10dpiui ....

The last days of the 2ww. The end is near - and while I desperately want to the know the outcome of this IUI cycle … I really only want to know if it’s POSITIVE. If not, I’d rather stay blissfully ignorant – which is of course impossible – because, well, you can’t stop time. And even if you could – doing so would prevent me from finding out if it worked, right?

I want it to have worked so badly. So badly that just writing this sentence makes my eyes well up. But I don’t know, I just don’t know. And I can’t stop obsessing about how I felt right before my trigger shot .

Basically - I felt fine. After having felt very swollen and sore ovary-wise in the days leading up to trigger shot – on day of trigger shot – I woke up feeling – fine. Which scares the shit out of me. WHY did I feel fine? Why weren’t my ovaries even more sore (I had my last stim dose the night before.) Did I ovulate early? I didn’t feel like I did .. but maybe I did. Did my two nicely maturing follies just crap out? I was on a gradually reducing dose of stims (follistim) but I didn’t coast at all – so I shouldn’t have crashed – but did I?

Or was it just because I drank a lot of water the night before – and that cleared some of the bloat? I really want to think it was as innocent as that – but I am so scared.

And at this point – some of my fear is financially driven. I found out on Friday that due to an insurance issue – any future IUI’s will be a lot more expensive … close to 1600 dollars more expensive. So we’ll be looking at paying upward of 2000 dollars rather than 400 dollars per medicated IUI cycle.

I’d love to think that was a “sign” of sorts – a “you’re done” because now it’s going to get more expensive – but that won’t affect you since you’re done and already pregnant. I said as much to the woman from the billing office who called me to break the news … and she agreed and wished me well. But who knows? People spend so much on infertility treatments – taking out loans, putting it on credit – it’s one of those instances where you regret every asinine financial decision you’ve ever made – and you realize WHY it was a bad idea to rack up all that credit card debt in your 20’s (and, OK, maybe a little more in your early 30’s…)

I’ll test Tuesday morning. If I can hold out until then. I may not make it past Monday morning. But Tuesday will be 12dpiui and I have a better chance of getting an accurate result then.

I feel like it HAS to have worked. But who knows? IUI’s fail all the time – if they didn’t – no one would ever move on to IVF unless they had blocked tubes or something like that.

Ech. I’m giving myself a headache.

A quick hello to my new visitors! I am enjoying your comments and the opportunity to talk with you and share information. Keep hanging out – I really enjoy the company!

In the meantime … good luck and good care to all. In my next post I’ll write about how I recently fired the peri/MFM who told me not to take Lovenox and who described my early losses as a ‘whiff’ of pregnancy. Next time. See you then!