Tuesday, January 15, 2008

BFN at 12dpiui ...

... and I'm starting to spot. It's not looking good friends.

I'll take one more test tonight - maybe one more in the morning (just to make sure - given that last time this happened I was pregnant - for like - a minute.) But I'll cover my bases and then I'm calling it a day. I have already grieved. I am very tired and sad. I don't understand why this is so hard for so many of us. Talk about life not being fair.

I am formulating a new plan for my next IUI (#3.) Here's what I'm thinking:

First - I'm going to take a month off. I'll still get acupuncture and we'll try on our own. But I'm not doing a medicated cycle again right away. I am actually of the mind that your body needs a break in between injectable cycles. I know I need one - mentally and physically. I am gross right now - bloated and have zits on my forehead from all the junk I've been either a) injecting or b) shoving up my hoo ha. So I need a break.

During my break - I will contact my RE's assistant (because he's impossible to get in touch with) and will relay this information to her regarding my next cycle:

Basically - I want a chance for more follies and bigger follies (I feel like one at 18mm and one at 16mm is not cutting it. I'm 36 - I'm old with old eggs! I need more targets!)

I want bloodwork OR an ultrasound morning before trigger - so we know I haven't a) already ovulated or b) lost all my follies - which is what I felt like happened this time. Morning of trigger - all my bloat - and "ovaries feel like grapefruits" side effects were suddenly ... gone. It just didn't feel right - at all. But I was seen day before .. not day of trigger (it was New Year's Day - one of the two days of the year they are not open.) That's not typical of my RE's office - the only reason I wasn't seen on trigger day was the holiday. But I'll make sure I am seen for b/w, u/s or both on day of trigger this time.

I'm also thinking I want two IUI's. Why not go for broke, right (literally.) It will be more expensive - but only by a few hundred bucks. I want a 12 hour post trigger IUI and a 36 hour post trigger IUI though ... not a 24 and a 48 (I don't think there's anything still happening with my follies after 48 hours.)

And finally, I want to see if they can slow me down at all - I respond SO fast - too fast, I think. So maybe we can try starting me off with a lower dose and INCREASING as needed rather than decreasing as needed.

This is where I am today. Hopes totally dashed for now. But formulating a "plan" makes me feel hopeful that next time might go better.

We cannot afford IVF. I'm not saying we won't go there ... I'm just saying we can't afford to. And while a failed IUI is bad enough - the thought of a failed IVF takes my breath away - for those (like me) paying out of pocket - the thought of losing all that money. Unthinkable.

But we're not there yet. IUI "worked" for me once, even though it ended badly - I have to continue hoping it will work again. Just not this time, I guess.

15 comments:

Meghan said...

So sorry for about your negative. Your plan sounds good, and sounds like you're a good advocate for yourself!

Hope said...

Sorry you are feeling so discouraged. All of this is so hard on all of us. Glad you have a plan of attack for the next cycle!!

Melisha said...

I never knew trying to get pregnant would be so physically and emotionally draining! I feel for you having been there so many times myself. Getting pregnant is so out of our control, that's the most frustrating part of it. Your plan for the next two cycles sounds great. You mentioned accupuncture for your next cycle. What does this do? Hang in there.....

Melisha

ONE OUT OF SIX said...

Melisha - having been getting acupuncture for almost a year now .. I'm not sure it does anything! ;-) Actually - I'm kidding - it has helped me O earlier (and more strongly, I think) in natural cycles - took me from 32 - 34 day cycles to closer to 29 or 30 day cycles. It also helps with stress - and I believe it has a positive impact on me overall physically. So it's part of my ongoing "improve my fertility" regimen - and I'll keep doing it as long as I'm TTC.

How are you doing? I hope all is well!

Lynn said...

I'm sorry to hear about the BFN (BUT you never know - I know plenty of people who were pregnant and spotted - implanation spotting and even later!).

I think I'm going to take a month off of "actively" trying as well. My husband I and are going to see the RE tomorrow, but I think I need a break before I can even get started. I've also heard of many people getting pregnant on a break. Just relaxing and BD'ing!

I sawmy second hemo today. Unlike the first hemo, he didn't feel strongly about putting me on Lovenox with hetero Factor V and hetero MTHFR (Melisha - I think this was the same as what the hemo told you), unless it was something I really wanted to do. This was the exact opposite of what the other hemo said. I guess, like 1 out of 6 said, there are a lot of conflicting opinions out there and we all need to educate ourselves and make our own decisions.

He, in addition to the first hemo, didn't seem as concerned about the hetero MTHFR. The other hemo ran my homocysteine levels, which were normal. He said he would put me on more folic acid if they were high. This hemo didn't even go that far. I'm going to take more FA anyway! I'm not good at taking direction ;)

ONE OUT OF SIX said...

Full flow has begun ... so this cycle is definitely a bust.

Lynn - good for you for seeking more information - and making decisions for yourself based on what you are learning. Interesting how two or more docs can have totally different opinions, huh? Makes you realize that the "right" approach may be somewhere in the middle! (And extra FA won't hurt - you'll pee out what you don't need. I'd take the extra amount too.)

I'm off to bed for now .. you girls hang in there and I'll do the same!

Melisha said...

My only worry at the moment is this Prometrium I am taking vaginally. I am so afraid it is all coming back out. The one I take before bed I feel good about but the one in the morning isn't going so well! Any suggestions? I get more labwork done tommorrow which will include a Progesterone level. I guess that will give me a little reassurance if it is higher than it was without the Prometrium. I admire your toughness, hang in there!

Melisha

ONE OUT OF SIX said...

Melisha - when I have to do a progesterone suppository in the morning I wake up a little earlier than usual - stick it up there - and then go back to bed for another hour or so. That way - once you get up you've absorbed the bulk of medication - and what leaks out of you later is mostly just the wax that "carried" the medication.

GL with your labwork!!!

Melisha said...

Thank you for the help, tried that today and it worked so much better! My progesterone level came back at 26.54, much high than the 13.67 of before. At least I know the medicine is helping. I got most of my labwork back today, except what they had to send out, and everything looks good so far. I will let you know what the RE thinks of my progesterone level and if anything would come back abnormal. Talk to you soon!

Melisha

Lynn said...

1 out of 6 - Sorry about this month. I am definitely taking this month off. I went to see my RE (soon to be ex-RE) yesterday. She wanted to move straight to Clomid and IUI, but I asked for an HSG. She was like "well, you got pregnant last year, so tubes shouldn't be a problem." Couldn't something have happened since then? Ummm...??? After she finally agreed, she started suggesting it was a good idea ("If I were you, I wouldn't want to start taking the Clomid, Lovenox, etc. before I confirmed"). She completely contradicted herself, as she made me have a S-HSG a month back, even though I had one in '06. Kind of felt like she was eager to get the $$ going. Thankfully, I have an HSG already scheduled for the end of the month.

So, I'm scheduling appts with well regarded RE's in my city, which has a lot of options. I'm also going to get my two hemos to send me copies of their consult notes. This way I can just bring my stuff to the RE's I see. I'm learning there is A LOT of information, and it seems best not to have to keep calling everybody for it. I want to quickly rule out who gets it and who doesn't. You have encouraged me to take control as much as possible. -Thank you so, so much! Being so empowered gives me a level of control that helps to "somewhat" balance the feeling of having no control.

ONE OUT OF SIX said...

You know - I think it's hard for some doctors to accept that patients today are coming into their offices armed with more information than they ever would have had access to in the past. And you hear about so many doctors kind of just rolling their eyes when patients want to bring up something they learned on the internet. As if the only things are the internet are complete kerfluffle! (Whatever kerfluffle is..)

But the same studies they (doctors) are reading - are, for the most part - the same studies that pop up when patients google information having to do with their condition! It's information we'd never have access to as patients without the internet - but we have access to it now. And I think it freaks some doctors out. They are used to being the authority - and not seeing the patient as a partner. And I think they also feel "I went to medical school" and earned a medical degree and who is this mouthy patient?

I do respect the degree - and never pretend to have anywhere near the amount of knowledge as a doctor. But sometimes I think - doctors need to know so much about so many different conditions. While the patient is only concerned with one condition - their own. So sometimes ... I think patients *can* become very educated about their one condition .. and sometimes .. they may learn things that their doctor - doesn't know.

My rant for the evening! (And I reserve the right to c&p it into a future blog entry.)

So - good luck Lynn!!! I hope you find a GREAT new RE - who thinks it's COOL that you've taken the time to educate yourself! :-)

casicola-luckyme said...

Reading this was like reading a page out my life novel...We did 3 cycles of clomid/gonal F/trigger and DOUBLE IUI's at 12 and 36 hours. All BFN...and ALL my numbers where perfect..just not Gods time for me. Then I said, ok break for me...Some nurses uderstood and some didnt. But I KNEW that we had to take that break..so two cycles over the holiday and now we are just doing some progestrone because our money tree died too....

Reading about IVF is also how we feel. Out of pocket and have it fail...ohhh no!

casicola-luckyme said...

and to ramble even more....About what Lynn said, my Dr told me I had a very logical form of thinking in my 4 visit...but the other day proceeded to tell me that stopping caffene or anything my acupuncturist said to do is nonesense....told me on visit one that IVF wouldnt need to be an option for me and now 5 months later he is making it one of two options....um what? contradicting.. uggg Like you said its frustrating for them for us to have so much knowledge...

sorry for rambling.

Lynn said...

Oh boy!, I can ramble like the best of them! My RE never asked me the most basic of questions about diet, frequency of BD'ing, etc. I sort of feel, at some level, she takes a very, very clinical approach to everything without looking at the big picture.

I said something like "I can feel pain on my right side, so I'm assuming I'm ovulating each month." She said "Of course you are ovulating - you are getting a period." I then barked back, "can't you get a period w/o ovulating?"

She wants me to do clomid w/IUI. Is this usually how they start you? I've read that many people have better luck with injectables. Does anybody have experience here? Should I insist on the injectables? I'm already going to be injecting with Lovenox ;) or is it best to start with Clomid if they say you are ovulating? Thanks for any advice

Kellie said...

Just wanted to wish you luck on your journey... I am a fellow FVL (homozygous) and TTC for the first time. I don't want to sling any advice around other than this: Finding a good hemo is a must! My first hemo was a hemotologist/oncologist and basically, she made me feel like I was wasting my time in there. I learned nothing from my appointment and felt that I was not taken seriously. I mentioned this to my OB/GYN and he referred me to someone else. I have a new doctor now and I cannot say enough good things about him. I had a DVT w/ PE when I was 25 due to BCP, and am on coumadin for life. Since we are TTC, I am taking 40 mg b.i.d. of Lovenox. Not fun, but necessary. I have asked about the possible "detriment" of taking a blood thinner while TTC but I have no other choice.

Rambling... just wanted to say how (this is the wrong word, but I can't think of a better one!) comforting it is to find a blog out there with someone going through similar issues. I wish you all the best!!