... and I'm starting to spot. It's not looking good friends.
I'll take one more test tonight - maybe one more in the morning (just to make sure - given that last time this happened I was pregnant - for like - a minute.) But I'll cover my bases and then I'm calling it a day. I have already grieved. I am very tired and sad. I don't understand why this is so hard for so many of us. Talk about life not being fair.
I am formulating a new plan for my next IUI (#3.) Here's what I'm thinking:
First - I'm going to take a month off. I'll still get acupuncture and we'll try on our own. But I'm not doing a medicated cycle again right away. I am actually of the mind that your body needs a break in between injectable cycles. I know I need one - mentally and physically. I am gross right now - bloated and have zits on my forehead from all the junk I've been either a) injecting or b) shoving up my hoo ha. So I need a break.
During my break - I will contact my RE's assistant (because he's impossible to get in touch with) and will relay this information to her regarding my next cycle:
Basically - I want a chance for more follies and bigger follies (I feel like one at 18mm and one at 16mm is not cutting it. I'm 36 - I'm old with old eggs! I need more targets!)
I want bloodwork OR an ultrasound morning before trigger - so we know I haven't a) already ovulated or b) lost all my follies - which is what I felt like happened this time. Morning of trigger - all my bloat - and "ovaries feel like grapefruits" side effects were suddenly ... gone. It just didn't feel right - at all. But I was seen day before .. not day of trigger (it was New Year's Day - one of the two days of the year they are not open.) That's not typical of my RE's office - the only reason I wasn't seen on trigger day was the holiday. But I'll make sure I am seen for b/w, u/s or both on day of trigger this time.
I'm also thinking I want two IUI's. Why not go for broke, right (literally.) It will be more expensive - but only by a few hundred bucks. I want a 12 hour post trigger IUI and a 36 hour post trigger IUI though ... not a 24 and a 48 (I don't think there's anything still happening with my follies after 48 hours.)
And finally, I want to see if they can slow me down at all - I respond SO fast - too fast, I think. So maybe we can try starting me off with a lower dose and INCREASING as needed rather than decreasing as needed.
This is where I am today. Hopes totally dashed for now. But formulating a "plan" makes me feel hopeful that next time might go better.
We cannot afford IVF. I'm not saying we won't go there ... I'm just saying we can't afford to. And while a failed IUI is bad enough - the thought of a failed IVF takes my breath away - for those (like me) paying out of pocket - the thought of losing all that money. Unthinkable.
But we're not there yet. IUI "worked" for me once, even though it ended badly - I have to continue hoping it will work again. Just not this time, I guess.