the back up high risk doctor for my midwives and just such a great person. Great doctor, great guy. I was happy again. But NERVOUS!!
John and I hung out while they continued to monitor Jack, who was doing just fine. Dr. T. patted my belly and said "see you soon Jack!" and soon - it was time to head to the OR. John suited up in his scrubs but was not allowed in for the spinal. I was very scared of the spinal ... but Dr. T. stood right in front of me as I hunched over for the initial lidocaine injection and rubbed my shoulders and literally HUGGED me like a dad and told me how great I was doing. I breathed deeply in and out. They said the lidocaine would sting but it didn't really phase me after giving myself two lovenox injections a day for the last bazillion months in order to stay healthy and pregnant. Then, it was time for the spinal. A resident named Rachel administered it with the attending standing right beside her. Earlier, I had asked her "do you do a lot of spinals? How do you feel about mine? You feel good? You excited?" ha ha!! I wanted to make sure she knew where to stick that friggin' thing!! She did great though - and soon I felt weird and numb and they laid me down. They did NOT strap my arms down, honoring my C-section birth plan request. I thought that was very cool. And though my birth plan had requested no students - there were some in the room. I was OK with it. At that point, I just wanted to get it going and get it OVER with and be OK and have the baby be OK.
John came in once I was laying down - I had an oxygen mask on which was freaking me out but I focused on staying calm. My midwife, Kathy, there as a support person could see that John was freaked out and calmly said "John, you'll sit right here" and plopped him on a stool by my head. The surgery began and they did NOT mess around - Dr. T. is known for his FAST C-sections. I could feel A LOT of pressure but no pain. I did feel nauseous though and kept saying "Rachel, I feel nauseous" and she'd up my anti-nausea meds in my IV. She managed to keep me from puking, so she did a good job!
I could hear surgery chatter but felt pretty out of it and disconnected. Although I did say at the beginning "remember he has a big head, make sure you make room!" So typical of me - giving the surgeon last minute instructions! I am so controlling ... ha!
At one point I knew they were pulling him out and I could feel them sort of wrestling to get him out. I said in a small voice "is everything OK?" and John assured me that it was. He told me later he was sweating and so scared for me. Not the baby - for me. Hearing that reminded me how much he loves me. (OK, that just made me teary-eyed.)
At 7:54am - Jack Clifton was born. He filled the air with lusty cries immediately! I could hear him and just could NOT believe it. I think my midwife said "mom wants to see her baby" and they brought him around the corner. I looked and saw this BIG baby crying away and couldn't believe it. I burst into tears - relief, joy, so many emotions. Unfortunately, I still felt pretty out of it - and nauseous. I said to John "go with the baby." I wanted him to be with the baby while I got sewn up and while they examined Jack. He told me later he went and stood by awkwardly until someone said "you can touch him" and not knowing what to do he sort of patted Jack's head. ha ha!! So cute.
As they got ready to wheel me out - they brought Jack to me, briefly, all swaddled up. I honestly don't really remember this - but we have a picture! So I know it happened. They then took him back for more whatever and wheeled me to recovery. I hoped to have Jack at my breast within an hour of the surgery and lo and behold - 59 minutes after the surgery - there he was - and we put him to my breast. He latched on immediately. I later found out that John was the driving force behind the effort to get Jack to me within an hour - as it usually takes longer. He kept saying, Alicia wants to nurse within an hour (I have trained him well) and I guess he bugged everyone so much they finally gave in!
Finally, we were all together. A family of three. The end of my wonderful, scary, miraculous pregnancy - and the beginning of our new lives together.
Monday, November 24, 2008
JACK IS HERE!!
JACK CLIFTON IS HERE!! Born at 39 weeks on November 17, 2008 .. weighing in at 8 pounds, 11 ounces and 21 inches long. My big beautiful boy. It is indescribable. We are in love. Pics to come!!!
Friday, November 14, 2008
In less than 56 hours ..
.. God willing .. I'll have a baby! Jack will come into the world via Cesarean birth as he is big and breech and didn't wanna turn. I am getting over my disappointment over having a surgical birth - and am instead VERY excited to see my baby boy. I can't wait to see what he looks like .. and begin to learn who he is.
The next 56 hours can't go fast enough. Really and truly - we are ready to welcome Jack into the world (well .. I have one more Target run to make .. and some laundry to do this weekend .. and we have yet to pack our bag - ha ha!) But his room is done (it's so cute, I'll post a picture at some point), his clothes are washed, I have blankets, diapers, butt cream, and so much love waiting for him. He is such a wanted, wanted baby.
I love you Jack. I can't wait to meet you. I have been waiting for you all my life.
The next 56 hours can't go fast enough. Really and truly - we are ready to welcome Jack into the world (well .. I have one more Target run to make .. and some laundry to do this weekend .. and we have yet to pack our bag - ha ha!) But his room is done (it's so cute, I'll post a picture at some point), his clothes are washed, I have blankets, diapers, butt cream, and so much love waiting for him. He is such a wanted, wanted baby.
I love you Jack. I can't wait to meet you. I have been waiting for you all my life.
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