Heartbeat

I made it. I made it to today's ultrasound. And I wasn't even too horribly spazzy the night before - and though I felt like I was going to puke before the appointment this morning (and it was anxiety, not morning sickness) I did NOT puke. So that was good.

I drove to the appointment by myself - the plan was for J to meet me there since he had already gone into work earlier. I got to the office parking lot around 10:15am - appointment not until 10:30am. I sat in my car for five minutes and then decided that was dumb - so headed into the hospital where the office is located. Called J - he was there - parking his car. Took the elevator up to the fifth floor - got off - waited for J. Strolled over to a balcony overlooking an atrium and the hospital lobby. Looked over the railing - five stories down - felt dizzy - backed away. No J - so I headed back to the office to sign in - and then sat in the waiting room. He walked in a second later - gave me a kiss and we sat and held hands. My palms were sweating. Rachael Ray was on television - and, hoo boy, she is "something." Maybe I just wasn't in the mood for all that energy, given how anxious I felt.

Finally - after waiting for what felt like a REALLY long time - they called my name to go back for my ultrasound. J stayed in the waiting room - they don't have the husbands/partners come back right away - I have no idea why. But whatever. I followed the ultrasound tech back and admired her long curly hair that looked a little crispy (product related - not damage) and really - kind of 80's (it was pretty high on top) but she was working it so good for her!

I headed into the bathroom right off the ultrasound room to shed my jeans and underwear ... peed ... wrapped a sheet around my waist (I washed my hands first, of course!) ... and headed out to the ultrasound room and Curly was ... gone. OK. I sat on the exam table in my sheet and waited. Finally - she came back into the room and apologized - someone had grabbed her to ask her a question in another exam room while I was changing. No problem (except I was worried that J was going to get worried and wonder why no one was coming to get him.)

I laid down and put my feet in the stirrups - and Curly handed me the (trans-vaginal) wand so that I could do the honors - except I was so nervous that as I was reaching for the wand (awkwardly - since you're reaching under the sheet and trying not to wipe all the lube off on the sheet while doing so) one of my legs suddenly shot out and the stirrup shot out with it ... I nearly fell off the table.

"Sorry," I said. "I'm so nervous."

"It's OK," Curly replied. She slightly readjusted the stirrup and asked if I was OK with how they were positioned. I told her I was. (Even if I wasn't I would've lied - I was so embarrassed by my spastic-ness.)

We got started. Well - she got started. I just laid there. I could feel a tremor going through my body. I felt as if I might start shaking uncontrollably and tried to remember to breathe. This was it. I had already imagined and run through every scenario in my mind - well, mostly every worst case scenario. Which I am too superstitious to even type here. But you can imagine my fears. Would there be a heartbeat? Or would this day be - the end?

I could hear Curly pointing and clicking. This too seemed to go for a really long time. Finally, she said out loud, "Everything looks good."

"Is there activity?" I asked. "Yep," she replied. "I'll go get your husband so you guys can look at the screen together."

As soon as she said "yep" I had the biggest smile overtake my face - and big tears fill my eyes. I laid there waiting for her to bring J back and just said "Thank you God" over and over. And then I held my tummy and said, "I love you baby. You're such a good baby."

Curly and J came into the room and J whipped out his giant camera (he's a professional photographer) and started fiddling around with the flash! He walked by the screen before I had even seen it and said "I see it!" After he fiddled around for a few more seconds I was exasperated and said, "J!! You're holding up the show!" Curly laughed.

Finally - she turned the screen toward us and showed us the gestational sac ... the yolk sac ... and the tiny, pulsating .. baby. OK "baby" may sound like a stretch - but it was a baby. A little, unformed, tiny white blob of a baby - with a beating heart.

I asked about the heartrate - 120bpm. She said at this point they're looking for anything over 100 so 120 was great. (And given that it just started beating a few days ago - which is just so crazy to me) I think 120 was EXCELLENT. Good job baby!!

J snapped a bunch of pics - I'm sure I look absolutely hideous in all of them as I got very little sleep last night and had no make-up on, a puffy face, hair piled on top of my head and big fat tears in my eyes. But I don't care. I will put those pictures in the scrap book. They're from an important day.

Finally - we were done and we talked with a nurse. They discharged me (which actually I'm not thrilled about .. I wish they'd keep me a little longer but oh well. Heartbeat and don't let the door hit you in the ass! Now I have to figure out who my doctor is - and who's delivering my baby. That's a dilemma for another blog post.)

And then - we left. And I felt truly elated.

I have a million and one more worries. And certainly - it is still very early and by no means are we "out of the woods." But for today - I felt elated. I'm sure I'll be back to my spazzy, anxious self by Thursday morning. But today - was amazing. We saw our baby's heartbeat today.