Double Digits

I feel like a bad blogger - not having updated in so long - but in my defense I try to start a new post the other day but blogger was down! So I didn't.

Truth is .. I don't have a lot to blog about. I feel like I'm pretty much holding my breath until May 12 - hoping that ultrasound shows that all is well - and that I'm still pregnant. Which, I assume I am, of course - but after infertility and pregnancy loss - well, it's hard not to let all of your worst fears dance across your brain occasionally. And then you worry that by allowing negative thoughts in your brain, negative things will happen, and so you quickly shoo them away, and replace them with loud thoughts that go something like this, "HEALTHY PREGNANCY! HEALTHY BABY!" And you hope that will appease the thought Gods. And that your baby is OK.

At least that's been my experience.

Physically - I'm fine. Have definitely experienced some nausea here and there - but then once it passes I doubt myself, and wonder if I imagined it, because feeling nauseous feels like proof of pregnancy. But I don't think I'm imagining it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I have felt quite lousy more than a few times over the past few weeks. Still having some cramping. Lots of pinching around 9 weeks. In fact - I had twinging/pinching/cramping for 2 and a half days around 9 weeks and was really pretty freaked out about it (of course) but it was never horribly painful and I had no spotting or bleeding - so hope that it was just stuff stretching - which seems to be the catch all explanation for just about every cramp and twinge and pinch you feel during the first 12 weeks of pregnancy.

So that's it. I'm fine. But still afraid. Really just biding my time until May 12 NT scan/ultrasound. We'll see how it goes .. and hopefully things will remain quiet for now. Quiet is fine. Right?