Sunday, January 13, 2008

10dpiui ....

The last days of the 2ww. The end is near - and while I desperately want to the know the outcome of this IUI cycle … I really only want to know if it’s POSITIVE. If not, I’d rather stay blissfully ignorant – which is of course impossible – because, well, you can’t stop time. And even if you could – doing so would prevent me from finding out if it worked, right?

I want it to have worked so badly. So badly that just writing this sentence makes my eyes well up. But I don’t know, I just don’t know. And I can’t stop obsessing about how I felt right before my trigger shot .

Basically - I felt fine. After having felt very swollen and sore ovary-wise in the days leading up to trigger shot – on day of trigger shot – I woke up feeling – fine. Which scares the shit out of me. WHY did I feel fine? Why weren’t my ovaries even more sore (I had my last stim dose the night before.) Did I ovulate early? I didn’t feel like I did .. but maybe I did. Did my two nicely maturing follies just crap out? I was on a gradually reducing dose of stims (follistim) but I didn’t coast at all – so I shouldn’t have crashed – but did I?

Or was it just because I drank a lot of water the night before – and that cleared some of the bloat? I really want to think it was as innocent as that – but I am so scared.

And at this point – some of my fear is financially driven. I found out on Friday that due to an insurance issue – any future IUI’s will be a lot more expensive … close to 1600 dollars more expensive. So we’ll be looking at paying upward of 2000 dollars rather than 400 dollars per medicated IUI cycle.

I’d love to think that was a “sign” of sorts – a “you’re done” because now it’s going to get more expensive – but that won’t affect you since you’re done and already pregnant. I said as much to the woman from the billing office who called me to break the news … and she agreed and wished me well. But who knows? People spend so much on infertility treatments – taking out loans, putting it on credit – it’s one of those instances where you regret every asinine financial decision you’ve ever made – and you realize WHY it was a bad idea to rack up all that credit card debt in your 20’s (and, OK, maybe a little more in your early 30’s…)

I’ll test Tuesday morning. If I can hold out until then. I may not make it past Monday morning. But Tuesday will be 12dpiui and I have a better chance of getting an accurate result then.

I feel like it HAS to have worked. But who knows? IUI’s fail all the time – if they didn’t – no one would ever move on to IVF unless they had blocked tubes or something like that.

Ech. I’m giving myself a headache.

A quick hello to my new visitors! I am enjoying your comments and the opportunity to talk with you and share information. Keep hanging out – I really enjoy the company!

In the meantime … good luck and good care to all. In my next post I’ll write about how I recently fired the peri/MFM who told me not to take Lovenox and who described my early losses as a ‘whiff’ of pregnancy. Next time. See you then!


Ariella said...

I am so sorry that your insurance is going up. I hope you are right and don't need it since you are now pg and this PG WILL stick due to your new protocol. I will be on my seat with anticapation till Tuesday (which is MY test day too).

Melisha said...

I hate the waiting, that is the worst part of this whole process. You are in my thoughts!


Meghan said...

Sorry about your insurance. That just sucks. But I'm sure it won't effect you!

Good luck holding out to test, I certainly never can

Hope said...

Good luck!! The waiting is always the worst, hang in there, you're rounding 3rd base!!